Donald Trump Jr. is already eying his next big move once the Trump crime family is forcibly removed from the White House. He wants to run the Republican National Committee, when he's not qualified to run an Orange Julius stand.

CNN reports that Trump Jr. and his girlfriend for at least the next three months, Kimberly Guilfoyle, are "making moves to expand their influence" at the RNC. Junior was court-ordered to social distance from any charity in the state of New York, but sure, put him in charge of the RNC. (No, really, we mean it. That'd be hilarious.)

President Donald Trump's eldest son and his girlfriend, a Trump campaign fundraiser and former Fox News host, have made it clear to campaign and White House officials they are unhappy with RNC chairwoman Ronna [Romney] McDaniel, who they view as not having done enough to win a close race.

Ronna ROMNEY McDaniel made every bad-faith effort to pretend Donald Trump wasn't Donald Trump. Although Trump is credited with inspiring record turnout from his death cult members, down-ballot Republicans across the country actually outperformed President Lame Duck (unless they were Martha McSally, who just sucks). Trump is an albatross not an asset.


Sources claim that Trump Jr. and Guilfoyle "could seek leadership roles at the RNC to position the committee for a comeback run for [Trump] in 2024," when he'll be 78 and in prison.

Trump Jr. dismissed CNN's reporting as fake news, but his father's Donald Trump so he probably has epic abandonment issues. Controlling the RNC would ensure that the party doesn't move on or forget to pick up Trump Jr. from soccer practice.

The great thing about this story is that it provides an excuse to talk about another story. You'll recall Guilfoyle's unhinged rant at the Republican National Convention where she attacked the decadence and corruption of the Weimar Republic. Turns out that was Guilfoyle on her best behavior. Junior sure can pick them when scrolling through the “Kinda Looks Like My Step-Mom" dating app.

Politico reported Sunday about "Donald Trump's 2020 undoing," and Guilfoyle was the breakout character in this disaster movie.

Senior campaign and GOP officials vented that Trump's finance team, led by former Fox TV host and Donald Trump Jr. girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle, underperformed and was an HR nightmare.

Wait, hold up, the candidate's son's girlfriend wasn't up to the task at hand? Go on.

Trump couldn't compete with Biden's small-dollar fundraising machine, and some donors were horrified by what they described as Guilfoyle's lack of professionalism: She frequently joked about her sex life and, at one fundraiser, offered a lap dance to the donor who gave the most money.

Guilfoyle's sex life does involve Donald Trump Jr. so there's a lot to joke about, but still, that sort of talk isn't appropriate for the workplace unless your job is researching the connection between heavy cocaine use and erectile dysfunction.

I've attended my fair share of fundraisers, but no one ever offered motivational lap dances. That's theatre for you, so much more staid and traditional than modern politics. This might explain why the Trump campaign went broke. Donors kept lowballing each other so they could avoid Guilfoyle's promised lap dance. There's just not enough champagne in the champagne room to make that appealing.

Senior campaign officials, meanwhile, had been getting reports that Guilfoyle had been berating her staff. Appearing together at fundraisers, Guilfoyle and her boyfriend, Donald Trump Jr., would banter in sexually suggestive ways that made some donors uncomfortable.

Giphy

Trump Jr. and Guilfoyle reportedly joked at an event in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, that Guilfoyle raised money while in hot tubs. An attendee claimed that instead of a lap dance this time, Guilfoyle offered a “hot tub party" to whoever in the audience raised the most money. It's as if they're all scuzzy D-list celebrity types and not actually defenders of traditional American values.

Campaign spokesman Tim Murtaugh insists that Guilfoyle "is an excellent fundraiser and was a highly valued asset" to Trump's campaign, which failed.

MURTAUGH: There was nothing offensive about her presentations in context.

Sure, dude, whatever. I wonder if Justice Amy Coney Barrett would bring the fam to one of these fundraisers.

In conclusion, Wonkette officially endorses Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle for head of everything important at the RNC. Let Ronna McDaniel reclaim the name Romney.

[CNN / Politico]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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