Kamala Harris's French Fries Are BREAKIN' THE LAW BREAKIN' THE LAW
As a regular reader of Wonkette -- that is, a bicoastal effette liberal elite -- you have no doubt seen the New York Times interactive multimedia "Meet the Candidates" feature, in which every pathetic loser dude names his wife as his hero and slobbers about how good hamberders are on the campaign trail. Perhaps, however, you did not pick up on the clandestine embeds Senator Kamala Harris (D-CHiPS) deployed while naming her comfort food of choice: french fries. Just to ring that bell in your brain a little more, she also says that cooking is what she likes to do to relax.
With all the dominos so carefully set, Commissioner Harris set her comms team loose on Twitter to plant the dubious story of her making fries herself. While these french fries do look and sound pretty damn good, Yr Wonkette could not shake the feeling that something wasn't quite right about this whole deal. It just makes us a little nervous, that's all.
Sen. Harris' methods appear to be sound -- NAY, optimal -- for making great fries. She cuts the potatoes by hand, no fancy hinged mechanism or deadly mandoline with fry-blade attachment. That shows care and craftsmanship. She rinses and soaks the raw fries ahead of cooking.
(Or is this just a smooth lie to cover her tracks when the street started to get wise?) We discussed why rinsing the cut spuds is important a long time ago in Wonkette's recipe hub heyday, a more innocent and hope-filled time.
She fries them twice. This is very important in proper french friary. First, you cook them at a lower temperature for a longer time to cook the potatoes all the way through and get them nice and smushy. Then, you drain them well and fry the fucking hell out of them for just a minute or two at a higher temperature to get that beautiful crunchy exterior, for the perfect fry: crunchy outside, smushy inside. Again, you drain well, and then season and eat those bastards.
So it seems Sen. Harris knows HOW to make some delicious fries, but does she know WHAT to use to make them? There's no mention of the variety of potato she uses, but they appear to be russet or some other starchy brown-skinned potato. This is a good choice. Duck fat for the secondary fry is a very strong choice. Duck fat is delicious, it is upscale, and it is a little bit out of the ordinary. It makes you seem interesting and hip, definitely not a cop. Yr Wonkette fully endorses the use of fowl fat when preparing potato snacks. Now, seasoning with sage and rosemary from the personal senatorial herb garden is also a great move. These herbs make an especially appetizing coupling with the duck fat. No, do not couple with the duck fat yourself, you sicko.
So there is only one element remaining, and that is what flips the lid on this undercover operation. Sen. Harris says she uses peanut oil for the primary fry. You're thinking, "Yeah, Fitz, everyone knows great fries are made with peanut oil. That's what Five Guys does, and who doesn't love their greasy poke of potatoes?" And that is true. Everyone loves those fries; they are great.
The main reason for using peanut oil, though, GUYS, is that it has a high smoke point. In the first cooking phase of the double-fry method, smoke point is not much of a concern because you're not cooking at a very high temperature. It only makes sense to use peanut oil in the first fry if you're already buying it by the jug to use in both fry sessions. If you're using lah-dee-fucking-dah duck fat in the second fry, the only reason you'd use peanut oil in the first fry is that you are a liar trying to gain the trust of everyday Americans who only know one thing and that one thing is "good fries are cooked in peanut oil."
QED, Kamala is a cop. BUSTED!
Follow Fitzy on twitter @chestyfitz, and throw a few bones in the Wonkette bail fund for when Harris brings the hammer down. Or maybe go on down to the Wonkette Bazaar and buy some Kamala merch!