Tonight's the night nobody has been waiting for, besides Donald Trump! Nancy Pelosi is a woman of her word, so she allowed Trump back in the House of Representatives to do his State of the Union now that the government is open again. But he's not the only one talking! First, which already happened, Democratic candidate Kamala Harris did a pre-buttal (see below!), and then after Trump speaks, Stacey Abrams will do the official Democratic response, California Attorney General Xavier Becerra will do the Spanish language Democratic response, and then Bernie Sanders will do the response to the response to the response to the response to the response to the response.
After that, we assume Elizabeth Warren will drink a beer in her kitchen and do a response, and Sarah Palin will pipe in from up there in Alaska for a response (why the fuck not) and the governor of Virginia probably would like to do the moonwalking response, but the answer, Ralph Northam, is not just no, but fuck no.
Anyway, tonight is historic for a major reason, which Rachel Maddow just pointed out on MSNBC -- it's the first time in American history where every person the president knows is either in prison, definitely heading there soon, or probably heading there soon!
Also, Trump is weak as fuck. He's lost on WALL, which is the only thing his little stupid heart ever wanted, and nobody will give it to him. Will he declare NATIONAL EMERGY tonight to get it? And will that shit fly, even with a Republican Senate? Probably not!
The point is that this is a gigantic fucking waste of our life right now, and it is all lies, and we guess we'll liveblog it for you, because it's not like we have anything better to do, OH WAIT, JUST KIDDING, ACTUALLY WE HAVE A LIFE AND COULD BE DOING A THOUSAND OTHER THINGS.
But just one sec: Is Wonkette dot com the only place you want to be if you have to see that loser's face? Are you not already giving us money? Then please if you are AT ALL able, pound the widget with your normal-human-sized hands, well look at that, it is right here!
Thank you, as a reward you get Kamala Harris!
That was nice! Now fuck that motherfucker loser president, LET'S DO THIS.
Watch live: President Trump's State of the Union and Stacey Abrams's Democratic responsewww.youtube.com
8:53: Good evening! We will make updates when we want to! You will wait for them, as you have been trained to do.
8:56: Um, OK, we don't know how to say this, but there is STRANGER DANGER in the House of Representatives.
Everyone take the proper precautions, please.
8:58: House women are wearing white tonight, because suffragettes:
Oh look, it is some of Trump's cabinet. Remember what we said about about prison?
Acting Attorney General MEATBALL is there, because THAT'S RIGHT, WHO'S A GOOD MEATBALL?
And Melania is there, because whatever.
9:05: Oh yeah, we said this was a PELOSI LIVEBLOG. President Stinker Paws has entered the chamber and has greeted everybody with his little tiny stinker paws:
And Pelosi managed to greet his arrival with a more genuine smile on her face than Mike Pence did. This is because Mike Pence is a two-faced creep-ass automaton, and Nancy Pelosi is a grown-up who knows how to make nice for the camera.
And there's that dipshit, pretending to be president, at the podium. Surprise, he's already slurring!
And finally, now that the lies have begun, Nancy Pelosi appears to be settling into a good book. Ooh, maybe she is reading Michelle Obama's book finally! Or maybe she is re-reading Hillary Clinton's What Happened, to subtly remind everybody What Happened.
9:11: Trump is introducing his guests. He got super excited when he said the last person's name, because it sounded like a tricky one, and he GOT IT!
Anyway, they have not introduced the child who gets bullied for having the name "Trump," whose parents have made the very poor parenting decision to subject their child to MANY MORE bullying, by going to the State of the Union as the special guest of the Whiner-In-Chief.
Buzz Aldrin is there! And this reminds Trump of how Space Force is awesome, because ...
Anyway, here is a picture of Elizabeth Warren clapping at Buzz Aldrin:
9:15: Trump is talking SO SLOWLY, oh my god we are going to be here until next week. And so far, he hasn't even lied! (We don't think.) And you know why? Because he's said NOTHING.
9:17: Oh good the lies have begun. He says he's been solving problems. (Wrong.) He says he's created a hundred gabillion new manufacturing jobs. (Wrong.)
Here is Mazie Hirono, bored:
9:21: Trump now bragging about a bunch of his "accomplishments," like hurting Obamacare and making it more 'spensive for regular folks, by killing the individual mandate.
Here are a few tweets about Trump's record, which have the benefit of being true, because we are already bored with his lies.
Unemployment hit a 49-year low in September, but it's now up to an 18-year-low. It was lower than 4.0 in 2000, duri… https://t.co/8dYPr5Wavk— Daniel Dale (@Daniel Dale) 1549419561.0
Oh yeah, and that black unemployment thing Trump loves to talk about, to distract from his grotesque pig racism? Trump didn't build that.
9:24: Trump: "THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS YOOGE."
House Democratic women:
Trump says the only thing that can stop our economic miracle ("miracle") is endless wars and RUSSIA INVESTIGATIONS, which are unfair and partisan because NO RUSSIA, NO RUSSIA, YOU ARE THE RUSSIA.
It's weird, if "ridiculous partisan investigations" were such a problem, maybe somebody should have told Trey Gowdy to stop investigating Benghazi and Hillary's emails for the 50,000th fucking useless time.
Anyway, current Pelosi mood:
9:27: Oh hey, everybody, Trump is talking about his accomplishments in criminal justice reform, which means he gets to talk about the one time he was nice to a black woman!
Her name is Alice Johnson, and she is the one sitting next to Jared Kushner, who is not sitting like a person.
9:32: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Trump talks about the two nice things he did in criminal justice reform, and uses THAT to pivot to WALL!
WALL! WALL! WALL! WALL! WALL!
The best part is that when Trump says "scary coyotes" or "big caravan," Republicans in the room are making ooga-booga noises, like they've been rehearsing ALL DAY to make the sound effects while President FuckWhiny is telling his stories.
9:36: Rashida Tlaib like "wut"?
Trump his now telling his terrifying stories about human trafficking, most of which he may have seen on TV, possibly to cover up the actual child trafficking the Trump administration might already be doing, or gettin' ready to do, the second we stop paying attention. (Hint: the operable term here is Evangelical Child Trafficking. Learn it.)
9:41: Trump now blood libeling illegal immigrants with his lies about how they are the most violent criminals of all, and he's got his prop families on hand, the ones who apparently are OK with Trump using their deaths to promote his evil fascist white supremacist regime. (Those don't sound like very good families to us.)
Anyway, as usual, we must point out that illegal immigrants commit far less crime than people who have been American since they were born.
9:44: WALL. WALL. WALL. WALL. WALL. WALL. WALL. WALL. WALL. WALL. LEMME TELL YOU 'BOUT WALL. WALL IS BIGGER THAN WHEEL. WHEEL IS OLDER THAN WALL. SAN DIEGO HAVE WALL. EL PASO HAVE WALL.
Kamala Harris is just taking it all in.
Hey, guess who didn't just declare a national emergency, because he doesn't have the balls or the support of his own party? President SadPants up there.
9:49: YOU GUYS MISSED IT. Trump was bragging about how more women are working than ever, and it's the 100 year anniversary of women getting the right to vote, etc., and ALL THE LADIES IN WHITE IN THE CONGRESS started high-fiving each other like "YEAH IT'S OUR BIRTHDAY," and the joke is that all those women just kicked Donald Trump's ass! Because they're all Democrats!
We have to give Trump credit for being a good sport here. If House Democrats were going to cause a disruption, they just did in the most classy and charming way possible.
But again, Trump trying to go along with the joke, as if it's not about him? LOLOL OK.
Anyway, here's a picture of the Trump creeps again, to ruin the nice moment:
Now Trump is yammering about his old man senile beliefs about trade and tariffs, so the most fun part of the night is over.
9:53: Oh look, Wilbur Ross gnawing on his fist, in case you need something to fap to.
9:56: Quick everybody, it's time for a surprise game of Fuck/Marry/Kill! Will Meatball lose his virginity? Are you all just gonna marry the guy in the bottom right, because he's not Meatball or Mitch McConnell?
9:58: Trump is going to cure AIDS and cancer and ZZZZZZZ these fucking speeches are always unbearably long, but it's so much worse when it's Emperor Words Bad.
10:00: Trump is talking about a sweet little girl named Grace who was treated for brain cancer at St. Jude Children's Hospital in Memphis. The president of the United States is doing a SUPER impression of a person who is a normal human being with feelings, who is nice to children who have cancer.
10:02: Wait, hold on, did Trump just support family medical leave, and then pivot to ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LIES FROM HELL about late-term abortion, which is not even a medical term? Did he actually refer to what families who experience that have to go through, when they are faced with the absolute worst pain you can imagine, like for instance babies who will only live for 10 minutes outside the womb, as "executing a baby"? Yeah, he did. And all because deplorable religious right fuckstains refuse to learn or be honest about the meaning of the words "nonviable pregnancy." (It means NOT A VIABLE pregnancy.)
Fuck that motherfucking piece of shit.
TRUMP takes a shot at Ralph Northam, says he's "asking Congress to pass legislation to prohibit the late-term abort… https://t.co/8sdP7Md13R— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1549422318.0
10:08: Trump bragged about pulling out of the INF nuclear treaty with Russia, to ... very muted applause! Even his cabinet seemed kinda like "Um, we have to clap for this, right? Is one of the clappy times? Ok, clappy clappy and stuff."
More muted applause for Trump announcing that he's going to have a new sexxx meeting with Kim Jong-un. The Republicans are not excited about this shit, and you know what the Democrats think about it.
10:10: Somebody's rehearsing the lines of the 50th extra rebuttal of the night in his head right now!
10:14: Pelosi Cam says let's wrap this shit up, old man, your time is about to expire.
He's bragging about all the very serious plans he's definitely making to end US involvement in Syria and Afghanistan. You know, after he put troops in danger by announcing it on Twitter without telling anybody.
10:16: Wanna see a funny preview of what it's going to look like after Kamala Harris wins the Democratic nomination and is on the debate stage with Trump?
10:21: This is for sure a first, as the Chamber sings happy birthday to an 81-year-old man who survived both the Holocaust and the Pittsburgh Synagogue Shooting. And shouted "It's the Americans!" when he was liberated. So Trump can't be anti-Semitic, in case you were wondering.
10:24: Trump's tribute to these Holocaust survivors was very nice, and this means he cannot be anti-Semitic.
ANYWAY, something something Holocaust, something something THERE'S ANOTHER CARAVAN FUNDED BY GEORGE SOROS!
10:28: We think Trump is coming in for the close, because he is sayin' PURTY WORDS he obviously did not write. Actually, we think Billy Joel wrote them, but we are not sure?
Billy Joel - The Time To Remember Lyricswww.youtube.com
10:30: Well damn, it's over. And Nancy Pelosi is still bored.
Man, Stacey Abrams, we love you, but let's make this fast.
10:37: Chuck Schumer appreciates the good work Donald Trump did warming up the crowd.
I want to thank President @realDonaldTrump for being the warm up act. Now we have the real show: The great Stacey… https://t.co/dnJ5d3bC3c— Chuck Schumer (@Chuck Schumer) 1549424127.0
10:40: Oh hey, here is Stacey Abrams! You will be glad to know she did not decide to do her response in Bobby Jindal's Hell House, but rather in front of these nice people.
10:42: ABRAMS: Together we are coming for America. (To fix it!)
Now she's calling bullshit on the Trump shutdown, because it was bullshit.
10:44: OK, this is better than any response we've ever seen, hands down. We don't even want to cry or punch ourselves in the face a little bit!
10:45: More zings at Trump, as Abrams references farmers "caught in a trade war." (TRUMP'S TRADE WAR.) And then:
"Compassionate treatment at the border is not the same as 'open borders'. President Reagan understood this!"
10:47: Oh hell yes, here's your picture of the president of the United States clapping for Donald Trump at the end.
10:49: You know, if Stacey Abrams wanted to go ahead and run for president, we'd be OK with that. Or maybe she can be Kamala's running mate or something? WE DON'T KNOW, JUST HAVING IDEAS OVER HERE.
And it is done! And we are done! And if you love it when Wonkette works hard for you, click those buttons below and tip your bartenders, because Wonkette only runs on your donations. (For real!) Oh yeah, and also go back and read all the other great stories Wonkette wrote today, starting with the thing that took us ONE MILLION HOURS, as we read through BuzzFeed's documents on the Trump Tower Moscow deal. It is a very good piece, if we say so ourselves (and we do).
OK goodbye now!
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