Kellyanne Conway So Sad That Robert Mueller Is 'Feeble,' Confused, Probably Dead

Robert Mueller testified before Congress yesterday and was frustratingly neither a meme nor literally the Terminator. This has led many Republicans to question the former special counsel's mental acuity and overall health. These are the same partisan hacks who believe Donald Trump is of sound racist mind and stuffed-crust body.

The president's pet liar, Kellyanne Conway, turned up on Hugh Hewitt's radio show this morning, and they both expressed their dismay that Democrats had dug up Mueller's corpse and paraded him around the House of Representatives like a Weekend at Bernie's remake.

HEWITT: My wonderfully soft-hearted wife could not watch yesterday because it was so uncomfortable to watch an obviously distressed Robert Mueller fumbling for answers, confused -- some used the term "feeble" -- and leaving the impression that he'd not been in charge of this investigation... It left an impression that a terrible abuse of power has been going on.

Hewitt is correct: Mueller's testimony did leave an impression that a "terrible abuse of power" has taken place, but it's the current White House squatter who's the perpetrator. Conway seized on Hewitt's comment to feed his listeners some baseless conspiracy theories.

CONWAY: Yes, I feel like Bob Mueller may well have been used by the people around him to imbue this fake and ill-conceived investigation with credibility and legitimacy that it wouldn't have otherwise.

You might want to fetch an airsick bag while we explain where they're going with this. Republicans have shamelessly attacked Mueller during his investigation, but the former FBI director's professional and personal reputation is -- putting it mildly -- slightly better than Trump's. It was also hard to paint Mueller as a common Ken Starr obsessed with taking down the president -- not that they didn't try. Now Republicans can pretend without evidence (Trump's favorite kind of evidence) that shadowy, unnamed-because-they-don't-exist Democrats have pulled the old guy's strings and manipulated him into advancing their diabolical leftist coup.

CONWAY: I'm with your wife in this way: I am first and foremost who I will always be, which is a daughter, a mother...

But are you also bigger than a bread box? Let's just skip the parlor games and get back to your sleazy character assassination.

CONWAY: And, of course, I feel great empathy and compassion for folks who, as some of these headlines suggest, may be feeble or not understanding some of the questions — asking them to be repeated, clearly not conversant with the facts and with his own report.

The "headlines" that suggest Mueller is a doddering shell of his former self are either from conservative rags or are reporting on Conway's grossness. This is how these hucksters create a self-fulfilling narrative. It's a race to see whether Mueller or Joe Biden die first from their advanced onset Hillary Death Syndrome.


Meanwhile, members of Trump's own staff boast about doing everything they can to keep him from making too many boneheaded decisions. They practically have to hide the nuclear codes and all the White House remotes from him.

You could almost hear Conway's enthusiasm rise as she spun a web of impressive lies to keep the pig she works for alive: If Mueller was being used as a "shield and a sword," maybe people should start "investigating the investigators"! She also hit the 2020 GOP talking point that Democrats have wasted their time and taxpayer money pursuing Putin's white whale.

CONWAY: I think the 31 Democrats in Congress who represent districts Trump/Pence won in 2016 are probably most upset today because they have nothing to show for it. They can't go home and say, "I've been part of the humming economy. I voted to help fix the border. We're working really hard on infrastructure...." They can't say that with a straight face.

Lying with a straight albeit meth-ravaged face is Conway's speciality, but vulnerable Democrats don't need to lie. The House has passed a crap-ton of bills. And Mitch McConnell is literally on tape laughing about how he makes sure everything Democrats pass die quick deaths in the Senate.

Republicans right now probably want Democrats obsessing over impeachment rather than kids in cages. They believe they can dazzle voters with lies, thanks to useful idiots in the media, and win in 2020. Let's prove them wrong.


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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