A little over a year ago, there were protesters in the street in front of the White House and in Lafayette Square, and they were protesting peacefully. But all of a sudden, the men in uniform just started going apeshit on the peaceful protesters, gassing them, gassing A PRIEST, so that Donald Trump could waddle across the street and hold a Bible in the air, we guess to prove his flesh doesn't catch on fire when he touches a Bible. It was the most absurd display of small-dicked wannabe fascism imaginable.

To anyone watching, it appeared these two things were related. The uniforms going stasi on everybody's ass, and then almost immediately, Trump setting out on his waddling Bible photo-op. Shortly after, it was reported that then-Attorney General Bill Barr had personally ordered the park and surrounding spaces cleared for the occasion.

But according to a new report from the Trump-appointed Interior Department inspector general, these two things weren't related at all, and there's nothing to see here! Who you gonna believe? This Trump-appointed IG or your own eyes and brain and common sense and your memories of what you saw on the TV?


The report says Park Police were already totally planning to clear the area, and it had been planned for days. DAYS, we tell you, DAYS. They did it so they could build a fence, you see. FENCE, we tell you, FENCE.

When the U.S. Park Police led law enforcement officers into a crowd of mostly peaceful protesters outside Lafayette Square on June 1, 2020, including officers equipped with chemical irritants and officers on horseback, they did so as part of a plan made days earlier to build a fence around the park to protect officers, not to facilitate the visit minutes later by President Donald Trump to a nearby church, an inspector general's report released Wednesday concluded.

Sure thing.

The report found that preparations to clear the protesters and erect a fence began two days before the park clearing. But the idea may have gained greater urgency on the morning of June 1, in a meeting Trump held in the Oval Office with his chief of staff, military advisers, Attorney General William P. Barr and other law enforcement officials. The Washington Post has previously reported that Trump was furious at reporting that revealed he had been taken to an emergency bunker on the first night of protests that previous Friday night and the poor impression created that he had no control over the protests consuming key downtown areas in the nation's capital, according to multiple law enforcement sources and Trump advisers, who spoke on the condition of anonymity at the time due to the sensitivity of the incident.

Trump was mad everybody was calling him a Bunker Baby, that much is definitely true. So that day he started coming up with an idiot plan to do a show of idiot force with his Bible in his little tiny meat-paw in front of the church. It just HAPPENED to coincide with this other plan the Park Police had to build a fence.

Park Police officials, including then-acting chief Gregory Monahan and an unidentified incident commander, told inspector general investigators that they learned "around mid- to late afternoon ... of the President's unscheduled movement to Lafayette Park." Both Park Police officials reported that "they were not told a specific time for the President's potential arrival and that learning this information did not change their operational timeline," which was to push protesters back as soon as National Guard officers and the fencing arrived, both of which occurred after 5 p.m.

"I can tell you with 100 percent certainty," Monahan told the investigators, "that the Secret Service and the Park Police ... timeline did not change the entire day."

They just kept on making plans for a big evening of fence-building, just like they'd been doing all day!

The report furthermore says Park Police didn't personally tear gas anybody that day, but DC Police did, and Bureau of Prisons officers did pepper spray. Maybe they were just like, "Oh look, DC cops and Bureau of Prisons guys are doing the tear gas and the pepper spray. Guess we can just keep doing our fence stuff, since that's been the plan the whole time!"

Also, importantly, Bill Barr is the opposite of guilty of giving the order to clear the space and gas the priests, by which we mean he is obviously innocent:

However, a redacted portion of the report seems to indicate that an unnamed government official asked for an earlier clearing of the park. Monahan told investigators he was not given a reason for the request, and that he rejected it and "stated the clearing operation would begin once all law enforcement officers ... were in place." This does not seem to be a reference to Barr's visit to the park shortly after 6 p.m. That visit is described elsewhere by a Park Police operations commander who said the attorney general asked when the protesters would be moved, and that Barr did not give an order at that time to clear the park. The commander said the conversation with Barr was the first he'd heard that Trump was coming.

Bill Barr was just askin'. He wasn't sayin' orders or nothin', as he walked around with no tie on looking like he was cosplaying at being some kind of tough guy enforcer. Indeed, the report says Park Police was SHOCKED I TELL YOU SHOCKED when Barr even mentioned that Trump was about to do a fascist Bible photo-op, specifically when Barr asked, "Are these people still going to be here when POTUS [President of the United States] comes out?"

"The USPP operations commander told us he had not known until then that the President would be coming out of the White House and into Lafayette Park. He said he replied to the Attorney General, 'Are you freaking kidding me?'" the report reads.

Bill Barr was not freakin' kiddin' him.

The Trump-appointed IG, Mark Greenblatt, swears they found no evidence Park Police were given orders to clear the park so that Trump could do his photo op. "Just so you know, if we found that, if we had seen that type of evidence, we would absolutely have reported that, without a doubt." Absolutely! Without a doubt! For sure! Bet your bottom dollar! Good lord willin' and the creek don't rise!

The IG didn't talk to the Secret Service or the White House or Bill Barr, of course. This was just focused on Park Police. Fortunately, the Park Police were like, "Oh we were just doing this landscaping plan we had already had in place, can't much build an anti-antifa fence with all those antifas in the way!"

Donald Trump, who ordered an attack on the United States on January 6, 2021, issued a really excited statement in response to this IG report, pounding his man boobs like he does while screaming "TOTALLY EXONERATED!"

"Thank you to the Department of the Interior Inspector General for Completely and Totally exonerating me in the clearing of Lafayette Park!" he said.
"As we have said all along, and it was backed up in today's highly detailed and professionally written report, our fine Park Police made the decision to clear the park to allow a contractor to safely install antiscale fencing to protect from Antifa rioters, radical BLM protestors, and other violent demonstrators who are causing chaos and death to our cities. In this instance, they tried burning down the church the day before the clearing. Fortunately, we were there to stop the fire from spreading beyond the basement - and it was our great honor and privilege to do so. Again, thank you to the Inspector General!" Trump's statement said.

Fuck you.

Trump's Interior Secretary, David Bernhardt, is also demanding apologies, to which we also reply fuck you.

If you wanna watch Mark Greenblatt explain what happened in this "tumultuous event in a tumultuous time," here's nine minutes in your life you'll never get back.

[Washington Post / ABC News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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