​KING TRUMP HEREBY ORDERS Hahahahahahahahahahaha Shut Up

And when they had platted a crown of thorns, they put it upon his head, and a reed in his right hand: and they bowed the knee before him, and mocked him, saying, Hail, King of the Jews! (Matthew 27:29-30 KJV)

President Chosen One is having a day. You probably don't want to look at your 401K right now, because China just announced $75 billion in retaliatory tariffs meant to hit Trump right where it hurts (on his ego, and also on his base), which started the markets off fucked this morning. This made Orange Shithole Jesus very angry, and when Orange Shithole Jesus is very angry, he summons all the powers in his tiny little hamster paws, and starts screaming at the world on Twitter. Of course, in so doing, he said something that made all of America and the rest of the Twitter-connected world keel over laughing at him, and not with him:

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha LOLOLOLOLOLOL go fuck yourself.

King Trump HEREBY ORDERS American companies to stop doing business with China -- not that the Trump companies are going to stop manufacturing there or anything! -- as if he has the authority to HEREBY ORDER them to do jackshit. He also HEREBY ORDERS all the shipping companies to look through their boxes to see if China has mailed any drugs recently. He HEREBY ORDERS! Because apparently he thinks he controls industry now. Yup.


With equal force of law, Wonkette would also like to HEREBY ORDER one million-eleventy ameros to be deposited in our bank account by end of day, and also HEREBY ORDER Justin Trudeau to acknowledge that he is our new husband. It is only right and proper.

Of course, he is also mad at the Fed, because this is their fault, and not the fault of his dumbfuck trade war:

So anyway, now there are one gabillion #IHerebyOrder tweets on the internet, and all of them are making fun of He Who Shall Not Be Mocked. Also, the stock market took an even bigger dip when Shitmouth started tweeting, so that's awesome.

Trump is probably "hereby ordering" things for a couple reasons. First of all, we think he really does believe that Article II gives him the authority to do "whatever I want," because he is a fucking idiot who doesn't know anything about the Constitution. At the same time, there is likely a deep, sick, diseased place deep within Donald Trump's soul -- OBJECTION! Assumes facts not in evidence, namely that Trump possesses a soul -- that knows that he is the laughingstock of the world, whose "hereby orders" are largely ignored even by White House staff and the Pentagon. So all of the parts of Trump that exist to silence that dark place in his soul are literally screaming right now, "I HEREBY ORDER! I HEREBY ORDER!", desperately hoping, praying, wailing into the ether for someone who's actually important, someone whose respect he craves, to bow down to him.

And yet no one who matters ever bows. And they never will.

Daniel Dale, the CNN reporter who is basically the real-time historian of the Trump presidency at this point, notes that Trump drops "herebys" for the same reason he tells made-up "sir" stories:

In related news, Trump is headed to the G7 this weekend, by which we mean he's going to a meeting with a bunch of world leaders who think he's a cringeworthy piece of shit. Therefore, Wonkette HEREBY ORDERS Trump to spend his entire weekend having a bunch more Twitter tantrums, since that's an order that will actually come true.

LATE BREAKING UPDATE: Trump has an explanation for why the stock market is hemorrhaging right now:

That's it. This week is over. No more news.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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