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These guys make Don Jr. and Jared look SMART!


It's time again for another episode of The Moron Squad, our semi-regular check in with the bit players in the Russia Show -- the ones that make Donny Jr. and Jared look like criminal masterminds by comparison. That's right, we're talking about Julian "I'm No Rapist" Assange, Congressman Dana Rohrabacher (R-Moscow), WORLD FAMOUS AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST Chuck C. Johnson, and Roger Stone.

When last we left the dipshits, Chuckles and Rohrabacher had taken a road trip to visit Assange in his rat cage at the Ecuadorian embassy in London. They sat around drawing I LUV PUTIN hearts on their Trapper Keepers for a while, debating whether the Putin on a Horse photo or Putin with a Tiger photo is sexier. Then Assange gave Rohrabacher proof Donald Trump won the election fair and square with his massive man hands. Well, it was actually a sheet of blank paper Assange wrote a secret message on using his own spit. But Rohrabacher has big plans to visit Trump and hold it over a lightbulb to prove that Hillary was the real Russia collusion-doer. Then Trump can pardon Assange, freeing his pasty ass to shit-tweet about Hillary Clinton for all eternity.

Liddle' Chucky

You may know Chuck C. Johnson as a Holocaust-denying traitor wanker and internet troll. He tells anyone who'll listen that he's an AWARD WINNING JOURNALIST! But no one listens, so he spends most of his time trying to insert himself into other people's stories while frantically shouting, "Someone look at me! I AM TOO important! Stop calling me a loser!" But when he donates Bitcoins to his buddy Dana Rohrabacher, Little Johnson refers to himself as an "investor." Via The Daily Beast:

[A]fter Johnson set up a meeting between the California Republican and WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Johnson donated $5,400 in Bitcoin to Rohrabacher’s campaign, according to a new filing with the Federal Election Commission, which listed Johnson’s occupation as “investor.” He confirmed the donations in a text message with The Daily Beast, adding, “I’m rich now.”

Yes, I'M RICH NOW is definitely a thing that IRL rich people say. And in case you were wondering, yep, he's still a dick:

Dana Rohrabacher

Remember that time House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy got recorded saying, "There's two people I think Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump?" What a funny, funny joke to make about a guy who's taking contributions in untraceable Bitcoin, huh?

Sadly Rohrabacher hasn't been able to deliver his super-secret memo from Assange to the president yet because of a DEEP STATE PLOT. Via Business Insider:

"The White House staff and other top people in the administration are trying to protect the president from himself. That's what they think and in fact they are usurping his authority to make decisions — the important decisions — himself."

So far, John Kelly has told Rohrabacher to GTFOH with that bullshit about an Assange pardon. But who knows what will happen if Trump's chief foreign policy advisor Sean Hannity takes up Assange's cause?

Julian Assange

After five years, the Ecuadorian Embassy has gone from Julian Assange's political asylum to a single-occupant home for the (allegedly!) criminally insane, if his Twitter feed is any indication:

OK buddy. It's bad enough that the Ecuadorian embassy's guest is crazier than a shithouse rat. But a closer look at his Twitter timeline shows Assange attempting to insert himself into the Catalan independence movement, and that is not pleasing his Ecuadorian babysitters!

Indeed, new Ecuadorian President Rafael Correa Lenin Moreno has had it up to here with that asshole flinging his shit everywhere and is ready to cut him loose if the US pinky swears not to execute him.

So that sucks for him, we guess.

Assange responded:

Keep tweeting, asshole! You've got them right where you want them!

Roger Stone

But where does old Roger fit into this? Well, just last week he was flouncing around saying he couldn't possibly tell House Russia investigators the name of his connection to Julian Assange because JOURNALISM. Was his connection possibly an AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST who moonlights as an investor in Bitcoins? Hmmmmmm.

Naturally, Stone folded like a cheap suit the second Congressmen Mike Conaway and Adam Schiff threatened to subpoena him. Via CNN:

An attorney for Roger Stone says the longtime confidante to President Donald Trump has complied with the House Russia investigators' request for him to provide the identity of his intermediary to WikiLeaks' founder Julian Assange.

But Stone's attorney, Grant Smith, would not say whether that meant Stone had in fact revealed the identity of his WikiLeaks go-between to the House intelligence committee.

"Mr. Stone has complied with the committee's requests. No further statement will be issued," Smith said, declining to answer any additional questions.

NOT ENOUGH EYE ROLL IN THE WORLD for this attempt to be coy. Your client crapped in his silk boxers at the mere mention of a subpoena! Boy, please!

But if any AWARD WINNING JOURNALISTS with little Johnsons (allegedly!) happened to be the go-between for Assange and Roger Stone, congratulations! You finally found a way to insert yourself into a real story. You better start saving your Bitcoin for a lawyer, rich boy, because Robert Mueller might just be coming for you!

[The Daily Beast / Business Insider / WaPo / CNN]

Please click here to contribute to our coverage of Stupid Watergate! These dick jokes don't write themselves, people!

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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In what seems like a perfectly logical move where corporations are people, MGM International Resorts is suing all the victims of the Las Vegas massacre in federal court. But don't worry -- at least the company isn't seeking damages from them for its own corporate pain and suffering! Instead, the lawsuit is a maneuver to head off liability claims related to the mass shooting last October 1, as is only right and just. All they want is what's coming to them, like immunity from damages and some ill will from consumers, which will no doubt blow over eventually.

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Do-Nothing Republicans Continue Doing Nothing About Traitor Trump

Can you keep a crook in office while not looking crooked yourself?

Russia

Monday in Helsinki, Donald Trump stood next to Russian President Vladimir Putin, the official sponsor of Trump's White House reality show, and glibly debased America and its institutions in exchange for a soccer ball, which frankly is more than his soul was ever worth. Republican leaders, defenders of liberty all, strongly condemned the president's actions. House Speaker Paul Ryan went so far as to say, "There's no place for this. [He] should apologize. That's dangerous for our society, that's dangerous for our democracy."

Sorry, no, that was a statement Ryan made when Rep. Maxine Waters suggested citizens personally let members of Trump's cabinet know how much they suck. Ryan's actual statement post-Helsinki reminded me more of the "vaguebooking" your friend posts on social media when their marriage is collapsing.

There is no question that Russia interfered in our election and continues attempts to undermine democracy here and around the world. That is not just the finding of the American intelligence community but also the House Committee on Intelligence. The president must appreciate that Russia is not our ally. There is no moral equivalence between the United States and Russia, which remains hostile to our most basic values and ideals. The United States must be focused on holding Russia accountable and putting an end to its vile attacks on democracy.

"Sometimes you realize you should've listened to your family and friends. You should trust they know what's best for you. It can turn out that your heart was wrong all along."

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