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You guys are not going to believe this, but Devin Nunes, the dairy farmer who may or may not have fucked his brain right out his own head during a particularly romantic night with his favorite cow (allegedly, how would we know?), is not done obstructing justice in the Russia investigation. Yes, even though he has shut down the make-believe dog-and-pony show that was the House Intelligence Committee's "investigation" into Trump and Russia, he is not done running interference, in the hopes that he can keep the real truth about his real dad Donald Trump and his other real dad Vladimir Putin (so cute when two guys adopt an ugly baby together and name it "Devin Nunes"!) from ever coming out.

So it is that Nunes has fired off a letter to Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and FBI Director Chris Wray, DEMANDING that they provide unto him an unredacted version of the electronic communication (EC) that kicked off the Russia investigation, the one what said Trump campaign "coffee boy" George Derp-a-Potamus had gotten drunk and blabbed to an Australian diplomat that he had gotten a super sexxxy secret preview of how Russia was going to fuck Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election, and thus help Donald Trump steal America.

You see, Fucking Devin has some SUSPICIONS. And according to his letter, Fucking Devin is not concerned about the "supposed sensitivity" of the document, because the SUSPICIONS what live up inside the cavity full of dust and cow fantasies (allegedly) Fucking Devin calls his brain OUTRANK whatever good and patriotic reasons the FBI and DOJ might have for only releasing a redacted version to Fucking Devin. (Maybe they are worried Devin Nunes will immediately take it and leak it to Sean Hannity, COULD THAT BE WHAT THEY ARE WORRIED ABOUT?)

Fucking Devin, for his part, knows the REAL LEAKER is not he, himself, but the FBI LEAKERS who told the New York Times how the Trump-Russia FBI investigation really started, which really made boom boom all over Fucking Devin's attempts to lie about how the investigation got started, by blaming it on THE DOSSIER. Unfair to expose Fucking Devin's lies like that!

So yes, Fucking Devin is going to need to see an unredacted copy of this so-called "document," if "document" is even its real name.

And you know what? We have questions too!

For instance, what does FUCKING DEVIN think he's going to find in the unredacted version? Whole sections that start like "DON'T TELL INVESTIGATIVE GENIUS DEVIN NUNES THIS, but we are only starting this investigation because we are in CAHOOTS WITH HILLARY CLINTON to buy a DODGY DOSSIER full of FAKE FACTS"? Does he think there will be naked pictures of those sexting FBI agents Fox News can't stop having ass blow-outs about?

WHAT THE FUCK, DEVIN? WE KNOW YOU'RE STUPIDER THAN LOUIE GOHMERT, BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IS IN THERE, DEVIN? ARE YOU SO STUPID THAT YOU ACTUALLY DON'T BELIEVE THE TRUMP-RUSSIA INVESTIGATION REALLY STARTED BECAUSE SOMEBODY ON THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN NAMED GEORGE SMURF-A-LOTTA-PUSS WAS LITERALLY BRAGGING ABOUT INSIDE KNOWLEDGE HE HAD ABOUT HOW RUSSIA WAS GOING TO FUCK THE ELECTION IN DONALD TRUMP'S FAVOR?

Or on the other hand, FUCKING DEVIN, next question!

Do you actually know that every bit of that is true, and this is just you being an anti-American traitor again, like you've been this whole time? It's always the question about you, isn't it, FUCKING DEVIN?

"At any given time, is FUCKING DEVIN motivated by doing light treasons for Trump and Putin, or is he motivated by how he's real fuckin' stupid because the last two brain cells he had fucked themselves to death while he was balls deep in a dairy cow, ALLEGEDLY? Or is it both? ALLEGEDLY?!"

That's the question Wonkette usually has, ALLEGEDLY.

This fuckin' dumbass right here, my God.

Anyway, y'all better recognize that Devin Nunes ain't ever gonna stop with this shit. If he can't find a reasonable way to get the document he wants by stomping his feet and clapping his hands, his letter says he's going to sue in federal court! And when he loses there, Fucking Devin will take the FBI to Judge Hatchett and Judge Judy and maybe even Judge Marilyn Milian, until he finds somebody who will look at the FBI and say, "You wrong for that, FBI! You are ordered to pay 500 dollars and hand over the unredacted letter and say you are VERY SORRY to Devin Nunes, for being mean to him! Also, FBI agents are no longer allowed to make water cooler jokes about how Devin Nunes is probably what happens when mothers drop babies on their heads on purpose, because we are pretty sure they do that a lot. RULING IN FAVOR OF DEVIN! GAVEL GAVEL BANG BANG!"

Wonkette 'bout to sue Devin Nunes for wasting our time writing this post, that's what the fuck is about to happen.

Here, read Fucking Devin's full letter, if you like reading stuff that makes you stupider.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Are you a fairly regular Wonkette reader and have had a nagging little voice for some time saying “you should throw Wonkette a buck every month”? That is called your conscience. Listen to it! It feels good!

[Devin Nunes's Very Dumb Letter]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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