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Sounds Like Fox News Fired Kimberly Guilfoyle For Being A Real Dick-Show, We Mean Shit-Show

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pic via Dipshit Junior's Instagram

We've been waiting for the real truth about Kimberly Guilfoyle's exit from Fox News to start leaking out, and now, it is time for DRIP DRIP MONSOON! Turns out the cover story about how Guilfoyle was leaving because she wanted to, and the other cover story about how actually it wasn't her choice, but there were some sort of ethics problems that led to her departure, were not quite what happened. Fox News firing somebody over ethics? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA RIP WONKETTE, WE ALL JUST DIED OF LAUGHS.

It couldn't have been because she's sexing Donald Trump Jr. for nefarious purposes and somehow Fox saw a conflict of interest in one of its anchors bone-zoning the president's son to try to get a White House job. Hell, Hannity and Trump are basically gay married at this point, they are so tight. Surely Kimberly Guilfoyle did not see moving to some pissant Trump PAC as a lateral career move, much less a step up the ladder. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

Well now we know more details about Guilfoyle's quit-firing, and it is because of Donald Trump Jr.'s dick, allegedly, unless it's about somebody else's dick, allegedly, but we're just going to assume it's about Donald Trump Jr.'s dick, allegedly, which is A FIRE-ABLE OFFENSE IN ALL AMERICAN COMPANIES, NOT ALLEGEDLY.


Tell us, Huffington Post!

Guilfoyle was informed her time at Fox News was up following a human resources investigation into allegations of inappropriate behavior including sexual misconduct ...

Oh God, Fox News, really? Was there a falafel thing involved again? Goddammit, and we were about to have lunch too.

Just kidding, she is not Bill O'Reilly.

Six sources said Guilfoyle's behavior included showing personal photographs of male genitalia to colleagues (and identifying whose genitals they were), regularly discussing sexual matters at work and engaging in emotionally abusive behavior toward hair and makeup artists and support staff.

WHOSE DICK IS SHE SHOWING EVERYBODY?

Because if it is Donald Trump Jr.'s dick, that is a violent attack on all Fox News employees and they should hire Michael Avenatti to sue for pain and suffering.

And if Donald Trump Jr.'s dick is wearing a monocle and holding a cane in the pictures because his dick went as the Planters peanut man for Halloween this year, then that probably rises to the level of a class action lawsuit.

If she was showing old Polaroids of her ex-husband Gavin Newsom's dick, then Fox News may have acted li'l bit harshly, because he is dreamy.

It's also possible Guilfoyle was doing dick slideshows of people whose names we don't even know, because it sounds like she committed her alleged dickshow crimes before she even started banging Junior on the regular:

Some media reports have speculated that Guilfoyle's relationship with Trump Jr. and her desire to actively campaign with him caused her to leave the network, but Guilfoyle had been told her time at the network was up before it was revealed that she was dating Trump Jr.

Also, what kind of idiot abuses the hair and make-up people? Like, obviously Kimberly Guilfoyle is a shithole human being, because look at her dating choices and presidential choices, but fucking with the hair and make-up people, who are not remotely impressed with your semi-famous ass, is never smart. They know all, they see all, and THEY DO NOT WANT TO SEE DONALD TRUMP JR.'S MARGINALLY TUMESCENT SEX PEANUT, ALLEGEDLY.

HuffPost reports that one of the major bones (haha "bones") Fox News staff has had to pick with Guilfoyle stem from how when all those many Fox news women were coming forward with stories of sexual harassment by Roger Ailes and Bill O'Reilly, she was unfailingly "Team Roger," which turned a lot of people against her. So that sounds like a real thing, and yet more evidence that Guilfoyle is a shit human being. Indeed, it sounds like there's nary a damn soul in that building who would piss on her if she was on fire.

HuffPost further reports that Guilfoyle's lawyers have been all yell-y about news articles that say her depature from the network was anything less than mutually agreed upon and friendly, so Wonkette needs to make sure you know right now that everything in this blog post is ALLEGEDLY and SOURCES SAY and probably also STUDIES SHOW and 9 OUT OF 10 DENTISTS AGREE that exposure to Donald Trump Jr.'s dick is hazardous to your health, but we can't say for certain, so DON'T @ US, BROS.

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[Huffington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

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