Let's Order Chinese Food And Watch Donald Trump's Brain Essplode

Donald J. Trump does not like losing. He's not losing yet, but his stranglehold on American wingnuts is faltering, and he knows it. And Trump definitely doesn't have the temperament for losing, as we can see in his literally insane performance Thursday night at a campaign rally in Iowa. Since Trump's frontrunner status isn't set in stone like it once was (because noted pyramid expert Ben Carson is nipping at his heels), he's going a little, um, how shall we say ... let's just say his brain is ESSPLODING, and if he doesn't stop it, he's going to end up with a broken brain, just like Carson.

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We already told you part of what happened at the rally, as Trump mime-yelled the probably made-up stabby stabby fight Carson had when he was a baby or whatever. Trump, of course, shouted many things about how Carson has "pathological disease," just like child molesters, and you can't cure that, except by cutting off their balls or killing them. (He said that about child molesters, not Carson. We don't think Trump wants to snip Carson's giggleberries. But maybe he does, you don't know.)

But other things happened during the rally too! So we figured we'd post the WHOLE FOUR HOUR THING FOR you, and we can spend the afternoon liveblogging it! Haha, just fooling, it's Friday and fuck you.

But here are some other great moments:

The thing about how Marco Rubio's body glistens when he fights Spanishes

Trump says Marco Rubio is "weak like a baby" on illegal immigration. And apparently this is never more evident than when he's playing poker with the Hispanics:

"Not a good poker player, because every time he's under pressure, he starts to just profusely sweat."

Trump added that if he and Marco Rubio were playing poker, he would notice Rubio sweating and he'd say "AAAAAAAAAAAA." (We think that's how it's spelled. It wasn't "Aahhhhh!" It was definitely "AAAAAAAAA," a lot of 'A's.)

The thing where he threatened to take his toys and go home if people don't elect him

You already know if you read Dok's post that Trump actually asked the Iowan people, in Iowa, how stupid they are, if they're going to support Ben Carson instead of him. But you must realize that Trump said THROUGHOUT that he's only doing this because he's SO TERRIFIC, and that if you idiots don't elect him, well fuck you then:

I'll go back to my life! I don't have to do interviews!

He said he'll build some more buildings and then he will die, and that will be that, and then you'll have lost your chance.


Hey, remember who ELSE started blubbering like a Butthurt Bradley about how he doesn't want to be president anyway, the second things got tough? That's right, it was Jeb Bush. Poor pitiful, lame-dick Jeb.

The thing where he said a cuss about ISIS

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Remember back in the olden days at the beginning of this primary when Donald Trump had a secret plan to kill ISIS, but he didn't want to tell Obama? He also didn't want to tell Greta van Susteren, and the reason he provided was "Because I don't want to, Greta!"

Well, now we know the plan, and it is this:

I would bomb the shit out of ISIS. I would just bomb those suckers, and that's right ... and then we'll take the oil forever!

Yep. Donald Trump's secret plan for an American war is to use bombs, and also to cuss at Iowa dumbasses, apparently. And he was really upset he had to reveal his secret plan:

I hated to do it, I hated to do it ... my life has been about victories, in all fairness ... you have a lot of people who like to lose ...I don't want to really tell ya because I realized I had to ...

I said to my wife, I said you know, I gotta tell them about this plan, I'm gonna have no choice, otherwise I'm not gonna win!

And now we know. We bet ISIS never imagined in a million years that bombs might be involved, no way, you betcha. He came up with this expert plan because, as he explained, "I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me."


The part where he has a Jewish friend, and it is Benjamin Netanyahu

Donald Trump loves the Jews. They're the "only kind of people" he trusts to count his money, and he's taken a bold stand against Hitler. He would be King Of The Jews, but Jesus stole that tagline from him, and he's suing. And he loves Israel, and he has Jewish friends:

Israel is very important... I have so many Jewish friends ... They're great people!

Mazel Tov! Then he said he did campaign commercials for Benjamin Netanyahu, which makes us sort of uncomfortable, as Bibi is sort of unstable, but then again, so is Donald Trump, so we guess they are unstable together, just two WILD AND CRAZY GUYS, one Jew, one Gentile.

These things the quote-unquote "real journalists" at the Washington Post found, because we guess they watched the whole thing, what SUCKERS

Here's some more crazy:

He took credit for predicting the threat of Osama bin Laden and being right on the "anchor baby situation," a position he says "these great geniuses from Harvard Law School" now back. He uttered the word "crap" at least three times. [...] He signed a book for a guy in the audience and then tossed it back at him with a flip: "Here you go, baby. I love you."

Hoo boy! Like we said, his brain is essploding! But he loves you, baby, really, he does.

A little sumpin' sumpin' for the ladies who are running for president

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As to the lady candidates, whoever THEY are, he said Hillary is "playing the woman card" and that what she did with her emails is worse than General Betray-us sharing state secrets during simultaneous orgasms with his adulterous sex lover. He called the Republican girl candidate "Carly whatever-the-hell-her-name-is." At least he didn't say anything about her "persona" this time.

So those are the fun parts we found. Now, since none of you have lives probably, feel free to watch the WHOLE FOUR HOURS and leave more Trump droppings in the comments, which are not allowed. The video's at the top of this post, just like your mother.

[Washington Post viaJezebel]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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