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Laura Ingraham Just Sayin' Pete Buttigieg Is Gay & Wants To Kill All The Babies

Post-Racial America

David Brooks, whose opinion is worth roughly one Yugoslavian pfennig, wrote a glowing ode Monday to presidential wunderkind Pete Buttigieg. (Yes, it was April Fool's Day, but Brooks wasn't pulling a Comey.) The mayor of South Bend, Indiana, is the white male Democrat that Brooks has longed for while consistently voting for Republicans. He makes him feel "comfortable" and, most importantly, won't start a "culture war." However, like Barack Obama's, Buttigieg's very existence would likely fire the first shot for most conservatives.

Professional horrible person Laura Ingraham isn't wasting any time. She probably figures white people messed around and let Obama get elected, so she's going to start "othering" Buttigieg right away before he can turn everyone into a gay wedding cake. During her monologue on Tuesday's "The Ingraham Angle," she painted an Escher sketch of Buttigieg designed to scare the white hood off her viewers.

INGRAHAM: Meanwhile, the newest darling of journalists, Hollywooders and metro-lefties is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. Meet 37-year-old Pete Buttigieg -- Navy reservist, Harvard grad, Rhodes Scholar.

Why, yes, we'd love to meet someone who's just one of those things, and Buttigieg is all three! What's the catch?

INGRAHAM: And he's a married gay man, which means if he won the presidency, it would be a presidential first. And remember America likes firsts.

Conservatives like to paint sexual identity as some hip fad. Queer teens are still three times more likely to commit suicide than straight peers, but hey, the "metro-lefties" love them. Also, America does not in any way like "firsts," especially not in the Oval Office. After the first president, who by all accounts was a white man, there wasn't another "first" until Obama 220 years later. At this rate, we wouldn't have another "first" until the 23rd Century -- probably a Klingon born in Hawaii and probably still a dude.


INGRAHAM: But what do we really know about the new "it" boy? Well as mayor of South Bend, he spent tens of millions of dollars on infrastructure. He imported a lot of lime bikes, which a lot of locals abhor. And he seems to have trouble keeping track of the homicide numbers in his city.

Sure, Buttigieg is a cool liberal, but did we mention that he's turning South Bend into Chicago? Brooks wrote in his column that Buttigieg, a devout Christian, has "conservative family values." Ingraham believes that's unpossible because Buttigieg believes in a woman's right to choose. (Ingraham calls this "abortion on demand," as if women order up abortions like they're picking a sitcom to binge.) We realize no amount of recent polling data will sway her, but seriously, only 37 percent of Americans support banning abortion in all or most cases. Not even Betsy DeVos would think that's a "moral majority."

It's also apparently not possible, in Ingraham's litter box of a mind, for Buttigieg to possess traditional family values and yet not like Donald Trump and Mike Pence. Neither man is Jesus. Even Judas might be a moral stretch. Caiaphas and Annas are more their speed. Ingraham was appalled that Buttigieg described Pence as a "social extremist," but the vice president probably has that printed on the underwear Karen Pence has never personally seen.

Ingraham continued comparing Buttigieg to Obama, which in the upside down of Fox News is actually a bad thing. She accused the media of trying to prop up someone with "limited experience." Buttigieg is mayor of an American city. Trump lived in an American city. Trump had no political experience before running for president and strangely still has no real political experience two years into his term.

Trump's also a former reality TV star from New York City. If anyone has had their image revamped with the help of an enabling media, it's white working class hero Trump. Meanwhile, Buttigieg, Obama, and Hillary Clinton all have actual, legitimate roots in the midwest, the so-called American heartland. But Ingraham took a weed whacker to Mayor Pete's roots, and because there is no limit to her repulsiveness, she targeted his parents, neither of whom are running for public office.

HEARTLESS JACKAL: As with Obama, Buttigieg's parents were radicals. His father, whom he describes in his memoir as a man on the left, was a Notre Dame literature professor. So, that's great, but according to the Washington Examiner, Joseph Buttigieg was a committed Marxist, who affectionately embraced the Communist Manifesto and worked to "inject Marxism into the wider culture."

Pete was close with this father, which you can expect, but which will lead, of course, many voters to wonder how far the apple fell from the tree. It's a question he's going to be asked on the campaign trail.

Joseph Buttigieg died barely two months ago. Only soulless ghouls like Ingraham would ask Buttigieg to defend his father's memory. We've often argued that it doesn't matter how seemingly "centrist" or "moderate" or how benignly white and male the Democratic nominee is. Fox News will brainwash your parents into believing they're next of kin to Castro. The Democratic nominee could behead Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the DNC convention while drinking a smoothie made from Ilhan Omar's blood, and Ingraham would just argue it's all part of the "carefully curated public image" the media has crafted for them. Don't be fooled! They're still bringing socialism, clear air, and affordable access to health insurance.

[NYTimes / Fox News]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

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