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The news has been so batshit this week that we almost forgot to tell you there's a new tell-all book from a pissed off former Trump staffer! This dude's name is Cliff Sims and he was a communications aide -- you know, when the comms department wasn't quite as much of a wasteland as it is now, not that it wasn't a wasteland then -- and from what we can tell, his book is deliciously mean, and he names names. Lots of them. The book is called Team of Vipers: My 500 Extraordinary Days in the Trump White House, and y'all, we actually think we're going to buy and read this one, unlike that yappy pamphlet from Michael Wolff. (Not that the yappy pamphlet was all bad, mind you.)

There are a few articles floating around with details about the new book. The Washington Post has one, where Trump screams at Paul Ryan on the phone and calls him a fuckin' loser who is very disloyal, and Sean Spicer cusses on the first day of the Trump presidency because Trump was so mad everybody was saying his inauguration crowd was so small he could hold it in the palm of his tiny hands. Sims and Trump's former bodyguard Keith Schiller helped Trump make an enemies list, but because it's President Speak & Spell, this enemies list was made in big thick Sharpie marker. Sims reveals that Trump uses Tresemmé Tres Two hair spray, to make his shitty animal hair ... still look like like shitty animal hair.

As the Post notes, Sims doesn't say he's against the president or anything, in fact quite the opposite. But it's clear he has scores to settle, which brings us to the full book excerpt published in Vanity Fair, which is about Kellyanne Conway.

We are not sure how to say this, but we don't think Cliff Sims likes her very much. We also think it's possible Kellyanne Conway is a godawful hell person, a possibility we've only considered every single time we've ever listened to her lying mouth.


So, to set up this thing we are going to quote at you, we need to take you on a sentimental journey back to 2017, when "Morning Joe" banned Kellyanne Conway for being such a lying shithole. Joe and Mika had had it. They were so mad at Kellyanne Conway they might have to go to a broom closet at 30 Rock and "secretly" have sex with each other OUT OF ANGER, because this was back when they were "secretly" doing it like nobody knew. Conway would come on TV and lie, and then within hours they'd find out she was lying. They already knew, from interviewing Conway during the campaign, that she would come on TV, spew lies, take her mic off and say, "BLECH! I need to take a shower," because even Kellyanne Conway feels twinges of guilt in her soul that come along with the job of being Kellyanne Conway.

And so it is that Cliff Sims tells the story of Conway, a woman who is above all in it for herself, whom he refers to as a "cartoon villain" who is "peren­nially cloaked in an invisible fur coat, casting an all-­knowing smile, as if she'd collected 98 Dalmatians with only 3 more to go." Several months after the "Morning Joe" banning, on the day Joe and Mika told the story about Kellyanne Conway saying, "BLECH! I need to take a shower," it fell to Sims to help Conway craft a mean statement refuting what Joe and Mika had said about her.

I had not brought my work laptop upstairs with me when she called, so Kellyanne pointed over to her personal MacBook sitting on the conference table on the other side of the room. "Just use that and type something up for me," she said.

I sat down and started slowly pecking out a statement. While working in the White House, I found that I'd grown so accustomed to writing in Trump's voice that writing for other people had become somewhat harder than it normally would have been. I was already getting off to a slow start, but I was also getting distracted by the nonstop stream of iMessages popping up on the screen. At that point, personal phones had not yet been banned in the West Wing, so Kellyanne was sitting at her desk texting away. And since her iMes­sage account was tied to both her phone and her laptop, which she must not have even considered, I could inadvertently see every conversation she was having.

Over the course of 20 minutes or so, she was having simultaneous conversations with no fewer than a half­-dozen reporters, most of them from outlets the White House frequently trashed for publishing "fake news." Journalists from The New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN, Politico, and Bloomberg were all popping up on the screen. And these weren't policy conversations, or attempts to fend off attacks on the president. As I sat there trying to type, she bashed Jared Kushner, Reince Priebus, Steve Bannon, and Sean Spicer, all by name. [...]

She also recounted private conversations she'd had with the president, during which, at least in her telling, she'd convinced him to see things her way, which she said was a challenge when you're deal­ing with someone so unpredictable and unrestrained. She wasn't totally trashing the president, at least as the Morning Joe crew described it, but she definitely wasn't painting him in the most favorable light. She was talking about him like a child she had to set straight. I was sitting there, watching this, totally bewildered. I was supposed to be writing a statement, defending her against accusations that she had done almost exactly what I was watch­ing her do that very moment. [...]

From what I saw on her computer, she was having her say all day long. Kellyanne was playing a double game—putting a foot in both worlds—telling Trump and his supporters on Fox one thing, while bad-­mouthing them to the "main­stream" media in private.

Let's see how many names Cliff Sims just called Kellyanne Conway in those short paragraphs. 1. Aggravated texter. 2. Leaker. 3. "Fake News"-lover. 4. Two-faced asshole. 5. Secret Trump-hater, just like Joe and Mika said. 6. TELLER OF SECRETS!

Oh yeah, and also OPERATOR. We hate to say it, but along with our hatred of the woman, there is the faintest bit of grudging respect. Haha just kidding, she's an asshole.

But she fully intends to be around long after the Trump administration is nothing more than a punchline in a footnote of the book of American history. Bet on it.

Don't you totally want to read this book now? We totally want to read this book now!

[Vanity Fair]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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