Leading Conservative Thinkers Demand Washington Post Call Jennifer Rubin A Total Bitch

We feel like we don't spend enough time pointing out that Mollie Hemingway, who writes for very serious website The Federalist, is one of those rare Americans who is stupider than one of Donald Trump's rectal warts. But that's cool, because we usually have better things to do!

But sometimes we are on Twitter and we see this:

Oh good, something worthy of America's attention.

Jennifer Rubin makes the dumbest Trumpiest conservatives in America mad, because she doesn't eat paint chips for breakfast and worship Donald Trump's overgrown Yeti taint, therefore they are sending the Washington Post an ANGER LETTER to demand WaPo stop calling Rubin a conservative. And MOLLIE HEMINGWAY IS ON THE CASE, because she's a very serious journalist who gets paid to write very serious things.

To be clear, this post isn't all about how Mollie Hemingway is dumber than a bag of hammers. That's just how we decided to frame this post, for our own amusement.

Of course, reading the letter, one learns that it's not Rubin's conservatism or lack thereof that makes these "thinkers" mad. It's that she refuses to be utterly braindead in the age of Donald Trump. The letter begins by accusing the Washington Post of having a "credibility problem" (among people who eat human hair), and goes on to give examples of times Rubin -- who has been a conservative columnist at the paper since forever but continually commits the twin cardinal sins of thinking Donald Trump is full of shit and going on MSNBC -- has used her noodle and written her own thoughts on an issue, as opposed to what President Good Brain thinks. Indeed, they've caught Rubin red-handed believing in science and thinking women should be sovereign over their own bodies. HOW DARE SHE!

The letter's signatories are a veritable who's who, if the "who" in question is "Oh no, we are trapped on a desert island! WHO shall we eat first?" There's Michelle Malkin, who is referred to as an "Investigative Journalist." Truly, who among us can forget that time Malkin investigated a child in need of health insurance and found that his parents possessed granite countertops?

There's Ginni Thomas, Clarence Thomas's bugfuck insane wife, who likes to call Anita Hill early in the morning and demand apologies, because that's a normal thing to do. Maybe she can teach Ashley Kavanaugh a thing or two, about being married to a Supreme Court justice who's also a super fucking pervert.

There's Matt Schlapp, the TV talking windsock who made a big show of running away from the White House Correspondents Dinner crying because Michelle Wolf said a mean joke about Sarah Huckabee Sanders's eye makeup. Let's see what he's been tweeting lately:

Cool story, bro. Do you also like rape? Just curious.

Is there anybody on the list who wants to ban all the buttsex? Sure! Ken Cuccinelli signed!

There's also a dumb dick from the Family Research Council (a hate group) and a dumb dick from the Susan B. Anthony List and a bunch of other dumb dicks from a bunch of other dumb dick right-wing organizations. Like we said, it's a who's who (of people we wouldn't leave our children alone with).

Hemingway notes at The Federalist that "The Post has thus far declined repeated calls to rectify its deficit of actual conservative writers or deal with its false labeling of Rubin," perhaps because the Washington Post is busy washing its hair or doing actual journalism or something, and doesn't take unsolicited calls from special snowflake morons who think it's their place to try to dictate editorial policy at a newspaper they don't subscribe to anyway.

This has been a blog post about very smart people calling Jennifer Rubin a bitch, because that's what's important in America right now.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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