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Sarah Huckabee Sanders, spawn of Mike Huckabee, has been all over the TV since Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, saying REALLY STUPID LIES about how the Trump Russia investigation is SO OVER, and how she doesn't even understand why Democrats are so mad bro, because weren't Democrats hating him like five seconds ago? By our count, Sanders has memorized at least THREE LIES about the Comey firing, but not more than FIVE.

So let's watch her do the White House press briefing together! She is doing the briefing today, because Sean Spicer is busy washing his grundle or something. According to our secret knowledge of Huckabee family traditions, if she can lie three thousand times before it's over, she gets second helpings of Mama's squirrel chili next time she goes home to visit. If she doesn't, then she's shit out of luck.

Here is Wonkette's coverage of the #ComeyFiring so far!

Read those if you haven't! AND NOW WE LIVE-BLOG.

1:39: OH HEY SURPRISE SHE IS LATE. Guess they are "backstage" writing some new lies, since literally nobody in the entire world believes Trump fired Comey because he treated Hillary Clinton unprofessionally LOLOLOLOL SHUT UP.

1:41: While we are waiting for this idiot to come out and perform Trump's lies for us, everybody say in the comments what you are eating for lunch! We are going to have "Taiwanese chicken" we made last night, AS SOON AS THIS LAME HUMAN BEING COMES OUT AND DOES HER LIES, God, we are hungry.

1:45: Fifteen minutes we have been waiting for the "Stranger Things" upside-down world version of C.J. Cregg. Fifteen minutes we will never get back.

1:48: Hey you guys, remember that time Sarah Huckabee Sanders's brother killed that dog?

Anyway, it is finally starting! Sean Spicer is away doing Naval Reserve stuff, and not washing his grundle as we earlier reported. Wonkette regrets our mistake.

1:51: Unless he is washing his grundle at Navy, in which case we were correct. We are just killing time until she answers reporters' YELLY QUESTIONS.

1:52: Sanders says Trump and the DOJ and "bipartisan members of Congress" have all lost confidence in Comey, and also that the "rank-and-file" of the FBI also lost confidence. This is lie #1.

1:54: It is Sarah Huckabee Sanders's daughter's birthday! Please be nice to her, FOR HER DAUGHTER'S SAKE! Happy birthday, Scarlet Huckabee Sanders, from yr Wonkette! Once you are older, you will be reading this website probably.

1:55: Why did Sean Spicer say LAST WEEK that the president has "full confidence" in Comey?

Sanders: Oh nothing, he was probably just lying like a common Sean Spicer. Also, Hillary Hillary Hillary, the Trump White House is very concerned about Hillary's well-being, therefore Trump did this FOR HER.

1:57: Wait, when did Donald Trump "lose confidence" in James Comey?

Sanders: All the time, whenever he wants! Let me say my lie about how Democrats should be dancing nekkid in the streets about this, because this was what Democrats always wanted, right? Why aren't they happy when Trump does it? UNFAIR!

1:59: Donald Trump wants to kill the Russia investigation, so why is he meeting with literally every Russian in the world today? Trump doesn't want to be called "Nixonian," so why is he doing Pussgrab 'n' Chill with Henry Kissinger today?

Sanders: Words that don't mean anything, just words.

2:01: Tell us about the times Comey supposedly told Trump that he was not under investigation!

Sanders: NOPE.

2:02: Is this some horseshit about leaks?

Sanders: Mayyyyyyybe.

Any more firings coming?

Sanders: Not today probably, because IT IS MY DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY AND YOU SAID YOU WOULD BE NICE.

2:03: Sarah Huckabee Sanders yet again asserts that there is "no evidence" of collusion between Trump and Russia, which is, by our count, her 457th lie today. She's doing bigly!

2:04: She is VERY MAD that all these reporters keep asking the same questions! Why will they not accept the lies she has been approved to tell????

Next question: Why did Trump fire Comey in such a shitty way, by having his longtime hired goon deliver the letter to the FBI while Comey was ON A TRIP IN CALIFORNIA?

Sanders: Big lie about how Trump "followed protocol."

2:07: Scarlet Huckabee Sanders should not watch her mom right now, because little girls having 5th birthdays should not be exposed to such lying.

2:08: Why is HuckaSanders saying this lie about how nobody at the FBI loves Comey, since we have many buckets of tears of FBI agents who are VERY UPSET ABOUT THIS?

HuckaSanders: Oh, we didn't talk to them. We talked to different ones. (They probably talked to the rogue FBI joint in New York City, the one that's permanently affixed to Rudy Giuliani's dick. ALLEGEDLY.)

2:11: HuckaSarah is still SO MAD AND CONFUSED about why Democrats won't be sweet right now, considering how they used to be like GRRR ARGH at Comey?

We'll say it again, Trump assholes: Donald Trump And His Minions Must Think We’re REAL Fucking Stupid. FOR THE RECORD, WE ARE NOT.

2:13: Sanders does keep her composure and her smiley-ness quite well, WHILE SHE IS LYING. Perhaps Trump keeps sticking her up there in Spicer's place because he's auditioning her for Spicer's job. WHOA IF TRUE.

2:15: Hey Sarah, do you remember all those times really recently Donald Trump said he had "full confidence" in James Comey? Should we just assume the president is a fucking liar?

Sanders: I will distract you by answering a different question, LIKE MAGIC!

2:17Sanders says the FBI does other stuff besides investigating Trump Russia stuff, despite what the lamestream press and the lamestream American people might think, therefore it's totally OK for Attorney General Jeff Sessions to be part of picking the next FBI director, even though Sessions is literally drowning in Russian dressing. We'll take that into account!

2:18: WHOA AND SHE JUST GHOSTED.

Well well well, what did we learn in this press briefing?

  1. Sarah Huckabee Sanders lies a lot.
  2. Donald Trump lies a lot.
  3. It is Scarlet Huckabee Sanders's 5th birthday, and we wish her a good one!
  4. The White House really does think you're fucking stupid.
  5. We miss Sean Spicer, because at least he would have gotten into a slapfight with somebody.

Thanks for joining us for this riveting American White House press briefing! Please tip your bartenders, by clicking below, to give us moneys!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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