Let's Talk About The Trump Boys' Psychosexual Issues: A Christmas Nightmare!
Donald Trump's adult sons are being gross on the internet. We know, we know, it's still morning and you haven't even had your 12 cups of coffee or your daily brain bleach, but those two fuckers are acting out and we feel the need to share it with you so you can be as skeeved out as we are.
First of all, let's talk about the probably soon-to-be-indicted Donald Trump Jr., who (if we're guessing) only did all that Trump Tower treason because he desperately craves Daddy's approval and attention, because he has deep wounds stemming from how his father never really loved him in a normal human way, which led him to become the Town Drunk in college, stumbling around and passing out and pissing all over himself so much he became known as Diaper Don. And ALLEGEDLY, according to a former classmate of Junior's, his dad would come pick him up from college to take him to baseball games and would start off Father/Son Time by slapping Junior across the face in front of all his classmates, because he wasn't wearing a suit. What we're saying is, it's not a healthy relationship.
And, you know, whatever, fine, if your dad is Donald Trump and you love him despite the fact that he has no redeeming qualities and has done nothing but scar you for life since birth, you do you. But do you have to put this perversion on the internet?
You may be praying to your God that Molly Jong-Fast is just funnin' on Twitter, because she is a VERY FUNNY LADY AFTER ALL, but no. It is right there on Junior's InstaFace:
Is Junior saying ... does he ... what is ... like ... does Junior have a crush ON HIS DAD? Like, we are obviously 100% on board with dads and sons showing affection to each other, but Instagramming MY DADDY IS AN ANGEL AND A STAR feels a little bit across the line, especially since Daddy probably doesn't return his calls very much and, again, doesn't quite love him?
Oh yeah, also Junior is 40 years old.
But wait, you might be asking! Why would Junior have a crush on his dad when he's dating that very pretty lady Kimberly Guilfoyle? Dumb question! While we're totally sure that relationship is the hottest thing since sliced bread, MM HMM SURE YOU BET, we're also fairly certain she's only dating him because she desperately wants a really hot job inside the Trump administration, because apparently she hasn't noticed it's a sinking ship. Unless YOU really think she's in it for Junior's brains or his looks.
Anyway, Molly is right, he wants a pardon, and we know this is a crime family, but he wouldn't have to be begging if he thought Daddy really looked at him the way he looks at Ivanka. (He hates to see her go, but he loves to watch her walk away, allegedly, according to his own words.)
Or maybe Junior wants more than that.
Now let's talk about Eric Trump, who might also be angling for a pardon, but might be trying to tell us something else entirely:
Oh sweet Jesus, is Eric trying to bang Kellyanne? No, HEAR US OUT. We were fully expecting people inside Trump world to start openly shitting on George Conway for saying obvious and true things about the administration his wife works for. And George Conway did point out on Monday that Eric's dad openly and blatantly tried to tamper with a grand jury witness yesterday on Twitter:
So that's clearly what Eric Trump was responding to.
But to our eyes, his tweet reads way more intensely than U MAD BRO? In fact, this is the song we heard in our brain when we read Eric's tweet:
PETER CETERA - GLORY OF LOVE www.youtube.com
Is Eric Trump the man who would fight for Kellyanne Conway's honor?
Would he be the hero she's dreaming of?
Would they live forever, knowing together that they did it all for the glory of love?
WE ARE JUST ASKING.
Because listen, Eric Trump is commenting on Kellyanne Conway's marriage and he's doing it in public. He's not defending his dad in that tweet. He's defending her. Eric seems personally offended that George Conway tweets stuff that, in Eric's eyes, is disrespectful to Kellyanne Conway in terms of their marriage. Theoretically, that is none of Eric Trump's business, unless he thinks it's his business, because of what is happening inside his heart.
Like if he loooooooooves her.
And wants to kiiiiisssssssss her.
And maybe someday she will leave that asshole George who doesn't respect her and Eric will totally leave Lara, because you know, whatever, and they can finally be together?
George Conway, for his part, is Long Hair Don't Care about all this, and he's been hitting that retweet button, telling everybody what he really thinks of Donald Trump:
OK, let's review what we've learned in this post:
Junior maybe has a thing for his dad and Eric Trump maybe thinks Kellyanne Conway is his soulmate or at least he maybe wants to do nasties with her or maybe they already have, and this is all happening on the internet, where children can see it.
Now go throw up, like the good Lord intended.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
HI. IT IS THE HOLIDAYS. WE WOULD LIKE TO PAY OUR WRITERS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR US, MAYBE SOME MONEY?