Let's Make Sex To Ronald Reagan's Ghost With The GOP Candidates! Your Debate Preview.
Hey, that's Donald Trump's line!
It's time again! It's been over a month since the last time the Republican candidates met up to cry in unison about how they're all losing to Donald Trump, because they all suck. Donald Trump sucks too, but he's the only candidate who seems have the pompous, consistent joie de idiot to keep the attention of stupid Republican primary voters.
You have questions, we have answers.
What's this about making mouth-sex to Ronald Reagan's ghost?
Oh, the debate is at the Reagan library, that's all. Candidates are free to decide exactly what kind of sex they want to make to Reagan's ghost, as long as it is heterosexual sex.
Which assholes get to be on the real debate again?
All the same ones as last time, and introducing Carly Fiorina, as "Endora," because she got lady affirmative-actioned into the debate, for feminism reasons. Here are their names, in case they are all new to you. We have helpfully also included a Wonkette link of the last time we called each of them A Idiot. This will hopefully just give you, Gentle Reader, a quick snapshot of where each candidate is at, heading into the debate:
- Donald Trump: Christian Taliban To Crucify Donald Trump For His Sins
- Jeb! Bush: ¡Atención, Hispanos! Jeb Loves Latino Stuff, Like His Wife. Vota El Jeb!
- Scott Walker: Scott Walker Revives Campaign With Promise To Bring Back Sweatshops
- Ben Carson: Donald Trump And Ben Carson Having A Good Old-Fashioned God Fight
- Ted Cruz: Help Us Name The World's First Ted Cruz Hardcore Gay Porn Flick, Starring Ted Cruz!
- Marco Rubio: Vote For Marco Rubio, Or The Kitten Gets It. (That post was from Aug. 12. That's how seldom Marco Rubio does anything newsworthy.)
- Mike Huckabee: Mike Huckabee Is An Evil, Soulless Sack Of Fermented Rat Jizz, Syrian Refugee Edition
- Rand Paul: Rand Paul: It's 'American' To Be Rude Law-Breaker, As Long As You're White
- John Kasich: John Kasich Likes Planet Earth OK, Not Ready For Serious Commitment
- Chris Christie: Chris Christie Not Dead Yet, Says Chris Christie
- AND THEN THERE'S CARLY! Please hum the Pull-Ups "I'm A Big Girl Now!" song to your cat while you read Carly Fiorina Did GREAT Job With Hewlett-Packard. Too Bad It Was In Iran.
There you have it. Eleven people who suck. Together at last.
And which losers are losering it up at the kids' table this time?
Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, Lindsey Graham and George Pataki. Jim Gilmore (Who?) is not really running, so therefore, he was not really invited. Rick Perry would have been there, but he had a prior commitment to lose the primary entirely. Don't be sad. His campaign is living on a farm right now, running, jumping, barking and shitting with all the other puppies. He's in a happier place. Shhhh.
Why aren't you posting recent Wonkette stories about the loser kids' table people?
Because fuck them.
Are there rules the candidates have to follow?
Uh, yeah. Scott Walker is required to try to refrain from doing this:
Jeb Bush is required to try to stay awake this time, and Ted Cruz has promised he won't embarrass himself in his quest to be Trump's vice president by commencing fellatio on The Donald during the debate.
You're such a gas, Wonkette!
But for real, are there rules?
Yeah, CNN released a helpful video. It says no cussing and all the candidates get a glass of water. Have fun with that, Marco Rubio, haw haw haw, #thatwaterthingwassodumb. Also it says that if one of the loser lamebrains at the sad kids' table debate says something "particularly sharp or interesting" (stupid, they mean if one of them says something REAL stupid), they might show it to the big kids during the big debate so everybody can laugh at it on the big screen.
When is the debate on?
The fuck with your questions, are you not signed on to AOL right now? Why don't you just open a new tab and go to CNN's website, and maybe they'll tell you the Loser Baby Wah Wah debate is on at 6 PM ET, and the Top Ten Losers, And Also Carly! debate is on at 8 PM ET. Oh look, we just did work for you. AGAIN.
Will there be liveblogging?
The fuck with your questions AGAIN. Of COURSE we are liveblogging. You just show up at the appointed time. We will see you then, and you will laugh, and America will be made new.
See you tonight!