Lauren Boebert: People Still Fly After 9-11 So Why Regulate Guns
Hi! I’m Lauren Boebert, and I just woke up from a twenty-year coma that I fell into the day after 9/11! Somebody catch me up on things and stuff!
I got elected to Congress? Wow! When did that happen? Also, what’s Congress? Also, what’s “elected"?
Whoa! That’s a big building! I work there? Awesome!
So listen! I had a lot of dreams in that coma, and what I dreamed about was shooting guns! Lots and lots of guns! Guns that shoot slow, guns that shoot fast, guns that go pew pew pew and guns that go boom boom ba-boom! Then I wake up, and people are talking about regulating guns! What’s the deal?
Oh, I see. Really? That many massacres? Huh. That does sound bad.
Okay, but look. I was still conscious on 9/11, and that was also bad, but no one was talking about banning planes, for crying out loud. Look, there’s a plane right now flying overhead! And another one over there! And look! They’re all still flying, still spraying the chemtrails. I should talk to the guy who leads that Congress thingy where I work about that.
What? A woman leads Congress? Fine, I can work with a woman as long as she's not a liberal from some godless big city where the men think they're women or something.
But like I said, 9-11 happened and people are still flying, right?
No, I told you, I’ve been in a coma! I don’t know what the TSA is. Geez, Bill Clinton, stop having sex with interns and pay attention, huh? Boy, I bet at least nobody's had to hear anything about Slick Willie for the last twenty years. Must be a relief.
“Transportation Security Administration.” Sounds like something that guy who wrote that book would make up to sound scary. What’s it do?
What’s that? “Tightened security architecture”? Sorry, I didn’t take Shakespeare or whatever in school. What does that mean?
Wipe my suitcase down with like a Handi-Wipe to make sure there aren’t any traces of bomb-making chemicals or anthrax on it? Okay first of all, I was too busy being cool to ever go to chemistry class! And second of all, I wish I had Scott Ian in my suitcase! Mama likey the bad boys!
What’s that? Married with a kid? Okay, but I bet he can still thrash!
Really? You have to take your shoes off before getting on a plane? Do they think you might be carrying a bomb in a shoe? Oh.
Belts too? That seems silly. Sure, my giant novelty “Colorado – Shoot, are we high!” belt buckle is pretty big, but I don’t think I could conceal a bomb or, like, a 9-mm Glock 19 with laser sights and an extended magazine in it! But if I could, I’d have stopped all those 9-11 hijackers in their tracks! I’d have pulled out my awesome laser-sighted Glock and said, “Hey Mohammad, eat American lead!” And then I’d have gone all pewpew pew with my gun. What? Yes, while the plane was in the air, duh. Couldn’t very well wait until they landed, could I?
What? You can’t go to the gate anymore unless you’ve got a ticket? Seems silly. I love going to the gate, that’s where all the planes are, and those things are cool!
What's a no-fly list? Oh, I see. But just for, like, terrorists, right? Surely this never affects white Americans, the patriotic ones who love Jesus and America.
Okay ... secured cockpits ... air marshals on planes ... four-ounce size limit on bottles ... really? Do they at least make Bud in four-ounce cans now that I can shotgun during the flight? Okay, I won't say I want to "shotgun" anything when I'm on a plane, Mom.
Anything else? Afghanistan? What’s that, a cereal? Oh, the guy who planned 9/11 lived there! Did we go get him? I bet our military kicked ass!
We were there for how long?
But we got that guy eventually, Osama bin whatever, right? Sorry, we stayed how long after we got him?
Boy. I guess a few things have changed about flying! But that's flying! Surely there is a huge difference between securing airports and airplanes and going to war after thousands of Americans were murdered, and tightening the free-flowing commerce of guns to try and limit the chances of any old rando easily getting his hands on a weapon of war and using it to massacre twenty kids in an elementary school, right?
No, I didn’t briefly wake up from my coma around the end of 2012, why do you ask?