Likely Nominee Joe Biden's Perfectly Cool, Perfectly Normal Weekend

2020 democratic primary
Likely Nominee Joe Biden's Perfectly Cool, Perfectly Normal Weekend

During the 2016 presidential race, Donald Trump repeatedly said and did things that would normally end campaigns in less stupid timelines. He dismissed the service of a war hero. He openly mocked a reporter who was physically different. He even picked a fight with a Gold Star family. If he'd used a baby as an impromptu human shield, it probably wouldn't have moved the needle any more than the "Access Hollywood" tape.

The Democrats currently competing to run against Trump next year have mostly followed the old rules of electability. They try to emulate Bill Clinton or Barack Obama. They believe Trump's campaign was a fluke, the electoral equivalent of that one time in band camp. You can't do weird shit and become president. However, Uncle Joe Biden begs to differ. He's bold enough to run a truly post-Trump campaign.

This weekend, Biden launches his #NoMalarkey bus tour through Iowa. Yes, he used the words "No Malarkey." Yes, the logo looks like it was tagged on the side of his bus by elderly graffiti artists. Yes, this is real.

It's like the surviving members of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce head up his communications team. You might've noticed that Biden is old. Bernie Sanders is also in his late 70s but he shoots hoops and hangs out with pop stars even my middle-aged ass doesn't recognize. Elizabeth Warren is 70 and takes selfies with supporters for hours. Biden leans all the way into his Metamucil. This is not a young person's campaign, even if he is tying Pete Buttigieg among college students. Don't worry. Biden has a plan for this slogan.

BIDEN: What we're referring here [is] my Irish ancestry, when my grandfather would really think something is full of you know what, he'd say, "That's a lot of malarkey." So we're on a No Malarkey tour, meaning we're telling the truth.

It's 2019. Trump is running concentration camps and extorting foreign leaders. I think it's OK to flat-out run with a No Horse Shit tour. But Biden zigs when everyone else zags. We barely had time to recover from the #NoMalarkey announcement before Biden molested his own wife at a campaign event Saturday. Dr. Jill Biden was telling an audience how goshdarn proud a nice old white male president would make us all feel again. We'd call our kids in from their 1980s rooms and listen to the president lie to us politely like the good old days. Visibly moved by Dr. Biden's malarkey, Uncle Joe leaned in and bit her finger.

Joe Biden Bites His Wife's

Jill Biden isn't a medical doctor, so she doesn't have to worry too much about the condition of her hands. Still, her husband shouldn't nibble on her finger in public, even if it was accidentally chicken fried. Trump would never do this to Melania, but that's only because he doesn't like the taste of plastic.

The media called Biden's actions "inexplicable." The media was similarly stumped when Trump tweeted a photo of his goofy head on Sylvester Stallone's Rocky-era body. Democrats tried beating Trump with a candidate whose motives were explicable. We need to try something daring and malarkey-free. If I wasn't already convinced that Biden is our only hope, a 2017 "speech" of his that emerged yesterday cemented my support. Any semi-conscious candidate can give a speech. Leave that to your common Obama cosplayers. It takes the truly inspired to give a "speech."

Joe Biden on the hair on his

Behold the gibberish! Biden's comments sound like Courtney Love-penned lyrics from an early '90s Hole album. Hillary Clinton never discussed her leg hair in public, and that's why she lost the white working class. Biden's brother, Frank, voted for Trump because he reportedly felt "slighted" by Clinton's campaign. This is what happens when your public remarks are coherent and don't sufficiently center white men. Biden will put Trump on the defensive. The president will have to constantly up his game or risk becoming the normal candidate. There's nothing Trump would hate more. Besides, normal and boring will lose at the ballot box. Just ask Al Gore, John Kerry, and Mitt Romney. Fancy pants liberals might not want a Biden/Trump race, but it's what the American voter needs and deserves. Biden is the best candidate for our bananapants future. #NoMalarkey detected.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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