Leave Dave Agema Alone, Cries Lispy Homophobe Stalker Andrew Shirvell


Oh my God, you guys, those awful gays just refuse to stop bullying poor Republican National Committeeman Dave Agema just because he likes to repeat defamatory lies about gays, many of whom live in the magical far away place known as the "Flight Attendant Realm" where they have wild orgies, plot half the murders in major cities, and (lesbians only) drive so recklessly that they are 534 times more likely to die in auto accidents. Subaru libel!

Anyway, it seems like no one will defend delicate flower Dave Agema from these vicious people orientated toward sex partners with genitalia similar to their own. These gays are more powerful than one million atom bombs, sure, but someone must be brave enough to say: No, gays, this is still America and you cannot advance your gay lifestyle agenda by criticizing ignorant bigots for their ignorance and bigotry.

Fortunately, Dave Agema is not alone. A hero has emerged to join the fight against science, reason, and basic human decency. That hero is Andrew Shirvell, the lispy ex-assistant attorney general who pretty much devoted his life to watching everything University of Michigan student body president Chris Armstrong did with his time. Shirvell did that because Chris Armstrong was a gay and Shirvell believed if he showed just how gay everything Chris Armstrong did was -- study for exams, eat breakfast, brush his teeth, poop, make out with dudes who were not Andrew Shirvell -- then people would finally understand how gross and wrong it is that Chris Armstrong gets to be gay while other people who are not necessarily Andrew Shirvell must repress their deep, deep desire to rub hot oil on former UM quarterback Tom Brady's naked body.

On the petition, Shirvell commended Agema's "pro-family stance," saying Agema "merely shared indisputable truths about the homosexual lifestyle."

"The liberal 'Republicans' calling for his resignation are nothing more than a bunch of crybabies who seem hell-bent on purging the party of conservative voices," Shirvell wrote. "Mr. Agema, please stay strong against the radical homosexual agenda — and please continue to stick-up for the First Amendment!"

Right? Because it's so hard to find any conservatives in the Republican Party anymore. Ever since John Anderson defeated Ronald Reagan for the 1980 presidential nomination, selected Jacob Javits as his running-mate, won the election, and named Charles Mathias as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, the entire Republican Party has been nothing but liberals and gays stifling the First Amendment. Had the GOP listened to conservative voices like Agema and Shirvell, maybe they wouldn't have lost the 2012 presidential election with the so-called "supergay" president ticket of Jim Kolbe and Steve Gunderson.

And, true, nothing like that literally happened but reality hasn't kept guys like Agema and Shirvell from believing in crazy things (see that dumb lesbian traffic accident stat cited above) so let's not allow technicalities get in the way of convenient false narratives.



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