Laura Ingraham, Other Gross People Think Trump's Enemies Should Stop Hitting Themselves With Fake Bombs
People on Donald Trump's naughty list are receiving early and unwanted holiday gifts in the form of pipe bombs. Federal authorities believe a number of the packages were mailed from Florida, which is large and endless (I've been there), so it could take a while to find the culprit. Meanwhile, authorities intercepted packages addressed to Senator Cory Booker, DNI James Clapper, Vice President Joe Biden and actor Robert De Niro, who could play all the roles if they make a movie out of it.
This has naturally led to an investigation into whether someone is targeting people the president hates. Trump, like any wannabe dictator, thinks this would all go away if everyone would just shut up and worship him. Non-malignant narcissists without access to nuclear codes argue that maybe until we catch the would-be bomber Trump should avoid appearing to give them further instructions.
George W. Bush set up the Department of Homeland Security — with pencils and coffeemakers, the whole shebang — after 9/11 to combat domestic threats. Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen issued a statement Thursday saying she "condemned these cowardly attacks in the strongest possible terms." "Condemn" is strong enough on its own. There's no need to double the sentence length, but maybe she was overcompensating because Trump had her assigned to pointless border patrol duty. He's very concerned about a George Soros-funded caravan of illegals that is weeks away from arrival. Nielsen discussed what she called the "crisis at our southern border" with Martha MacCallum on FOX. Couldn't they just go inside for the interview and avoid the dueling sunglasses?
Nielsen at least believes the pipe bomb threat is real and an attempt to "undermine our democracy." We already have a president doing that last bit so this is just redundant. Over on FOX Business, Trish Regan was furious that in a time when all us assholes should come together, the media won't let go of the idea that it's somehow Trump's fault that a disturbed individual is mailing bombs to people he continually singles out for attack. Why is the "fake news media" slandering Trump? Why are they even referring to the packages as bombs? Guest Geraldo Rivera demanded a definitive statement from Mayor Bill de Blasio about whether the packages are literal bombs or just unsolicited Blu-rays of The Hurricane Heist. Regan conceded that we know they're real because bombs and explosive devices are the same thing. Yeah, this is a conversation between supposedly sane people.
RIVERA: But if you have a stick of dynamite and you don't have a fuse in it, is that a bomb? I guess...
Now he sounds like the Riddler: "Why is a woman in love like a welder?"
RIVERA: At the risk of sounding like a far right-wing lunatic...
RIVERA: I have to say that I believe that this whole thing was an elaborate hoax. I believe that those bombs were never intended to explode. I think those bombs were intended to further divide the American people.
Bombs do in fact divide people. But Geraldo is speaking metaphorically, as though something is not really a terrorist attack if it only spreads terror.
Geraldo rummaged through his own ass on live TV and pulled out some wild theories. Maybe the whole thing was just to embarrass Trump, a man who has lived for 40 years with Donald Jr. as a son so he has a high threshold for embarrassment. Maybe it was the Russians. Maybe it was someone who wanted to "affect American political life." Geraldo has no idea, but he'll keep spitballing as long as the cameras are rolling.
Later on FOX, human-resembling Laura Ingraham wondered where the "liberal outrage" was over attacks against Republicans. Nancy Pelosi literally cried when discussing the 2017 shooting of Steve Scalise. But yes, I suppose, she was silent last year when a gang of liberal thugs stabbed Trump in the back in the middle of Central Park. True, that was a production of "Julius Caesar" but Caesar was wearing an ill-fitting blue suit and a red tie. The intent was clear.
Ingraham and former FBI assistant director Danny Coulson had a good laugh over how "Mickey Mouse" and Hollywood these so-called "bombs" are.
COULSON: Either this guy is the Alfred E. Newman of bomb-makers or he had no intention for these things going off. This looks like a movie prop.
I'm no FBI agent, but I wonder if Coulson isn't falling for Trump's flattering description of his supporters as the "super elite." Scan a few of his rallies and it's not a stretch to imagine one of his faithful having the will but not the talent to construct bombs. But we can't assume motive if it in any way implicates Trump. Coulson instead went topsy turvy on the whole case and suggested the pipe bombs were intended to "to get sympathy" for the targets. This conspiracy theory is gaining traction among the right. Trump Jr. has liked tweets suggesting it's all a hoax to increase chances of a "blue wave." Weren't conservatives wetting themselves because angry citizens were confronting Republicans in public places? Although people claimed George Soros was funding the "liberal mob," no one suggested it was all spectacle to get sympathy for Republicans? Look, De Niro starred in Raging Bull and Goodfellas and like a half dozen other film classics, he doesn't need to have fake bombs mailed to his house to get people to like him. Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz, though, could probably use some help.
COULSON: What then is the purpose? I tend to believe the purpose is not to hurt anybody. I think it's theater. I think it's definitely theater, and I think it's messaging. It's almost a joke.
Almost? I guess it won't really be a joke until someone dies.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.