Your 2022 Legislative Shitmuffin, By Default, Is Kyrsten Sinema (Hooray)
Look, let's be clear here. This particular Wonkette you're reading really doesn't like shooting inside the tent, especially during election years.
And there are hundreds of legislators who are qualitatively and quantitatively worse than Arizona Not-O-Cratic Senator Kyrsten Sinema.
There is the entire Republican caucus for instance, in both houses, with the exceptions of Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, who won't be in Congress in about five minutes anyway, but are clearly better human beings than Sinema.
There are all the sedition-loving, treason-loving Republicans who still to this day go along with Donald Trump's lies that he won the election. There are the garbage Republicans who plan to take the gavel and immediately commence investigations into why God gave Hunter Biden a bigger penis than any of them have, and why they weren't able to see his laptop sooner. (Sorry about the redundant sentence there. Wait for it. Wait for it. Now you're there.)
There is Ron Johnson and Ted Cruz and Marjorie Taylor Greene and Josh Hawley and Lauren Boebert and Matt Gaetz and Jim Jordan and John Kennedy and Rand Paul and Susan Collins and Mitch McConnell and all the rest of the Freedom Caucus and Marsha Blackburn and and and AND AND AND. (Did we forget to type your least favorite Republican congressman/senator here? Type it, in the comments!)
So why are we picking a Democrat for legislative shitmuffin? Well, we're not, and that's the point.
Also how could we possibly pick amongst all those other Republicans? We couldn't. It's a big huge tie.
But back to Sinema.
You know that famous quote that's either from the Bible or a fortune cookie about to whom much is given, much is expected? We don't actually expect anything from the seditious trash we listed above. Kyrsten Sinema presumably knows better, and is therefore a good "How Not To Be" exemplification of that Bible verse/fortune cookie. (It is a Bible verse.)
Sinema dramatically left the Democratic Party last month, a decision that had reportedly been brewing for months. Before that, she was a Democrat who provided important votes sometimes, especially in a 50/50 Senate. But just as often she just couldn't find her way to supporting actual HUGELY FUCKING IMPORTANT Democratic priorities if it meant upending Senate rules she apparently holds as dear as she holds her collection of funky wigs.
And she was a such a fucking dick about it. (Cue minimum wage vote curtsy dot gif!) Her uncaring dickishness is clearly a big part of why everybody hates her. (BTW, have you seen polling on a three-way race in Arizona between an independent Sinema, a batshit Kari Lake, and dashing sexy bear cub Ruben Gallego?)
Sinema has spent more time sucking up to Mitch McConnell than she did serving her constituents or helping further the Democratic president's agenda.
Voting rights?Abortion? Oh noooooooo the filibuster oh nooooooooo it is her favorite the filibuster oh nooooooooooo the founding fathers didn't write the filibuster in the Bible if they didn't mean for us to preserve it oh noooooooooooo!
Whatever, we all know about that. She's been doing it for years.
But then she left the party. She'll still caucus with the party, she says, because she's not a moron and she'd much prefer caucusing with the people inpower, please and thank you. We hope she sticks with it, for what are (hopefully) the final two years in her Senate career.
After that, she can get a Fox News talk show with Tulsi Gabbard and they can call it "Slicin' It Down The Middle!"
"Hi, I'm Kyrsten Sinema!"
"And I'm Tulsi Gabbard! And today we're SLICIN' IT DOWN THE MIDDLE on all the issues you care the most about!"
"Like cool wigs!"
"And which dictators we should invite to our birthday party!"
"And these vintage high heels from my Etsy shop!"
We could've given it to Joe Manchin, except with Manchin we understand why he does what he does, and it is that he is a pretty pretty princess who lives on a houseboat in the middle of the Potomac and he needs attention and love and kisses all the time. Also he is a conservative Democrat representing a batshit red state, so when it comes to things like confirming judges, his ass in a seat is more important than anything else really. He's kind of a shrewd politician, as loath as we are to admit it.
Also he was last year's shitmuffin, goddammit, Wonkette could you please attack a Republican for once? Fuck. Did we get hacked by Glenn Greenwald and Matt Taibbi playing footsie in Elon Musk's hot tub? Fuck is wrong with us? Fuck.
We apologize profusely, but Kyrsten Sinema is still a dick, we love you Ruben Gallego, the end.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!
And once that doesn't exist, I'm also giving things a go at the Mastodon (@firstname.lastname@example.org) and at Post!
Have you heard that Wonkette DOES NOT EXIST without your donations? Please hear it now, and if you have ever enjoyed a Wonkette article, throw us some bucks, or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.