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We want to be very clear about something at the outset. We don't know if Laura Ingraham, deep in the recesses of her heart, is an actual white supremacist. It's entirely possible she is just a soulless maggot on the inner rectum of humanity and has decided she's jealous that Tucker Carlson gets all the white supremacist street cred with Fox News viewers, and she wants to get in on that action. It could be that she's simply an operator who gets her audience, and she knows they are white supremacists terrified of black and brown people, who can't get erections unless people are hating on minorities.

Maybe she just feels she still has too many advertisers, and wants to drive away everybody who didn't leave when she started making fun of Parkland shooting survivors on Twitter.

Golly, we just don't know.

Let's watch Ingraham make words. Transcript after the jump:


INGRAHAM: Jews! Will not! Replace us!

OK just kidding, she didn't say that. She just said the same damn thing Tucker Carlson says every night about how America is being murdered by "demographic changes," because for whatever reason, mediocre white trash like Laura Ingraham and Tucker Carlson feel threatened when black and brown people are allowed to live in peace. (UNLESS she is just doing this for the money. It's possible she just goes home each night and marvels at all the horrible racist shit she said in exchange for Fox News money that day.)

Historian Kevin Kruse -- you know, the guy who beats the shit out of Dinesh D'Souza on Twitter for sport -- reflects on the historical parallels for Ingraham's rhetoric in a fantastic thread you should obviously read, noting that Laura Ingraham here sounds a lot like "the racist screeds of the 1910s and 1920s that paved the way for the rise of the Second Ku Klux Klan." Does he show his work? Of course he does. (Speaking of the Second Ku Klux Klan, remember that time Donald Trump's dad was arrested at a Klan rally in 1927? Just bringing that up because NO REASON.)

Again, we must emphasize that we don't actually know whether Laura Ingraham looks at her budget each month and wistfully says to herself, "If slavery was legal, I could afford some slaves," or whether she's just doing this because she's a piece of shit who'll say anything for ratings. Only Laura Ingraham knows that in her heart, if such a thing exists. Oh, and Jesus knows.

She is of course going to hell either way.

Hey, Laura Ingraham's advertisers! HOW'S IT HANGIN'! We are just asking because you all probably should pull 100% of your advertising, immediately.

We are just saying.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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