Let's Go To Rehab With Josh Duggar And Learn How To Give Our Penises To Jesus
Duggar's looking forward to the laying on of hands part.
Once upon a time, a teenage boy called Josh Duggar got in BIG trouble with his fundamentalist Christian mom and dad, for sticking his fingers inside his sisters, so they sent him to a big city called Little Rock, where a "family friend" could teach him not to do that anymore, through
professional counseling doing manual labor and talking about Jesus a whole bunch. And it worked! (They say.) Josh Duggar never diddled a family member again! (That we know of.)
And when he was growned up, Josh Duggar put babies in his Good Christian Wife Anna, but when she wasn't looking, he liked to get on the internet and look for strange ladybusiness to put his pecker inside, including these two times when he did violent sex to a hardcore porn star lady, utterly terrifying her, and totally distracting him from doing God's Work at the Family Research Council, teaching people how to hate gays and birth control.
So now, off Duggar has gone again, to a Jesus-loving sex rehab, where he will
receive professional counseling do more free manual labor and talk about Jesus some more, and never ever put his penis in a forbidden hole again!
Gawker's got the skinny on Duggar's new digs. It's called Reformers Unanimous, and it's just the Jesus Rehab you need, if you don't want to actually get counseling, but instead want to heal all your problems with Jesus, a hammer and a nail. You see, everyone on staff seems to have one thing in common, and it's not a counseling degree, but rather, they've all been saved, and they're "[h]ere to help you find a dynamic love relationship with Jesus Christ." And they will teach Josh Duggar how to surrender his penile urges to Jesus for the low, low price of $7500!
Let's look at the application Josh had to fill out. It's full of rules! For instance, he's not allowed to date any chicks while he's in the Jesus slammer :(
NO FAIR! If he can't talk "about old habits or lifestyles," then his roommates won't think he's cool AT ALL! He was looking so forward to being like, "Hey, this one porn star? Did her. TWICE!"
Also, the part about encouraging them to narc on each other is real nice.
Here's a thing about how, if he doesn't whistle while he works (for free), he has to go sleep at a shelter like a common Homeless:
There's a thing about how their sleeping facilities are owned by God, therefore moving furniture is against the rules, oh, and DO NOT TALK SHIT ABOUT THE FOOD, you sex-addicted bozo pervs: "Negative remarks about food will not be tolerated. Prayer and fasting are a profitable alternative." MEOW! Go complain to Jesus about how you're starving, you creeps!
Now here is some good news. Josh is allowed to get caught chalking his cue looking at the porn he smuggled in, up his butt, up to FOUR TIMES before he gets kicked out of the program, so schedule wisely, mister!
The app itself is pretty extensive and only gets weird a couple times, like when they make abundantly clear that there's nothing "medical" about this "rehab facility":
And also after all the normal things like "Who is your emergency contact?" (he probably wrote that porn star's name and number) and "Are you a sex offender?" (obviously!), there is one more very important question:
So hurray, Josh Duggar got accepted! He will go through the program, he won't cheat NO NOT AT ALL, he will talk to the Lord about the things the porn demons force him to do, the Lord will magically heal him, and then he will go back home and still be a gross sex creeper, in Jesus' name, AMEN.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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