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Let's Play A Quick Round Of 'WTF Is Kellyanne Conway Saying Here?'

Post-Racial America
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Kellyanne Conway's job is to speak on behalf of Donald Trump. Unfortunately, she is not the always the best at putting words together in a way that makes sense.

Today, Conway was asked by NBC reporter Geoff Bennett about how Donald Trump was observing Martin Luther King Day. This is, of course, exactly the kind of thing a spokesperson should expect to be asked on any holiday. It's a fluff question. Even if he's not doing anything, which he probably isn't, you say something like he's doing quiet reflection on his own or some bullshit like that. Lie and say he's reading something or watching something.

She said:

Well, I can tell you the president is preparing for Davos and agrees with many of the things that Dr. Martin Luther King stood for, and agreed with for many years — including unity and equality, and he's not the one trying to tear the country apart through an impeachment process and a lack of substance that really is very shameful at this point. I've held my opinion on it for a very long time, but when you see the articles of impeachment that came out, I don't think it was Dr. King's vision to have Americans dragged through a process where the president is not going to be removed from office, is not being charged with bribery, extortion, high crimes and misdemeanors. And I think that anybody who cares about "and justice for all" on today or any day of the year will appreciate the fact that the president will have a full throttle defense on the facts and everybody should have that. I this morning was reading some lesser-known passages by Dr. King and I appreciate the fact that we as a nation respect him by giving him his own day, and I'm happy to share a birthday with him.

I have read this approximately 123 times and I still have no idea what she is saying here. I think it's broken me. I always thought I had excellent reading comprehension skills, but I just do not know what she's saying here at all. My best guess is that the actual answer to the question is that he is not doing anything, but she doesn't want to say he's not doing anything, so instead of saying that, she just word saladed her little heart out.

Let's try and break this shit down sentence by sentence!


Well, I can tell you the president is preparing for Davos and agrees with many of the things that Dr. Martin Luther King stood for, and agreed with for many years — including unity and equality, and he's not the one trying to tear the country apart through an impeachment process and a lack of substance that really is very shameful at this point.

So he's preparing for Davos. Got it. He agrees with things Dr. King said about unity and equality. Which things? Never you mind! But also this impeachment thing is bad and Dr. King would definitely agree that it is bad, because of how he liked unity. I guess?

I've held my opinion on it for a very long time, but when you see the articles of impeachment that came out, I don't think it was Dr. King's vision to have Americans dragged through a process where the president is not going to be removed from office, is not being charged with bribery, extortion, high crimes and misdemeanors.

This is fair! Being that Dr. King is quite dead, it seems unlikely that this very specific situation would have been part of his "vision." Especially given the fact that this does not have jack shit to do with racism or making sure people have jobs and are paid fairly or really anything else Dr. King ever talked about or mentioned. It would be equally valid to say that the resurgence of Crystal Pepsi was not part of Dr. King's vision. I mean, it's factually true, but it also has nothing to do with anything.

And I think that anybody who cares about "and justice for all" on today or any day of the year will appreciate the fact that the president will have a full throttle defense on the facts and everybody should have that.

Uh, sure. He can mount a defense. No one said he couldn't.

I this morning was reading some lesser-known passages by Dr. King and I appreciate the fact that we as a nation respect him by giving him his own day, and I'm happy to share a birthday with him.

Were these lesser-known passages all about how he felt that government corruption is great and presidents should do more of it, and also never be impeached for doing it? I don't know. I assume the last part was meant to say that America is not racist because Martin Luther King has a holiday, and neither is Kellyanne Conway because she doesn't even mind sharing her birthday with him.

That's — that's what I've got. If you've got something better, please, enlighten me!

The best thing anyone can say about this response is that it is not actually the worst thing anyone has ever said in conjunction with Martin Luther King Day. That honor goes to a question from the 1991 game "Girl Talk Secret Diary" that encouraged pre-teen girls to celebrate the day by feeling bad about their bodies.

[Twitter]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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