Kucinich Smells Roses, Listens to Aliens

Abortions for some ... miniature American flags for others

Has Dennis Kucinich always seemed a little "off" to you? Does his eternal glassy-eyed optimism strike you as ... inhuman? Do you wonder how he could have scored a hot young red-headed wife without powers beyond those of ordinary men? Well, your suspicions have now been confirmed: A new book reveals that ever since an encounter with an alien spacecraft, Kucinich takes his orders from slimy, tentacled creatures from beyond the moon!

Kucinich is a longtime friend of Shirley MacLaine, who long ago made the transition from the adorable star of the Apartment to a new agey loon/running joke. MacLaine describes the moment when the elfin Congressman was enslaved by his sinister puppetmasters in her new book, Sage-Ing While Age-Ing (wait, what the fuck? Sage-Ing While Age-Ing?), thusly:

[Kucinich] had a close sighting over my home in Graham, Washington, when I lived there ... Dennis found his encounter extremely moving. The smell of roses drew him out to my balcony where, when he looked up, he saw a gigantic triangular craft, silent, and observing him ... It hovered, soundless, for 10 minutes or so, and sped away with a speed he couldn't comprehend. He said he felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind.

Directions in his mind, people! The questions we need answered: Who are there scaly green reptilian extraterrestrials? Why do they want single-payer health care for us? Can they hook all of us up with young, attractive red-haired members of our preferred gender?

Shirley MacLaine claims Kucinich had UFO encounter [Plain Dealer]


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