Let's Read James Comey's Opening Testimony And Learn What A Pig Trump Really Is!


'Twas the night before Comey and all through Wonkette, not a creature was stirring, until all of a sudden OH SHIT! The Senate Intelligence Committee went ahead and posted Comey's opening statement on the internet! Remember how we learned weeks ago that Comey is a motherfuckin' OPERATOR who kept the receipts on every weird meeting he had with Donald J. Trump? His testimony says he didn't do that with non-creeper presidents like Barack Obama, but he started after the very first time he met with Trump, during the transition, when he told Trump about the Russian pee hookers.

Comey explains in his testimony, in a roundabout sorta not really way, he DID inform Trump on three occasions that he wasn't PERSONALLY the target of a counter-intelligence investigation, which Trump took to mean Comey had given him assurances that he wasn't under any kind of investigation. NOT SO, BRO. Comey notes that "It is important to understand that FBI counter-intelligence investigations are different than the more-commonly known criminal investigative work." Good to remember!

Comey's testimony also, without explicitly saying it, lays the groundwork for an obstruction of justice case against the president, because that's literally exactly what Trump seems to have done.

Trump moved on Comey like a bitch and tried to buy him furniture, but he couldn't get there.

So what about that loyalty oath Trump allegedly wanted Comey to sign in blood and Russian pee? Did Trump, as Wonkette memorably joked, actually move on Comey like a bitch, but couldn't get there? Oh yes he did. It happened during an intimate dinner in the White House on January 27. Comey explains that Trump basically put him in a situation where he was supposed to beg for his job and "create some sort of patronage relationship" with Trump, which is decidedly not how the relationship between the president and the FBI director is ever supposed to work. That was when Comey started to squirm in his chair:

I replied that I loved my work and intended to stay and serve out my ten-year term as Director. And then, because the set-up made me uneasy, I added that I was not “reliable” in the way politicians use that word, but he could always count on me to tell him the truth. I added that I was not on anybody’s side politically and could not be counted on in the traditional political sense, a stance I said was in his best interest as the President.

A few moments later, the President said, “I need loyalty, I expect loyalty.” I didn’t move, speak, or change my facial expression in any way during the awkward silence that followed. We simply looked at each other in silence. The conversation then moved on, but he returned to the subject near the end of our dinner.

Comey tried to give Trump a little bit of education on the independence of the FBI, but Trump wasn't having it. "I need loyalty." Comey said he would be honest. They finally agreed on the phrase "honest loyalty," because, as Comey explains, he really just wanted the conversation to be over.

During that same dinner, Comey says Trump told him he was "considering ordering" the FBI to do an investigation to prove Trump had NEVER NOT ONCE been peed on by a Russian lady of the night, and Comey was like "Um, I thought you wanted to be NOT under investigation?" Presumably Trump ate TWO SCOOPS OF ICE CREAM on top of his fried steak brick that evening, and Comey ate human food.

Sometimes Trump obstructs them by the pussy, because he's the president, so they let him get away with it.

So what about the story about how back in February, in the Oval Office, Trump privately pressured Comey to drop the investigation into Flynn, which reportedly freaked him out so bad that he asked Attorney General Jeff Sessions to never leave him alone with Trump again, according to the New York Times? Is that all pretty accurate? You bet! It was Valentine's Day, and Trump just wanted some alone time with his favorite boy. Comey explains that after a briefing, once the last person exited through the door by the grandfather clock (the man includes details like a common Charlotte Brontë), Trump immediately said, "I want to talk about Michael Flynn." Trump launched into some other bullshit, and then after getting interrupted by Reince Priebus, went full-on into trying to tamper with the Flynn investigation:

“He is a good guy and has been through a lot.” He repeated that Flynn hadn’t done anything wrong on his calls with the Russians, but had misled the Vice President. He then said, “I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go. He is a good guy. I hope you can let this go.” I replied only that “he is a good guy.” [...] I did not say I would “let this go.”

Comey wrote another memo after that meeting and told a few people in FBI leadership about Trump's inappropriate game of grab-ass, but he says they collectively decided not to say anything about it just then, "resolving to figure out what to do with it down the road as our investigation progressed."

Oh, but was this really all that inappropriate? Pffffffft, says Chris Christie, who has never had ethical problems, no not ever:

Oh what a surprise, Trump was ready to throw ERRBODY ELSE under the bus.

Comey says that on March 30, Trump called him at the FBI to again pressure him to make public statements saying Trump wasn't under investigation. He was also REAL pissed about that congressional hearing, where Comey had confirmed the existence of a counter-intelligence investigation into Trump World and Russia. That was unfair and disloyal, just like when Comey refused to say Trump got "wire tapps" put in his bottom by President Obama!

Comey notes that one of the reasons the FBI and Justice Department wouldn't make public statements like that (which he did not tell Trump) is that they didn't want to have to publicly correct that record, "should that change." But if any of Trump's pals were guilty, that was OK with Trump, as long as Trump was declared innocent:

The President went on to say that if there were some “satellite” associates of his who did something wrong, it would be good to find that out, but that he hadn’t done anything wrong and hoped I would find a way to get it out that we weren’t investigating him.

Jesus Christ.

Wait, holy shit, did they have sex? No surely they did not have sex, as James Comey is not that kind of girl!

Two weeks later, on April 11, Trump called Comey to see if his little obstruction of justice was working. Comey told him to fuck off and please call the Department of Justice through official channels. Trump said "OK I will call them," and THEN:

... [Trump] added, “Because I have been very loyal to you, very loyal; we had that thing you know.” I did not reply or ask him what he meant by “that thing.”

Gross, Donald, what the hell are you EVEN talking about?


WONKETTE IS SO EXCITED! And guess what? We will be liveblogging THE WHOLE THING. Trump may or may not be live-tweeting the whole thing, though reportedly his staff is going to try to keep the dumb baby busy. It starts at 10:00 AM Eastern, which is "a time" in different time zones. You do the math and make sure your ass is RIGHT HERE watching with us!

Unless you are in DC, in which case we will understand if you want to get drunk at one of the bars that's opening early to celebrate Comey Day.

All the rest of you: SEE YOU IN THE MORNING! (Unless you are in Chicago, in which case see you RIGHT NOW!) Also we guess this is your open thread, so yap away.

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[Comey testimony]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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