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Kellyanne Conway is a normal person! She gets her kids ready for school!


Rarely is the question asked, "Who IS Kellyanne Conway, that lady who has to go out and lie about Donald Trump all the time?" So CNN asked it, in a new profile on the lady tasked with the 100% impossible job of making Trump's candidacy look less vomit-inducing to average Americans. On TV shilling for Trump things haven't gone well for her. She doesn't seem to know how campaigns work, or how the Constitution works; she accidentally sorta kinda admitted on "The View" that her bossman Trump is a criminal; she says Trump should do more debates, because Trump is SO AWESOME at debates; oh, and on Monday, she was forced to sit silently after trying to bring up the latest Hillary Clinton "scandal," while mean MSNBC guy Steve Kornacki calmly gave all the facts that showed the "scandal" was not a "scandal."

The point is that being Kellyanne Conway sucks. BUT WHO IS SHE REALLY? Let's learn about her daily life struggles, according to the Clinton News Network.

(Note: A few things from our transcript are different from what it says in the CNN article, because Wonkette is better at transcribing video than CNN, apparently.)

... [I]t is [Trump's] Twitter feed that has gotten him in the most trouble.

"People will seriously say, 'Can't you delete his Twitter account?'" said Conway.

"I'm not going to take away -- it's not for me to take away a grown man's Twitter account," she added.

Uh, maybe if all Trump's campaign staffers weren't little sycophants running around calling their boss "Mr. Trump," Conway could get some campaign workers to tackle Trump and hold him down while Conway throws his Obamaphone out the top floor of Trump Tower, and they could get rid of his Twitter. But they can't, because they are all too wussy.

We also learn from the profile that Conway TRIES to get Trump to shut the fuck up about how the election is #rigged, because that makes it sound like he knows he's going to lose, and Donald Trump is not going to lose, is he, Kellyanne Conway?

... [S]he told us what happened when they got on the plane after his Gettysburg speech.

"I don't sugarcoat at all," said Conway.

She told him after his off script rant, "You and I are gonna fight for the next 17 days."

When Trump asked why, Conway replied: "Because I know you're going to win. And that comment you just made sounds like you think you're going to lose. And we're going to argue about it until you win."

His response?

"He was like, 'OK, honey. Then we'll win,' " Conway said.

Ew, he calls her "honey." We should note, of course, that Trump was on the campaign trail Monday whining about how the media is rigged against him, so we guess Conway's straight talk doesn't get THAT far with him. In fact, as the Washington Post points out, half the time it seems like Conway is out there "defending a candidate who doesn't exist." Like we said, she has a literally impossible job.

But the CNN profile does give us a sense of something we long suspected -- that outside the Trump campaign, Kellyanne Conway is a regular human being, albeit one with a lawyer husband who defended Bill Clinton accuser Paula Jones back in the day. She has kids! They play piano and go to birthday parties! They rap songs from the musical Hamilton in her general direction!

In the Republican political world, Conway knows there are different standards for women in the workplace:

She recalled a potential client -- a man -- asking how she'd balance kids and work.

"It's like, 'I just hope you ask all the male consultants. Are you going to give up your WICKED golf game and your mistresses?' Because they seem really, really busy too,'" recalled Conway.

Ooh! Ooh! Was that potential client Donald Trump? Maybe it was Ted Cruz, since as we all know Conway used to work for a Cruz super PAC before she jumped aboard the Trump train. By the way, for funsies, you should all go read this Media Matters compilation of all the shit Kellyanne Conway used to talk about Donald Trump, back before she was collecting a paycheck from him.

Anyway, we can hardly wait for Trump to lose for president, so Conway can take a well-deserved vacation, and then get back to the hard work of being a dickhead Republican operative, albeit one who leaks really good gossip about what hell it really is to work for Donald Trump, and have to say you believe him when he says he never groped NONE of those women. One more quote from the CNN profile:

"I believe -- Donald Trump has told me and his family, and the rest of America now, that none of this is true. These are lies and fabrications. They're all made up. And I think that it's not for me to judge what those women believe. I've not talked to them, I've talked to him," she said.

Oof! She believes Mr. Trump, but she hasn't talked to those women, and also can Kellyanne Conway please be anywhere but here right now? She really does have the worst job in America right now, which is why Wonkette sorta really honestly does have sympathy for her.

Stay strong, Kellyanne, and please do write a tell-all book after this is all over, OK?

[CNN]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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