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I am a deeply stupid man.


Did you all hear the yooooge news, that Donald Trump is going to make an official announcement at 11 a.m. Friday of the name of the poor soul who will go down in flames with him in November as his running mate? It's true and so 'sciting! And the internet got even more So 'Scited on Thursday, when the New York Times and other sources said SPOILER ALERT AND TRIGGER WARNING, it is going to be idiot dummy dickbeast Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, who is very stupid and terrible.

Is it actually going to be Mike Pence? Yes! Unless the answer is no and Trump is just misdirecting the nation's attention so we can be doubleplus shocked when he picks a human hybrid of his hot daughter Ivanka and Omarosa from TV's "The Apprentice." (This is what the Wonkette Editrix thinks, again, because she is pretty much a conspiracy theorist for real.)

If it IS Mike Pence, we can already report that Barry O'Bamzalot, the American president, is thrilled with Trump's choice:

LOL-lerskates, it is funny because expanding Medicaid helps the poors, and that is like the eighth deadly sin for Republicans!

Anyway, maybe it is not Mike Pence -- a bunch of Republicans already HATE the idea! But assuming that it is, let's reintroduce ourselves to him for the first time, and find out what a bag of stale Snausages and limp ferret dicks he really is in real life:

He is a paste-eating bigot on gay issues, by which we mean he hates gays and is also a very stupid man.

Does everyone remember in the olden timey days of 2015, when bullshit Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) laws became all the rage, because of the coming gay marriage throatcramming? It was very necessary because Jesus-loving cake bakers and pizza makers (like these Indiana ones!) were being LITERALLY HOLOCAUSTED by the homosexuals, who to this day demand Christians give them pizza and cake whenever their gay asses want it.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/581202/indiana-gov-mike-pence-i-proudly-signed-some-anti-gay-sht-i-dont-understand"></a>[/wonkbar]Well! Mike Pence was at the forefront of the movement to rip the pizza and cake outta those homos' mouths, signing an insane RFRA bill that he admitted he didn't even fucking understand. Seriously, it was evident in his defense of the law to ABC's George Snuffleupagus that he had NO GOSHDAMN IDEA what the law would do, aside from vague notions like "protecting religious freedom" or whatever. (That would be the freedom of wingnut Christians to discriminate against people they think are icky, like gays.)

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/581064/corporations-and-celebrities-agree-anti-gay-indiana-can-get-bent"></a>[/wonkbar]Of course, that made everybody make fun of Pence, and it also incited an intergalactic backlash against his flyover state, and corporations threatened to pull out of Indiana prematurely, depriving the state -- and other states trying the same shit -- of sweet, sweet taxpayer moneys.

Why did he sign the law anyway? Oh, just because he hangs out with some of the most unsavory, undesirable right-wing Christians in the entire nation. (And also 'cuz he dumb.)

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/581715/arkansas-and-indiana-suck-up-to-big-gay-with-fixed-religious-freedom-bills"></a>[/wonkbar]In the end, his law wasn't going to fly, so his legislature -- and also too Arkansas's legislature, which went through this the same week -- passed "fixed" versions of the RFRA laws that guaranteed they wouldn't discriminate.

But Mike Pence, who is dumb, still hates the gays pretty good, and has been trying to come up with ways to discriminate against them ever since.

He is a misogynistic pork snorkel from the pits of hell, by which we mean he's not a fan of letting ladies make their own bodily decisions.

Once upon a time (this year, in March) Mike Pence signed a wild and crazy new anti-abortion bill that banned all the racist, sexist mommies from aborting their babies in the sex-selective or race-selective way. He acted like it was an anti-discrimination bill! The bill did other stuff, also too, which we wrote about a couple weeks back when a mean federal judge struck it down for the filth it is:

Among other gross things, it requires counseling on “perinatal hospice care” for those who are considering abortions due to lethal fetal abnormalities (like when the kid is going to be born with a brain outside its skull and will only live for 20 minutes of excruciating pain); bans abortions based on sex, race or genetic abnormalities like Down’s Syndrome or Tay-Sachs; requires someone seeking an abortion to watch an ultrasound and listen to a fetal heartbeat 18 hours before obtaining an abortion; and makes it a Level 5 felony to donate fetal tissue or accept donations of fetal tissue.

The fact is, this law would absolutely violate the privacy and doctor-patient privilege of those seeking abortions, by requiring doctors to inform on patients the government believes are getting abortions for the wrong reasons.

Thanks, Wonkette, for that helpful summary!

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/603646/mean-federal-judge-says-indianas-bad-abortion-law-is-bad-and-it-should-feel-bad"></a>[/wonkbar]But you might be thinking, "Maybe he is just dumb and only did a bad lady-hating thing that one time." PFFFFFFT U R DUMB. Mike Pence hates Planned Parenthood. In fact, according to a press release from Planned Parenthood itself, his "crusade" against the organization went so far as to shut down one of its clinics in Scott County, Indiana, "a rural county in the midst of an HIV epidemic, leaving no other access to [HIV] testing and counseling." What a good idea that surely was, and very fiscally responsible!

No for real, when he was in Congress, he said this about defunding Planned Parenthood and stuff:

“To those who say we should focus on fiscal issues, instead of the right to life, I say, ‘What is more fiscally responsible than rolling back this administration’s effort to expand funding for abortion at home and abroad?’ What is more fiscally responsible than denying any and all funding to Planned Parenthood of America?”

Dick.

He is a total cocksnort toward Syrian refugees

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just like every other dumbass bigoted Republican governor in US America (except Utah!!), but it's worth pointing out.

He hates the poors too, quelle surprise.

What good is a Republican governor if he doesn't hate the poors REAL good? Now sure, the White House DID troll him for accepting Medicaid expansion money, but don't worry, he has done other stuff to fuck poors right in their arses. Like yanking away their food stamps if they don't have jobs -- jobs that may or may not exist in the great state of Indiana, but DETAILS!

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/567008/indiana-governor-to-poors-eat-this"></a>[/wonkbar]Or that one time he yanked $3.5 million from Indiana's Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program, so he could give it to a fake-ass "crisis pregnancy center." You know, those clinics that don't actually provide healthcare for women, but try to guilt them out of having abortions with false information and propaganda? Ooh, ooh! This story could have gone under the abortion heading OR the fuck the poors heading. Mike Pence knows how to multi-task with his ignorant fuck-waffle-ry!

What else? Surely Mike Pence is dumb at other things too!

Um, obviously. Buzzfeed found some hilarious op-eds Pence wrote back in the day, on topics ranging from "smoking actually doesn't kill" to "George Washington was a Republican." Dipshit say what? Don't miss his brilliant article about why people loved the movie Titanic so much because that boat banging into that iceberg was a deep metaphor that somehow correlated to Americans newfound love of gayness and abortion. Yeeeeeah.

In summary and in conclusion ...

Fuck Mike Pence. And also congratulations to Mike Pence, if he is Donald Trump's running mate! That is the highest achievement he will ever have in life, after which point he will just have to go back to his normal life, of being a dumpster fire of dumbfuck.

The end.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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