Laura Ingraham Triggers All The Libs Who Think She Can't Drink A Steak Or Eat Light Bulbs
If there is one thing that Laura "The Marina Abramovic of the Right" Ingraham is tired of, it is liberals like us going around telling her that she should not eat light bulbs or drink steak with a straw. It's all she ever hears! "Hey Laura, don't chew glass!", "Hey Laura, a steak cannot actually fit through a straw. Maybe put it in a blender first, if this is something you are committed to doing?" But Laura is not going to let us keep her down or tell her what she can and cannot eat. Which is why, we have to assume, she decided last night on her show to attempt to eat a dinner of steak and light bulbs through a straw.
Naturally, she included a little trigger warning for those of us who might be too delicate for such an act of defiance.
"Okay. A warning, here it is, the ultimate trigger sculpture, kind of culinary sculpture, it has everything that Democrats hate," Ingraham said. "Steak, plastic straws, and light bulbs. And if I could have put an SUV on this I would have."
I have to admit, I actually would have been a little "triggered" if Laura Ingraham ate a light bulb on live television, seeing as how that would likely result in blood pouring out of her mouth. That is some pretty horrifying imagery! I would, however, watch her eat an SUV. I would never, ever try stop Laura Ingraham from eating an SUV.
But what is this? Is it performance art? Is it pica? Is it like the thing where I sometimes want to chew ice because I'm anemic? I've heard of people who suddenly started wanting to eat dirt because they were pregnant or anemic, so maybe Laura Ingram needs to start taking some iron pills?
Alas, it seems as though she was not eating this appealing looking meal because she has pica or because liberals think that chewing glass is bad, but rather because sometimes, liberals talk about little things people can do to murder the planet less. Things like making light bulbs more energy efficient, not using plastic straws and eating less meat because part of the reason the Amazon is burning is because people are eating too much meat. And they say these things and make these suggestions without even considering how super fun and cool Laura Ingraham thinks it is to specifically do things that fuck with the planet. Because how is the planet going to understand that we own it if we don't put it in it's place every so often?
The fact is, most of us have pretty nuanced views on these things. Like, I do eat meat, but I'm trying to eat less of it. I do not think plastic straws should be outright banned, because many people with disabilities need them in order to be able to drink, and we just don't have a suitable replacement for them yet. Those of us who can should use biodegradable or reusable straws (I prefer the silicone ones, because I do not like wet paper in my mouth and am pretty sure I'd chip a tooth on the metal kind), or at least reuse the plastic ones as many times as we can. And perhaps recycle them as cat toys for our weird cats who for some reason like them better than actual cat toys.
I think there is room for compromise here. We can discuss things we can do to murder the planet a little more slowly, and Laura Ingraham and her friends can mind their own damn business and eat light bulbs all day, rather than having weird panic attacks over some hypothetical future where we will come for their cheeseburgers. There is room for all kinds here!
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse