Silver Eagles and Gold Eagles are magical beautiful coins, made out of liberty metals, that protect Patriot-Americans from starvation and cancer caused by our current economic turmoil. And they've beenselling like crazy lately! Just like real-life eagles -- which rescue you and let you ride them to safety whenever Tequila Party bandits from Mexico invade your home -- Eagle-coins help you to "soar" above the perils of the markets. But buy yours fast, warn the merchant-numismatists at GovMint, who are expecting a "total sell-out!"

Silver Eagles are the best silver coins God ever made, and some of them are "perfect," somehow. Last year, the GovMint almost ran out of Silver Eagles because an inflation-proof coin named Ron Paul bought up most of them to use as floor tile for his master bathroom. Ron Paul is also perfect, somehow.

As for gold, China is secretly hoarding it like some eccentric pack-rat grandpa, and this is supposedly making gold more expensive. And America was too busy sleeping with the television still on to notice this buying spree by the Chinese, but now Americans are waking up. Gold's value has increased by about 400% since last Tuesday, which is even higher than the job placement success rate at Michelle Bachmann job fairs. Go gold!

You will see crowds of sad old hobo men pushing wheelbarrows full of worthless paper money down your street -- lots of them, very soon, because of ObamaCare. But you will never see hobos pushing wheelbarrows full of Eagles, because "savvy Americans" don't become hobos.



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