HEY-O, somebody has a birthday today, and her name is H-I-L-L-A-R-Y! Also known as the first female president of the United States, as of a few months from now, Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton Benghazi Vince Foster Whitewater McGee was born on this day in 1947, which makes her 69 years old! She was vomited up from the bowels of hell, took on the appearance of a bouncing baby girl, and nobody noticed her true demon shape until some Republican men in Arkansas got creeped out by how she didn't immediately take her husband's last name when they got married. Then they could tell FOR SURE.

Anyway, now Hillary's going to be preznit, and it's her birthday. As she told Ellen DeGeneres recently, at 69, she will be the YOUNGEST WOMAN EVER elected president of the United States, a title she will hold for a few years, right up until Sasha Obama steals the crown.

So, you might be wondering what a woman like Hillz does for her birthday. As you can see above, she looked radiant in green, as she made fun of the way Donald Trump stalked her at that one debate.

Tuesday night (which totally counts as "birthday" because it is her birthday week and also her birthday month), Hillz went to see the Adele concert in Miami, where Adele told everybody in no uncertain terms that she is #WithHer. As to Donald Trump, Adele said, "Don't vote for him." But don't worry, Trump still has that coveted Ted Nugent endorsement sewn up!

Today, Hillary got ALL excited at one of her campaign stops in Florida when somebody was like HEY GURL IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY! That's right, it is!



Also, like a totally normal person, Hillary did a radio interview where Stevie Wonder sang "Happy Birthday" to her:

Remember when Stevie Wonder did that for YOUR birthday? US TOO!

By the way, Stevie said he's all in for Hillary too, because obviously.

Finally, Hillary tweeted happy birthday TO HERSELF ON HER OWN TWITTER. What the hell, Hillz? Way to make your birthday ALL ABOUT YOU. Just kidding, awwwwwww:

You can sign Hillary's birthday card too, if you want! (SPOILER: They're going to try to get you to donate to her campaign.) (SPOILER AGAIN: You should donate to her campaign.)

Oh, and it sounds like Hillz has plans for her birthday night too:

According to NBC News, the politician has two events in Florida scheduled for today before heading back to New York for a mystery birthday celebration.

MYSTERY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION! Wonkette has no idea what that might be unless it's Bill Clinton and Huma Abedin dressing up like Marilyn Monroe and singing sexxxy birthday songs to Hillary. It's probably that.

Happy 69th birthday Hillz. And just remember, on your 70th, you will be QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE!


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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