Let's Skim NYMag's Glenn Greenwald Profile And See How Stupid It Is

Big news happened this weekend, bet you think we're talking about the government shutdown, nah bro, we're talking about a human interest piece about noted journalist Glenn Greenwald in New York Magazine, oh yeah, that's the shit, let's see how much it sucks:

Nope. Or if he somehow does know more than Mueller, we'd reckon that means he's somehow complicit in the Trump-Russia conspiracy on the WikiLeaks side of things, in which case ... nah, Mueller still knows more.

This post should be over, but it's not. (Kind of like a common Glenn Greenwald article!) So we will summarize:

Glenn Greenwald lives in Brazil.

Glenn Greenwald really likes this one restaurant that serves bunches of meat and beer, even though Glenn Greenwald doesn't really like meat and beer.

Glenn Greenwald knows the Russia hoax is a big Russia hoax, everybody agrees, they all say "NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, YOU ARE THE COLLUSION," it was just an excuse the Democrats made up for losing an election they should have won.

Glenn Greenwald thinks everybody is doing "McCarthyism" to poor sweet innocent and good brained Donald Trump.

Glenn Greenwald thinks even if Robert Mueller finds big Trump-Russia conspiracies it's no big, because WHAT ABOUT ESTABLISHMENT DEEP STATE?

Glenn Greenwald "rolled his eyes" when he found out Steve Bannon called Don Jr. a big treason doer, and also he thinks the fact Robert Mueller is 4 for 4 on indictments/guilty pleas from Trump people is a big nothingburger.

Glenn Greenwald thinks it's cool if Don Jr. and Julian Assange do Russia conspiracies together.

Glenn Greenwald wants to DRAIN THE SWAMP. (At least the Democrats.)

Glenn Greenwald gets mad when people call folks like him Kremlin assets (even if they are unwitting assets) if they don't believe Russia, a hostile foreign power with a long history of meddling in elections, fucked with the American election to help Donald Trump win. Why they say that?




Glenn Greenwald does not get to go on MSNBC no more :(

Glenn Greenwald used to be friends with Rachel Maddow but they are not friends no more :(

Glenn Greenwald thinks the problem that led to the dissolution of his friendship with Rachel Maddow was ... Rachel Maddow.


Glenn Greenwald says Matthew Yglesias and Ezra Klein are just a buncha nincompoops.

"Reached for comment," Rachel Maddow, Matthew Yglesias and Ezra Klein had absolutely no interest in responding to Glenn Greenwald.

It's OK because Glenn Greenwald gets to go on Fox News now. :)

It's also OK because Glenn Greenwald has new friends and they are Tucker Carlson and Mike Cernovich. :)

Glenn Greenwald drives a Mitsubishi Outlander.

10 out of 10 Glenn Greenwalds drive one of these fancy dan automobiles.

Glenn Greenwald did part of this interview right before he was supposed to go on the Tucker Carlson Independent Good Thinking Journalism Show but oh no the gate to the parking garage was locked and oh no the person working there had gone home and oh no Glenn Greenwald started to freak out and oh no Glenn Greenwald was wearing shorts and a polo shirt and oh no, "How can I go on Fox News dressed like this?"

Don't worry, Glenn Greenwald found a shirt and tie but didn't change out of his shorts because LOL Glenn Greenwald just fooled all you viewers at home, by not wearing pants!

Glenn Greenwald does not like everything his new BFF Tucker Carlson says on TV, but he'll be strong because WHAT ABOUT DUMBOCRAP RACHEL MADDOW?

Glenn Greenwald invited the New York Mag journalist to his house, whereupon the journalist stepped in dog shit.

Glenn Greenwald lives in a gated community.

When the journalist LOLed at him for living in a gated community, Glenn Greenwald seemed "wounded" and tried to explain his way out of it. Hey, at least the house is owned by Glenn Greenwald now, and not the "hedge-fund pig" who used to own it, says Glenn Greenwald. STICK IT TO THE MAN, GLENN.

Glenn Greenwald makes a half million dollars a year to be a blogger.

"In person," NYMag says, Glenn Greenwald doesn't suck as much as you'd think.

Glenn Greenwald was a real shit in high school.

And in college.

And in law school.

And all the times after that. (Ever read this New Republic thing about what Greenwald, Julian Assange and Edward Snowden really believe? Bookmark it.)

Alex Pareene, long ago Wonkette, former Gawker person, says Greenwald is the shittiest at writing headlines.

Glenn Greenwald loves Twitter so much sometimes he stays in bed all day playing on Twitter, hey, that sounds like somebody else we know.

Glenn Greenwald would have been excited when his friend's Edward Snowden documentary won an Oscar, except for how Oscars host Neil Patrick Harris MEAN GIRLED Glenn Greenwald by saying Snowden couldn't attend the Oscars "for some treason," HAHA, GET IT? Neil Patrick Harris is a fucking delight. According to NYMag, even Edward Snowden "thought it was funny," so we don't know what's so far up Glenn Greenwald's ass, except maybe everything.

Glenn Greenwald's dogs molest each other in the dining room.

Glenn Greenwald is too good at tennis to play you in tennis, he'd dunk on you too hard.

Glenn Greenwald is happy to suck at his job, even though The Intercept co-founder Jeremy Scahill and other journalists there are actually pretty good.

Glenn Greenwald doesn't think the story The Intercept broke with info from NSA leaker Reality Winner, which showed Russians directly hacking into American voting systems and vendors, is a very good story.

Glenn Greenwald thinks America is bad and Russia is good, you know, because of the lack of corruption and gay-friendly society over yonder, we guess.

Glenn Greenwald is A Idiot.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[New York Magazine]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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