Laura Ingraham Building House Out Of Candy In The Woods

Republicans and Donald Trump staffers are currently experiencing blowback from the public regarding their awful policies. It's democracy in action, and according to conservatives, it's like nothing that's ever happened to any other politician in the history of "we actually have videotape contradicting your whiny asses."

This unprecedented behavior has led conservative talk show host and proud bully of children Laura Ingraham to suggest drastic measures Monday on her radio show.

LAURA INGRAHAM (HOST): It sounds like three people, doesn't it? Chasing old Mitch McConnell around.


Was Elaine with -- I'd be careful going up to Elaine Chao. She's the tiger wife. She doesn't like the taunting. No.

There's got to be, I guess you can't do this -- this is where my devilish side comes out. It would be fun to carry around a Super Soaker. Like one of those Super Soakers that shoots like 40 feet, and just start soaking them. Probably the first shower they've gotten in some time. So you kill two birds with one stone. You kind of have a fun moment of frivolity in the summertime heat, and also you also give them a bathing opportunity. Maybe give them some soap too. So hit them with a Super Soaker and some soap, say go to town.

It's funny that Ingraham refers to her "devilish side," which we all know soundly defeated whatever "angelic" side she might've had long ago and now regularly dances on its grave.

During a brief supervillain monologue, Ingraham fantasizes about hosing down protestors like it's 1960s Alabama. She must be stuck in the '60s if she's trotting out the tired stereotype that everyone who protests the government is an unwashed hippie from Berkeley. I know politicians having to put up with aggrieved citizens or even just outright assholes whenever they go out in public is totally new and scary but maybe she can find a less violent and reflexively racist coping method.

Ingraham expressed her annoyance with people making a fuss over the Trump administration's family separation policy and daring to expect Mitch McConnell, who is only the majority leader of the Senate, to have some answers regarding when migrant children might see their parents again.

You've just got to ridicule these people, they're so ridiculous. "Where are the babies, Mitch? Where're the babies at? Where're the babies at, Mitch?"

Really? You've "just go to" mock human beings who are worried about other younger and more vulnerable human beings? But that was supposedly what your fake "pro-life" ass was doing just last year. Remember when you screamed at a guest about illegal immigrants having access to abortion and all but called him a monster before cutting off his mic?

In the above clip, Ingraham wanted to make it clear to her "pro-baby-killing" guest that a baby isn't a hamster. (And you thought FOX News had no educational value.) Maybe Trump's migrant kiddie jails don't disturb Ingraham because she mistakenly believes they are just stocked with furry pet rodents.

Why do I always -- when they keep repeating the "kids in cages, kids in cages," every time I go by a public schoolyard now, I say those are the same type of cages that they're talking about. It's just chain link fence. Kids in cages, chain link fence. Kids in cages.

Why is Ingraham cruising public schoolyards? If she just constructs a second house out of gingerbread, the kids will come to her. She won't even have to put on her shoes. Also, my son is enrolled in a fairly progressive preschool, but I think even the ones outside of liberal bubbles release the children to their parents on a daily basis. This is what the kids call "sociopathically missing the point."

Again, if these Democrats really cared about the kids -- the kids, they're worried about the kids. Where are they on the American kids, what's happened to the American kids? In the inner cities who have been hammered by the lack of having no fathers, no role models, getting hit by these gangbangers. The kids who are in failing schools because the left keeps them choked off from competition.

This is the "I'm Telling You for the Last Time* (*but unfortunately not)" greatest hits collection of laughable right-wing rhetorical deflection. The silliest of which is the notion that funding private schools for rich kids will somehow improve poor kids' quality of education. It's the "So? Child Is Left Behind" plan.

There's also no actual evidence that everyone protesting family separation is Democrats. Maybe Ingraham could conduct a quick survey before hosing them down. If she's genuinely curious about where "Democrats" are when "inner city" kids are victims of violence, she could turn on the weekend news. C'mon, lady, I know the "what about Chicago?" routine is an audience pleaser, but next time try letting a few days pass before using it again in your nightclub act.

She also claims "inner city" kids (i.e. black people) have "no fathers, no role models," which is insultingly untrue. Ingraham also spends a lot of her time on a network that devotes most of its air time to knocking our role models (Diamond and Silk don't count). Just because you don't like our role models doesn't mean they don't exist. I don't much like Ingraham, but I'd never claim that children who aspire to be Disney villains have no one to model themselves after.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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