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The day has come, dear ones! The government is reopening and we're finally getting a big beautiful wall on the border! Haha just kidding.

Starting right about now, a piece of all of our hearts will start to lift because THE DEMOCRATS ARE RETAKING POWER. That's right, Nancy Pelosi will become speaker of the House again, and the most progressive and diverse Congress in all of United States history will officially be the BOSS OF YOU. While Democrats won't be able to actually do things like make good progressive bills that actually get passed by the shitheel Senate and the shithole president, Trump and the Republicans simultaneously will not be able to do a whole lotta jackshit without Democrats' permission, and also Dems will control all the House committees and start investigating and subpoenaing the fuck out of the Trump administration. This is exactly what the American people came out in record numbers to elect them to do.

And Trump is NEVER. GETTING. HIS. FUCKING. WALL.

Would you like to watch all this happen live while we liveblog and tell you shiny happy things? You shall do that right here!


LIVE: Opening Day of 116th Congress - House of Representatives (C-SPAN) www.youtube.com

First up, Pelosi will be re-elected speaker, at which point she will take the gavel and immediately shove it up errbody's ass. It will be the most American thing you have seen since before the 2016 election, and you will shed bald eagle tears.

After that, new members will be sworn in, and then once the ceremonial shit is over, the Dems plan to immediately pass legislation to re-open the government, just so they can shove Mitch McConnell's and Trump's faces in it and make them smell it. Also Dems in the House will pass a bunch of rules changes, some of which are better than others. Some of them are really, really good, like for instance a change in the rules that says all bills voted on by the new Congress must first have hearings. Fucking crazy, but that was not actually a rule! They will also get rid of a stupid and outdated rule that says no hats on the House floor, because incoming Minnesota Rep. Ilhan Omar, one of the first two Muslim women ever elected to Congress, would like to wear her headscarf, please and thank you. (And if you read Chapo Twitter, you know that there is one rules change that is apparently WORSE THAN THE HOLOCAUST or something.)

And so much more! We will keep you updated as the day progresses! Watch with us! And donate us money by clicking below if you like it when Wonkette liveblogs you!

12:21: While we're waiting for the #action to begin, here is Wonkette's official 2018 Legislative Badass of the year Rep. Pramila Jayapal, who has apparently noticed that she is our Legislative Badass, and her mom is SUPER-EXCITED about it.

Jayapal has been all over the Twitter today, posting pics with the new congresswomen who are making this the most progressive and diverse Congress ever.

Mike Pence just swore in the Senate or whatever, but we don't fuckin' care.

12:26: We must note that we are super pissed that Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio State Wrestling Scandal) is nowhere near as excited that we named him Legislative Shitmuffin of 2018 as Jayapal is to be the badass.

12:30: Oh look, it's AOC, fixin' to have her picture made!

Know who's not being seated today? North Carolina Republican Mark Harris. You know, because of all the fraud and the fact that he probably didn't actually win his race.

12:35: Want something really nice to read about all the new members of Congress? Click here!

12:43: Speaker election starts NOW!

12:45: Rep. Hakeem Jeffries rises to nominate Nancy Pelosi, lists all her accomplishments, and explains all the way she plans to kick ass in the future. Everybody is clapping a whole lot!

Hahahahahaha, Hakeem Jeffries just said House Democrats are "down with NDP," by which he meant Nancy D'Alesandro Pelosi. That is a very funny 1990s hip-hop pun!

12:49: Blah blah blah, Liz Cheney nominating Kevin McCarthy for speaker, yeah OK, let's get through with the ceremonial shit please.

12:57: BREAKING! Tim Ryan and Seth Moulton did not nominate "themselves" to be speaker. Now everybody is voting! Will it be Pelosi or will all the new people fuck it all up and vote for McCarthy because they don't know how to vote good yet? NAILBITER.

1:10: While we wait for Pelosi to ALL I DO IS WIN, would you just look at the fabulous realness Kyrsten Sinema brought to her Senate swearing in?

1:18: STILL VOTING. We should note that a few Republicans like crazy-asses Paul Gosar and Jody Hice are not voting for McCarthy, but rather for Jim Jordan, just to be insane dicks.

1:25: Conor Lamb voted for Joe Kennedy, we think? Anyway, he voted for #NotPelosi because blah blah blah who the fuck cares.

1:29: Seth Moulton votes for Pelosi because THAT'S RIGHT SHE'S YOUR REAL DAD, SETH MOULTON.

Soon after, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Ilhan Omar cast enthusiastic votes for Pelosi, also too. There was some kind of funny reaction to AOC's vote, but we missed it because we were typing at you.

1:32: OH SHIT NANCY PELOSI JUST ACCIDENTALLY VOTED FOR JIM JORDAN, just kidding no she didn't.

She voted for herself while this child, who we guess is her grandchild, jumped up and down and shouted for her, which is why you can't see her very clearly in the screengrab, because she is JUMPING SO FAST.

Kathleen Rice, Democrat of New York, who is a total fucking dick, just voted for Stacey Abrams, whom we like very much but who is NOT a productive vote for right now.

1:36: Tim Ryan just voted for Nancy Pelosi too, WOMP WOMP.

She can have her gavel now, please?

1:38: Oh no Eric Swalwell stole a baby, just kidding it's probably his baby.

1:48: Having just passed the 218-vote threshold, NDP, AKA Nancy D'Alesandro Pelosi, is officially the ONCE AND FUTURE SPEAKER OF YOUR FACE! When Maxine Waters voted for her, she said, "Reclaiming my time!" because yeah she did. The deciding vote was cast by Rep. Frederica Wilson of Florida, the one former shithole chief of staff John Kelly told lies about and lost his dignity forever.

To celebrate what just happened, you should probably go ahead and get your Nancy Pelosi badass RIDE OR DIE t-shirt, which you can also get on coffee mugs and tote bags and ... dick koozies? Yes probably dick koozies.



1:52: C-SPAN just noted that people who vote "present" actually reduce the number the winner has to get to receive a simple majority, so 218 wasn't actually the number Pelosi needed after all, but the C-SPAN person said they think the number ended up being 214. So Pelosi sailed past it, basically.

1:54: What does Tim Ryan look like right after he votes for Nancy Pelosi after spending months trying to do a revolution against her? He looks like this.

2:04: FINAL TALLY IS PELOSI WINS 220 OUT OF 430 VOTES CAST!

And we already got the best screengrab of that moment ever.

2:22: Gavel time is coming soon, don't worry. First we have to get through the part where Kevin McCarthy tries to say nice things about Nancy Pelosi.

2:29: COMMENCE ASS-BEATING, THE GAVEL HAS LANDED.

2:39: Pelosi, addressing Congress, pledges that she'll support good ideas no matter where they come from. AND IN THAT SPIRIT, she notes that they'll be advancing the appropriations bill to re-open the government that Senate Republicans passed weeks ago. In her next sentence, you could almost hear her stifling a chuckle.

2:49: Awwwwww, Pelosi invites all her grandkids, as well as any other kids in the chamber, to come up and join her as she takes the oath of office.

And with that she is MADAME SPEAKER.

2:53: Members being sworn in, including Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:

3:06: And with that, this liveblog is OVER unless you just want us to liveblog C-SPAN, in which case you need to hit that donation button below a lot harder. (You should hit it anyway, TIP YOUR BARTENDER, etc., goodbye!)

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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One of the most common things to say in America, just behind "Happy Birthday" and "NO COLLUSION," is "Mitch McConnell should go fuck himself." It works for all occasions, whether you have just stubbed your toe or whether you are in the middle of your wedding to your sweetheart. Try it!

But why should Mitch McConnell go fuck himself at this particular moment? Let's look at the top three current reasons!

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Sucks to be you, Pat Shanahan! The acting Defense secretary is currently under investigation for preferential treatment of his former bosses at Boeing, who just got busted letting planes fall out of the sky if buyers skimped on the upgrades. Shanahan was never a favorite of Trump's, and now his chances of getting made Big Boy For Real Sec Def are decreasing by the day. Which means that he's going through all this shit for nothing! Womp womp!

What shit, you ask? Well! Last night Shanahan announced the first tranche of the "found" money the DoD is shifting over to fund WALL in defiance of Congress's constitutional spending powers. The Defense Department will be transferring the cash from accounts meant to support military personnel into "anti-drug funding," which they've decided means they can use it to build "18-foot-high pedestrian fencing, constructing and improving roads, and installing lighting within the Yuma and El Paso Sectors of the border." Already pissed off about the fake EMERGY declaration, although not pissed enough to override a veto, congresspeople on both sides of the aisle are hopping mad that the Trump administration dicked them around for months, shut down the government, forced them to negotiate for wall funding in good faith, and then said HA HA SUCKERS, WE'RE JUST GOING TO STEAL IT FROM THE RAINY DAY FUND ANYWAY!

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