New Rep. Lauren Boebert Takes Her Fake Glock To Washington
Lauren Boebert was sworn into Congress a few days ago, and she's already distinguishing herself as an attention-seeking wack job. Boebert, a proud member of the House Sedition Caucus, released a video this weekend explaining why she plans to run around Washington DC with a gun. The city is violent, scary, and full of Black people. She needs her Glock to feel safe.
In the video, which you can watch below if you have nothing better to do, Boebert explains that “one of the challenges of working in DC is that people here" — who are, you know, Black — “don't understand how we" — she means white people — “live in real America." It's like she's reporting to work at the US embassy in New Blackula.
Boebert said she refuses to give up her Second Amendment rights, although no one's asking her. She reminds me of the lazy white Southerners who got pissed that they couldn't bring the humans they enslaved with them to free states. The only "states rights" that matter are the ones that permit conservatives to do whatever they want.
BOEBERT: Here are the real reasons why I choose to defend myself in our nation's capital. I am a woman and a mother of four. I chose to defend my family with all of the force the Constitution provides. DC is one of the top 10 most dangerous cities in our country. Homicide rates and violent crimes are skyrocketing here.
I actually researched this, and I couldn't find any credible list that ranked DC as one of “the top 10 most dangerous cities" in the US. However, several cities in states Boebert would consider part of “real America" (i.e., Alabama, Florida, and Tennessee) do make the cut. Boebert is from Rifle, Colorado (that's right), which has a crime rate higher than 76 percent of other US cities. If Boebert carried around an actual rifle, like Chuck Connors in the Rifleman, she'd still be an idiot, but I'd appreciate her thematic consistency. But that would be illegal, and we all know Lauren Boebert is a stickler for "law."
She's also wrong about the “skyrocketing" crime rates in the District: Although homicides have increased, violent crime rates are down six percent, and overall crime is down 19 percent. It also seems unlikely that Boebert would willingly visit the U Street Corridor. In her video, she takes her Glock for a walk in Capitol Hill, one of the area's safest neighborhoods. Risk assessment is not one of the skills Boebert is bringing to “fake" America.
BOEBERT: As a 5-foot tall, 100-pound woman, I choose to protect myself legally because I am my best security. So, if you see me in DC, say hi. You're safe with me.
Don't do this if you're a Black person she doesn't know. She might shoot you.
Boebert wants to carry her gun in the Capitol, one of the most secure buildings in the nation. Paranoid members of Congress can store firearms in their offices and transport them in the District, as long as they're not loaded (the guns, I mean). Her stupid slow-mo '80s hair band video succeeded in going viral, which was her intent, and Fox News celebrated her bold commitment to gun humping.
However, Boebert would need a concealed-carry permit to wander city streets packing heat. Any weapon she brought from Colorado would require registration in the city. DC Police Chief Robert Contee pointed this out politely but firmly.
"There are no exceptions in the District of Columbia," Contee said. "We plan to reach out to the Congresswoman's office to make sure she is aware of what the laws of the District of Columbia are… [She] will be subjected to the same penalties as anyone else."
After receiving the attention she desperately craved, Boebert whined that liberals and the media were picking on her. Not surprisingly, the conservative cop lover quickly turned on the cop who dared suggest she obey the law.
From the Denver Post:
"I have gone through the concealed carry courses. There is a concealed carry permit for Washington, D.C. I have already gone through those courses. So, the D.C. chief of police is welcome to contact me," Boebert told a CPR reporter.
This isn't actually confirmation that Boebert has a permit to carry in the District. Then there's this nonsense:
"I don't know if he's contacting each and every person to make sure that they're following all the traffic laws. If I said I was coming to drive in Washington, D.C., maybe he'd need to call me and let me know exactly what their traffic laws are. To think that I'm ignorant of D.C. carry laws just because I said I will carry is a little absurd."
Driving laws are decidedly different from gun laws. But if she wants to stick with this metaphor, it's not relevant whether she's following all traffic laws if she doesn't possess a valid driver's license.
Boebert's spokesperson now claims she wasn't actually carrying a gun in the shoot (and potentially breaking the law). Maybe she used a CGI Glock for her little political farce.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).