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We don't have time to get into all the details of why Never-Was-A-White-House-Employee Corey Lewandowski will probably be a fucking asshole and refuse to answer questions for the House Judiciary Committee today, but here is the White House telling Lewandowski that he, a private citizen, should not answer Congress's questions about his interactions with Donald Trump, beyond what's in the Mueller Report, based on well-known legal principles White House Counsel Pat Cipollone found inside his asshole:

The White House had already "blocked" Rick Dearborn and Rob Porter from testifying, and until a judge finally smacks down Trump's bullshit claims of "absolute immunity" -- as in, when we get the final ruling on Don McGahn's testimony -- we guess that will be that. But Corey's gonna show up! And act like a fucking clown, obviously.

If you'll remember, Corey Lewandowski is an important star of the Mueller Report because Trump tried to get Lewandowski -- a private citizen -- to help influence Jeff Sessions's handling of the Mueller investigation, which forms one of the key acts of criminal obstruction of justice Trump committed. Also he tried to get Lewandowski to help him fire Sessions. Because that's a thing private citizens do all the time, which is why Wonkette fires Bill Barr all the time, though he refuses to leave.

To quote from Wonkette's liveblog of the Mueller Report:

OK, as obstructive incidents go, the tick-tock that starts on page 90 is HOLYSHITDUMB. Trump calls Corey Lewandowski into the Oval Office on June 19, 2017, says "Corey will you please call the Justice Department and tell Jeff Sessions they're only allowed to investigate Russian election interference OF THE FUTURE?" Because obviously NO COLLUSION, so why would Mueller want to investigate what happened in 2016? So Corey silently told Trump to fuck off and didn't do it. (To be clear, though, he tried. He even set up a meeting with Sessions, and when that didn't work out, he tried to farm the job out to Rick Dearborn. He just didn't try very hard. Still, Corey Lewandowski is a fucking idiot, and also an accessory.)

ONE MONTH LATER, Trump is like "hey Corey, did you relay my very important and normal and smart request to Jeff Sessions?" He had not, but said he would. (He was not going to.)

This is the statement Trump dictated to Corey Lewandowski, of a speech Trump wanted Jeff Sessions to give:

Back to the Wonkette liveblog of the Mueller Report:

[A] month later was when Corey finally gave the notes to Rick [Dearborn], and it was Rick who really was like UM YEAH NO. So he told Corey the situation had been dealt with, when the truth was fuck you.

To be clear, part of this request to Corey and to Rick involved how Jeff Sessions should resign if he's not willing to give the very important and normal speech pasted above, about how Trump is a genius and Robert Mueller should not check the trunk for bodies, we mean investigate Russian interference in the 2016 election.

So basically Trump was trying to get Corey Lewandowski -- who didn't even work for the White House -- to fire Jeff Sessions for him. Did you know that private citizens are allowed to fire the attorney general? We didn't!

Riiiiiiiiight.

All refreshed now? We are!

This is going to be a shitshow, because of course it is. But it's also the first official hearing in the impeachment investigation into Donald Trump with the first fact witness from the Mueller Report. So let's liveblog it!


Live: Corey Lewandowski testifies before House Judiciary Committee www.youtube.com

1:15: Ken Dilanian, who may be the worst reporter in the entire mainstream media, is on MSNBC right now talking about how the Mueller Report "did not accuse" Donald Trump of obstruction of justice. No, it just laid it out chapter and verse!

By the way, Corey Lewandowski may be a hostile witness (he is definitely that), but he will also be under oath. So he'd better not perjure himself!

1:18: Wow, Corey looks like shit.

Nadler now giving his opening statement about how Trump's legal strategy of "absolute immunity" is absolute bullshit, how insane it is that Rob Porter and Rick Dearborn, but especially Rick Dearborn, didn't show up for the hearing today. Nadler also details Lewandowski's involvement in Trump's obstruction of justice with Jeff Sessions, as we lazily copy/pasted from our own work when we READ ALL NINE MILLION PAGES OF THE MUELLER REPORT.

1:22: Nadler calls the White House's letter on Lewandowski even dumber and more dangerous than the "absolute immunity" claims. Refers to it as the "crony privilege," which is FACTCHECK not a law thing.

1:25: We are pretty sure ranking member Doug Collins's opening statement was:

OLD RULES NEW RULES BOOOOOWAHWAHRINKYDINKYSTINKY I'M THE CONGRESSMAN FROM DELIVERANCE!

WHERE'S WALDO? WHERE'S THE BILL!

That may not be an exact quote, but it is close.

Even Corey Lewandowski has given some quiet "WTF is this guy" sorta looks as Collins has been speaking.

1:31: Doug Collins is SO MAD, you guys. We are pretty much he just won the Oscar for "Most Hilarious Redneck Carnival Barker Meltdown From A Guy Actual Americans Elected To Congress Because We Guess They Don't Know Any Better, Thoughts 'N' Prayers For The Idiots In THAT District."

1:33: Corey Lewandowski says he will tell the truth, but says it is VERY UNFAIR that this is an impeachment hearing, VERY UNFAIR!

1:36: Corey's entire opening statement is sucking Trump's balls about how his campaign was the "greatest political movement in history" and NO COLLUSION and WITCH HUNT and WHIIIIIIIIIIIINE.

Also HAR HAR, Corey got lots of emails during the campaign, but unlike Hillary Clinton, he didn't delete any HAR HAR HAR go whack off on Fox News, you fucking dork.

1:38: Corey lies and says the Mueller Report found "no conspiracy and no collusion" between Trump campaign and Russia.

INCORRECT.

1:40: Did we mention Corey looks like shit?

GRRR COREY ANGRY, YOU WOULDN'T LIKE HIM WHEN HE'S ANGRY, IT MAKES HIM ASSAULT-Y! ALLEGEDLY!

Questioning begins:

NADLER: Did you meet alone with Donald Trump on X date?

COREY: I don't have copy of Mueller Report, how could I possibly answer that question!

NADLER: Oh Jesus fucking ...

Corey just needs to follow along with the Mueller Report, that's all, so he can know what he did.

So this is part of how Lewandowski is going to stall. What a fucking clown.

1:44: Literally the whole hearing is stalled because Corey will not answer "Did you meet with Donald Trump on X day?"

NADLER: Did Trump give you a statement to give to Jeff Sessions?

COREY: I cannot find it in the report, how could I possibly know! Also I am following White House orders, because I am a private citizen, but I like to obey.

Told you this was going to be clownshow bullshit.

1:46: Corey is literally reading from the White House counsel's letter, as if that is remotely relevant to a PRIVATE CITIZEN'S TESTIMONY.

Doug Collins is now very mad because Jerry Nadler has gone over his time limit, Jerry Nadler says fuck off, holds voice vote to override the rules, the ayes have it, Doug Collins calls voice vote, and yes, we are doing this.

1:51: Oh, and now the Republicans have motioned to adjourn, the "no"s have it, and now Collins has called for another roll call. He is going to do this for the next three hours.

1:55: Hooray, Doug Collins now gets to ask questions, we bet they will be very good and serious questions, just kidding he is bitching and moaning about "ethics" and kissing Corey's ass.

Let's check in with Donald Trump:

And that was the moment Corey Lewandowski broke the Guinness World Record for doing a rimjob on somebody in the Oval Office all the way from Capitol Hill.

1:58: COLLINS: Did yew do collusion?

COREY: Nah.

COLLINS: Did yew watch anybody do collusion?

COREY: Nah.

Hearing finished!

2:01: Sheila Jackson Lee questioning!

JACKSON LEE: It's weird to me that Donald Trump didn't just call Jeff Sessions if he wanted to use him to obstruct justice. Is it because he is just a Pussy Ass Bitch, or is it because he knew maybe what he was doing was illegal? Or is it both? Also did you know that Trump had just tried to get his White House counsel Don McGahn to fire Robert Mueller, and tried to get Sessions to un-recuse himself? Did he tell you that?

COREY: I cannot say things, I have been disallowed. Also now I will yell at you for not letting me answer the questions I refuse to answer. I am a real shithole person.

2:04: Corey Lewandowski won't even read anything Congress put on a fucking screen for him, and he is being so goddamned rude to a sitting congresswoman.

Nadler, just have the Capitol police haul him away and lock him up. Don't fuckin' care where you put him.

Jackson Lee ends by emphatically shouting that we all know what Corey Lewandowski did, WE ALL KNOW, and that Trump only called him after literally nobody else would do his crimes for him.

Corey responded by saying she was doing a "rant."

2:09: 900-year-old maybe senile GOP Rep. Steve Chabot is very upset that they are wasting committee time on a "fake impeachment," when they really should be investigating everybody's well-known bias against Donald Trump, or something. Corey just nodding and agreeing.

2:14: STEVE COHEN: Corey, you are a former cop. Did you think it was weird when Trump asked you to commit crimes?

LEWANDOWSKI: No illegal! No illegal! You are the illegal!

COHEN: "Obviously, you've never been a judge and you never will be one."

Also Steve Cohen called Corey a "secretary," because he writes things down for Donald Trump.

Dems are just going to call Lewandowski names now, because fuckin' why not, we're on TV!

Cohen lists all the times Lewandowski has been fired for fraud and incompetence, and then calls him "some kind of Forrest Gump of corruption," LOLOL CLOWNSHOW.

2:18: COHEN: You got COLD FEET! You were TOO CHICKENSHIT to do crimes for Trump! BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK!

2:19: Oh good, now it is time for Jim Jordan to possibly ignore some college wrestlers getting molested while he asks Corey Lewandowski bullshit questions.

2:22: Jim Jordan and Corey Lewandowski agree that the House Judiciary Committee should spend its time investigating the wet fart fever dreams of Devin Nunes and Sean Hannity as featured nightly on Fox News.

2:23: Rep. Hank Johnson says Corey is like a "fish being cleaned with a spoon!"

Whoa but wait, Corey Lewandowski is ... sort of ... answering questions now? About how Donald Trump dictated a message to him to deliver to Jeff Sessions about getting Sessions to un-recuse from the Mueller investigation. Huh. Maybe whatever drugs Lewandowski was EITHER ON OR NOT ON are wearing off.

JOHNSON: Did you feel SQUEAMISH LIKE A FISH when Trump tried to get you to commit crimes?

COREY: No I went to the beach.

JOHNSON: Are you a SQUEAMISH FISH ON THE BEACH?

2:27: It is weird how fucker does not want to read quotes FROM HIMSELF in the Mueller Report. It's like he doesn't want people to know what is in the Mueller Report.

2:30: Rep. Ken Buck (R-Colorado) is now giving a speech of correct information about Russian meddling in elections, and also incorrect information about how instead of doing something about it, the Obama administration decided to do a FAKE RUSSIA WITCH HUNT to Donald Trump, the man Russia installed in the American presidency.

2:32: BUCK: Do you think Vladimir Putin has a total boner right now for what the Democrats are doing? Aren't they total idiots?

SHEILA JACKSON LEE: Point of order, please tell this man to go fuck himself.

2:35: Reminder. This is what Trump asked Corey Lewandowski to get Jeff Sessions to say:

Ted Deutch going back and forth with Lewandowski, who is swearing up and down that he never thought there was anything weird with what Donald Trump asked him to do. Guess he just doesn't have an issue with "crime" when people on his side do it.

2:41: Hey, remember this pubefart, John Ratcliffe, who was going to be Trump's DNI until he had to withdraw because everybody was LOLing over how he had misrepresented his entire resume?

To be clear, John Ratcliffe is one of the smartest Republicans in the entire House. That's how stupid they are, that this guy is one of the "smarter ones."

2:45: Ratcliffe's entire questioning is whether Trump has ever admitted he did a high crime or a misdemeanor to Corey Lewandowski, and Corey says no, and now that questioning is over. Remember guys, Ratcliffe is one of their SHINING STARS.

2:49: Karen Bass questioning Lewandowski on why he wanted his meeting with Sessions to deliver Trump's message to be off the public logs, hidden from view. Corey L. says it is because they are such good friends and he wanted to be able to eat winner winner chicken dinner with Sessions while he obstructed justice for the president, he, a private citizen, trying to influence the attorney general of the United States of America on behalf of an unelected criminal president.

3:01: OK, we are on a "five-minute break" because Corey has to go poop or whatever.

So while that is happening, let us be clear. Corey Lewandowski needs to be locked up. This is bullshit. Nadler and the Dems need to fucking grow a pair and play hardball. The Republicans are being worse than usual right now, and the Dems should really give them something to scream about.

And that is what we think about that.

3:15: HAKEEM JEFFRIES: Are you the hitman, the bagman, or the lookout?

LEWANDOWSKI: i AM THE GOOD LOOKING VERY GOOD BOY!

Oh yes, Corey, you are so sexxxy, ayup.

Did we mention he looks like shit today?

3:23: Wingnut dipshit Rep. Mike Johnson of Louisiana.

JOHNSON: Is there witch hunt?

COREY: There is witch hunt.

JOHNSON: Is everybody doing the Holocaust to Trump supporters?

COREY: Oh yes.

JOHNSON: Say some more Fox News conspiracy theories about how Donald Trump is the real victim.

COREY: FISA abuse! Help, Trump is being oppressed!

3:25: Oh good, more Jim Jordan.

JORDAN: Know why the Trump campaign didn't get a defensive briefing on Russia from the FBI? BECAUSE THEY WERE DOING A RUSSIAN TRICK TO TRUMP!

3:31: Extended questioning from Dem. Rep. David Cicilline, and what's weird about it is that Corey Lewandowski keeps saying things these congressmen read from the Mueller Report are not accurate! So did he lie to Mueller, or is he lying right now?

Also Cicilline outright said for the record that when Lewandowski took the dictation from Trump of the message Trump wanted Sessions to receive in secret, and then blew it off and handed it to Rick Dearborn, he was actually committing a crime, by helping Trump commit obstruction of justice.

3:35: Oh good, it is time for Eric Swalwell, who just interrupted dumb goat person GOP Rep. Andy Biggs a lot to affirm that Trump is an absolute Russian asset. Swalwell would like Corey to read some of HIS OWN WORDS, and of course Corey will not do that because he thinks he deserves the respect ROBERT MUELLER GOT.

So now they are fighting back and forth about why Corey Lewandowski is ashamed to read his own words. Is it because he knows he is guilty of all the crimes? Or does he have enough of a soul to have consciousness of guilt? Who can say!

3:39: Swalwell stops his questioning for a parliamentary inquiry, asking Nadler for a ruling on Lewandowski's absolute bullshit rationale for refusing to answer questions, based on a privilege that does not exist. Nadler affirms that Lewandowski is obstructing Congress right now.

3:42: DURR DURRR DURRR MATT GAETZ: "DID YOU JUST THREATEN TO IMPEACH COREY LEWANDOWSKI?????"

Finally, David Cicilline asks Nadler to hold Lewandowski in contempt of Congress, and Lewandowski keeps going back to his stupid goddamned letter from the White House that has zero authority here.

LOCK. HIM. UP.

3:45: Paste-eating dumpfucker Tom McClintock: MUELLER SAY NO COLLUSION, HOW CAN YOU DO COVER-UPS TO NO COLLUSION IF THERE WAS NO COLLUSION?

Corey: THAT IS A VERY GOOD QUESTION, MISTER SIR!

3:46: MCCLINTOCK: Who do you think made up the NO COLLUSION lie?

LEWANDOWSKI: Oh I dunno but probably the Deep State and Hillary Clinton and Pizzagate and mayyyyyyybe ... chemtrails?

3:47: By the way, Republicans are VERY obsessed with what they have already decided is in the forthcoming IG report from Michael Horowitz, even though none of them has read that report. They just know, though! And when it comes out and says nothing like they say it says, they will lie, just like they're doing re: the Mueller Report.

Oh Jesus Christ, Corey L. has said "Fusion GPS" and "dossier" and "Bruce Ohr" all in the same 30 seconds, Lewandowski and the Republicans are just shitting back and forth into each other's mouths at this point.

3:49: TED LIEU: You say you didn't read the Mueller Report. That explains a lot. I'll tell you. It found Russia attacked our election and Trump sucked all that up like liquid Big Macs. It found Trump committed multiple counts of criminal obstruction of justice, but did not reach a prosecutorial decision because of a dumbass memo at the DoJ. Oh yes, and you were part of that obstruction, so let's go back to questions about how you and your Orange Shitlord are both criminals!

3:53: Corey Lewandowski thinks maybe it was a joke when Donald Trump said that if Jeff Sessions wouldn't un-recuse himself, he would be fired. HA HA!

Very smart dumb jackhole Rep. Debbie Lesko gets to ask questions now. She is a freshman, which means we are getting CLOSER to the end. (Maybe.) (At least of the questioning from members. We think there are going to be staff questions too.)

Lesko is just giving a speech and listening to herself talk.

3:56: Awww sad, Debbie Lesko is scared for America because of the Dodgy Dossier, maybe she should leave America.

3:57: Also Corey L. has really old hands for a 45-year-old guy.

3:59: Also bad face.

Oh well, being a Trump-sucking sycophant really ages a person, we hear. Rumor has it you look more and more like Trump with each and every passing day. How awful would THAT be?

4:00: Hahahaha, Jamie Raskin would just like to know that, IF Corey Lewandowski were elected the senator from New Hampshire (LOLOL), would he accept this kind of bullshit cover-up crap from the White House ordering private citizens as to what they can and cannot say to Congress?

(Yes, he would, as long as it is from Dear Leader Whine Fucker Trump.)

(Also Corey L. is never going to be the senator from New Hampshire.)

4:06: Oh look, another Republican.

He is Mr. Cline from Virginia and he says NO COLLUSION and DOSSIER and IG REPORT and all kinds of other shit.

He says also YES COLLUSION and HILLARY DID IT and ROBERT MUELLER DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT FUSION GPS IS, and WHY DOESN'T ROBERT MUELLER HUFF SEAN HANNITY'S WET FART HALLUCINATIONS AND REPEAT THOSE THINGS AS FACT and ...

This is going to go until evening. We are not staying much longer, FAIR WARNING.

4:09: BREAKING NEWS, COREY LEWANDOWSKI MAY NOT FOLLOW DONALD TRUMP ON TWITTER, BUT HE PROMISES HE WILL FIX IT IF HE DOESN'T, OMG, HOW COULD HE HAVE DONE THAT, HE IS SO SORRY, MISTER PRESIDENT, PLEASE BEAT HIM UP IN THE FACE FOR INSUBORDINATION AND INSUFFICIENT LOVE!

4:11: Corey Lewandowski rejects your insinuation that he lied to the special counsel, Pramila Jayapal!

Anyway, our internet went out for a few minutes. We are sure we missed some bullshit! We come back hearing Val Demings and Corey Lewandowski fighting!

4:23: Mostly Val Demings just wants to know how Corey Lewandowski would have missed that, as the Mueller Report found, the Trump campaign had 15 million contacts with Russians, considering how he ran it at one point. He does not know.

4:29: ZOE LOFGREN: Oh hey, Corey Lewandowski, did you ever know Paul Manafort was delivering secret Rust Belt polling data on the Trump campaign to the Russians?

He says he has NO IDEA.

The tone of the hearing has changed. Lewandowski is actually acting a bit better, but probably lying a lot. Dems shoulda known that with a yapping dachshund like Lewandowski, they would do a lot better talking to him slowly and quietly, instead of yelling and activating his Little Dog Syndrome.

4:32: LOFGREN: Who do you think we should ask about all this, Corey?

COREY: Um, Paul Manafort is in prison and available for questioning! And um probably Rick Gates.

4:37: MARY GAY SCANLON: Has Donald Trump ever offered YOU a pardon, Corey?

LEWANDOWSKI: I have a letter from my dad that says I'm not allowed to talk about conversations with my dad.

Scanlon also notes that during one of Lewandowski's poop breaks TODAY, he literally tweeted to launch his Senate campaign:

SCANLON: "I've heard enough."

4:47: Rep. Sylvia Garcia lists all the ways Donald Trump and Roger Stone encouraged the Russian hacking, colluded with WikiLeaks and praised WikiLeaks and conspired to use that Russian cut-out to materially influence the election.

Then quotes Corey Lewandowski saying that anybody who materially attempts to impact an election should go to jail for the rest of their lives.

Corey Lewandowski repeats and stands by his statement.

So ... you're saying Donald Trump should go to jail for the rest of his life?

No he doesn't mean that.

But thanks for the campaign commercial, Corey!

4:55: LUCY MCBATH: Once again! The Mueller investigation found MANY people who committed conspiracy to defraud the United States and influence the election. Corey Lewandowski, YOU say that people who conspire to corrupt elections should GO TO JAIL. And I agree with you! Oh boy, we are all glad we all agree with Corey Lewandowski, who just reaffirmed how he feels about people who buttfuck our elections!

(Lucy McBath did not say "buttfuck." Wonkette is so rude.)

4:59: Corey says during the campaign he NEVER talked to Trump about Russia, even though he sat next to Trump for "thousands of hours." He just doesn't recall! Not a conversation about Trump "traveling to Russia" or anything like that. And he can't talk about anything once Trump was president, because the White House counsel, Pat Cipollone, pulled a made-up kind of "privilege" out of his scaly B-hole.

Rep. Greg Stanton is doing a good job here, going down a course of well-organized questions about Corey's knowledge of Russian contacts, porn payoffs to women, and so on and so forth. This is probably a good way to wear down somebody like Corey Lewandowski, because Corey Lewandowski is kind of a dumb-dumb.

5:03: Nadler bebops in to note that the Nixon case established that there is ZERO presidential privilege when it comes to discussion of criminal acts. HE IS JUST SAYING.

SO HOLD HIM IN CONTEMPT, JERRY. LOCK HIM UP.

5:05: Oh now suddenly the "privilege" Pat Cipollone pulled out of his b-hole extends to the Trump transition. Got it.

5:15: We are "on a break" again. While we wait, we are SO GLAD Aaron Rupar from Vox clipped this:

Doug Collins, everyone!

5:28: Collins, because he is a hayseed clown auctioneer from Porksnot, Georgia, calls for a point of order because he is mad that Debbie Mucarsel-Powell accused Donald Trump of committing a crime, which is basically like accusing the sky of being blue. Mucarsel-Powell responds that this is not a reality show, MOTHERFUCKER, but she didn't say the "motherfucker" part, that is Wonkette talkin' shit.

5:32: Doug Collins also wants Mucarsel-Powell's words taken down because she said Trump obstructed justice, which is WHAT THIS WHOLE HEARING IS ABOUT.

It just hurts Doug Collins's heart to hear y'all sayin' Trump committed crimes!

5:39: Nadler is pissed, says he hasn't ruled out that Corey Lewandowski would be held in contempt of Congress, based on his conduct today. That is so great, Jerry, but instead of "not ruling out," JUST FUCKING DO IT. PUT HIM IN A CELL. PUT HIM UNDER MAXINE WATERS'S DESK SO SHE CAN REST HER HIGH HEELS ON HIS HEAD UNTIL HE DECIDES TO ACT RIGHT.

5:44: Wow, very stupid fight from Doug Collins! He does not want the consultant the Dems have hired to do the staff questioning, and he SW'ARS UP 'N' DOWN that we are NAWT in an impeachment in-CHOIR-y! Basically Jerry Nadler is having to call him, and now Jim Jordan, a fucking idiot, right to their faces.

5:54: OK, kids, we are done liveblogging this shit, but we are probably still watching the clownshow, because LOLOLOL Republicans are ridiculous.

We just wish Democrats would ACT like Republicans were as ridiculous as they really are and give 'em something to bitch about.

LOCK HER UP.

The end.

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Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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