Kim Davis's Lawyers Say She Had A Secret Stitch 'N' Bitch With Pope Francis
OH GODDAMMIT, IF TRUE. Good, decent people in America are trying really hard to think the best of this new commie pope, who seems to be trying to take the focus off hot button wingnut issues to return the Church's focus to real problems like caring for the poor, the sick, and the downtrodden. And he has done and said some good things! Kim Davis is not poor. She is not sick. And despite what the bigot demons in her head tell her, she is CERTAINLY not downtrodden.
So this breathless press release from Davis's charalatan lawyers at the Liberty Counsel is discouraging, if they didn't make it up out of whole papal cloth:
The Pope met privately with Kim Davis and her husband, Joe, at the Vatican Embassy in Washington, D.C., on Thursday, September 24, which was the birthday of Kim’s father. Pope Francis spoke with Kim and Joe Davis in English.
During the meeting Pope Francis said, "Thank you for your courage." Pope Francis also told Kim Davis, "Stay strong. He held out his hands and asked Kim to pray for him. Kim held his hands and said, "I will. Please pray for me," and the Pope said he would. The two embraced. The Pontiff presented Kim and Joe Davis each with a Rosary that he personally blessed. Kim's mother and father are Catholic, and Kim and Joe will present the Rosaries to her parents. Kim's mother was the elected Clerk of Court for Rowan County for 37 years until her retirement in 2014.
Kim Davis said, "I was humbled to meet Pope Francis. Of all people, why me?" Davis continued, "I never thought I would meet the Pope. Who am I to have this rare opportunity? I am just a County Clerk who loves Jesus and desires with all my heart to serve him." Kim said, "Pope Francis was kind, genuinely caring, and very personable. He even asked me to pray for him. Pope Francis thanked me for my courage and told me to 'stay strong.'"
The unofficial Vatican news source Inside The Vatican claims it was supposed to be some big super secret, because the pope wanted their meeting to be about Jesus, and not American politics. Reporter Robert Moynihan writes that this sort of meeting might "spark controversy," but adds that "Vatican sources have confirmed to me that this meeting did occur; the occurrence of this meeting is not in doubt."
"Vatican sources," however, are unable or unwilling to confirm the meeting to the New York Times, as of Wednesday, immediately followed by Vatican sources deciding they are able and willing to to confirm a meeting took place. The Times updated its original story to add that "Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, confirmed the meeting, but he declined to elaborate."
And yeah, probably a good idea to keep it a secret, since most Americans would probably say, "What the fuck, why is Pope Nice-Nice meeting with that law-breaking slag?" The American public, of course, is not on Kim's side, on account of how most of the American public likes to abide by the law.
Davis's lawyer Mat Staver also claims they all agreed to keep the meeting super secret until after the pope went home because "we didn’t want the pope’s visit to be focused on Kim Davis." Presumably, no reporters noticed Kim and her second/fourth husband
Tater Tots Joe lurking around the Vatican Embassy between 2:30 and 3:00 PM Thursday, when the meeting supposedly occurred, because she did her hair in a secret way which renders her invisble, we guess. Maybe Joe Davis put a barrette in his hair too.
In an interview with CBS, you'll notice that Staver doesn't seem to be real big into sharing details of how this "meeting" came to be:
Of course, we rolled our eyes the other day when we reported that, on his way back to the Vatican in the fancy pope plane, Francis showed reporters how bad he is at the United States Constitution by saying "conscientious objection is a right" for everyone, including government officials like you know who, which is not how the First Amendment works. We'd hoped he was pulling another bait-and-switch and maybe meant Christians shouldn't have to murder people at the state's request.
There was the possibility that Liberty Counsel was lying because remember how Liberty Counsel was caught just Monday spreading around a complete lie about how 100,000 Peruvians had a big love rally for Kim Davis, in Peru, because obviously that's what Peruvians do? The story came with an accompanying picture, which was definitively proven NOT to be a picture of a Peruvian Kim Davis party, and Liberty Counsel has owned up to that part of the lie. They'll get around to saying sorry and admitting that exactly zero Peruvians rallied for Kim any day now, you betcha.
And of course, HA HA, Liberty Counsel has been lying to its client Kim Davis the entire time, saying things like "You have a case!" and "You can win this maybe!" and "We are not shitty lawyers who are using you, an ignorant Kentucky adulteress, to further our fake religious freedom campaign!"
So here, as yr Wonkette sees them, are the possibilities:
- Pope Francis and Kim Davis had a for real, secret meeting, and it was just great. She gave him her secret family recipe for squirrel nuggets, and he responded by making out with her RELIGIOUS LIBERTY. Could have happened, we guess.
- Kim Davis was in town. The pope was in town. They ran in to each other at Wet Seal in the mall outside of Washington, D.C., and both agreed that it was not the kind of stuff they like to wear.
- There was a legit reception at the Vatican Embassy and somehow Kim Davis got to go. Maybe somebody she met at one of the swinger key parties at the Values Voter Summit had tickets and invited her. When she got there, Kim Davis shouted "HEY POPE I'M KIM!" and Francis said, "Bless you or whatever popes are supposed to say," and Liberty Counsel is treating this like a full-on love fest, because they are liars.
- Liberty Counsel is just COLD LYING, because hey, why not? In the world inhabited by fundamentalist Christians, there are no real facts. Is evolution a thing? Science says yes, wingnuts say "TEACH THE CONTROVERSY!" Are those Planned Parenthood videos remotely real? Reality says "Fuck no!" Wingnuts say "BABY PARTS IS THE WORSTEST AND IT'S HAPPENING, I SEEN IT WITH CARLY FIORINA'S EYES!" And so on. [According to the Times's update, however, that's probably not what happened.]
- Maybe 100,000 Peruvians said the pope and Kim Davis appeared to them in a sex dream, and Liberty Counsel is taking that as a prophetic word.
UGH. If this thing turns out to be true, and it apparently is, BAD FUCKING POPE, BAD! Of course, we had plenty of reason to think it could be a total lie, because Liberty Counsel is almost as big a liar as Carly Fiorina. Almost.
[This post has been updated to reflect that after saying, "Nope, not gonna tell you nothing," the Vatican had a change of heart and confessed that yes, Pope Frank did meet with Kim and Joe. Whether he immediately washed his hands afterward, choked on his own vomit, and said, "Christ, what assholes," remains mere internet speculation.]