Let's Top Off The Longest Decade Of The Month With Another Democratic Debate!

Who's been a good little worker bee? YOUR BOSS OF YOU (I mean me). We went from the impeachment liveblogs straight to the caucus and then to the SOTU and then more impeachment and more caucus and I have just been bitching and whining and crying and working all the hours and yelling at my loving family, WHO KNOW WHAT THEY DID. But you know what? Today I don't mind! And I actually think tonight's Democratic debate, coming just before the New Hampshire primary, is actually going to be ... fun!

Shut up, I'm not lying!

Yes, sometimes we were like THEY BETTER NOT DO A SOLID FORTY ON MEDICARE FOR ALL again, and then they would do another solid forty on Medicare For All. But Biden's getting salty, Warren's got to remind the media to stop fucking erasing her, and honestly I always enjoy Bernie in a debate. Plus Klobs will probably yell at Pete again and Yang and Steyer will say things we agree with, except for how we just elected a "businessman," and it seems like it did not go that well.

I guess Elizabeth Warren is the new Gen X.

Interestingly (to me), I'm a bit disappointed that Mike Bloomberg will be absent, even though I'm simultaneously pissed at the DNC for changing the rules to allow him in. I'd like to see him in action, he's probably a mean old hoot.

Here, have a livestream! I've got a couple of pina coladas and a steak in me, so WHOOO just 25 minutes to go!


7:55 PM: Yay, what every Democrat wants to see, Chris Christie for the panel!

8:00 PM: And here they come, we got Steyer and Klobs and Warren and Joe and Bernie and Mayor Pete and Yang. HI ALL.

RULES! A minute fifteen for a direct question, or 45 seconds for a response. Who will be overly in love with the time clock today? Because that is what moderators should focus on.

8:05 PM: Joe, why you suck in Iowa?

Joe: I took a hit! I'll probably take a hit here! Have you guys met Bernie? He's gonna win.

George Stephanopoulos: Why are the others insane and people shouldn't vote for them?

Joe: They're all great! You gonna vote for an old commie or a wet behind the ears boy scout, or you gonna vote for OLD JOE?

George: Bernie, Trump is going to say terrible things about you.

Bernie: Correct! Have you noticed he's a terrible liar? Also, while I'm at it, NONE OF THAT NONSENSE WE DID in 2016, I AM GOING TO BE THE HERO OF UNITY even if it's not me. ME = HERO.

Amy Klobs doesn't take the bait on calling Bernie a dirty red, and pivots to "but I am the uniter." That's good, Amy.

George: Billionaire Tom Steyer, is socialism a problem?

Steyer: LOOK OVER THERE! I will talk about "broad appeal" instead of saying "socialism suxxx." And who doesn't love a billionaire!

Yang Gang: gIvE yU ThOsAnD DoLlArs! Yes that was literally his first answer.

So Warren and Pete also answered, Warren mostly about corruption and Pete about Trump which was somehow about Bernie (the MAGA cult v. Bernie Bros maybe? Unsure, I was yelling at James Carville on twitter, I am sorry). Just for the record, this is now 15 minutes on "IS COMMUNISM TERRIFYING?"

At least it's not a solid 40 on LIZ HOW WILL YOU PAAAAAAY FOR IT.

Now George wants to know how we unify the country. SURE GEORGE. So Biden is like "Medicare for All is v bad but also I AM YELLING ABOUT IT." I think maybe his staff said he had to threaten to fight audience members again :(


I'm sure Politifact will Pinnocchifact it tomorrow by pointing out Somalia does not pay as much as we do.

Looks like we're getting our solid 40 on M4A after all.

Klobuchar: I keep listening to this same debate (US TOO) and it is not real. (IT IS ACTUALLY.) "Bernie wants to do it in four years, Elizabeth wants to do it in two," and she yells at Pete for having been "indubitably" for M4A before he was against it. Anyway, SHE AIN'T LIKE IT.

She means this one:

Here is Elizabeth Warren to be the Soft Voice of Reason.

Biden yelling at Buttigieg all SONNY I FOUGHT A WAR FOR YOU (against Newt Gingrich). Buttigieg all "I respect your service, sir, for *that* moment, please allow me to call the nurse."

Klobs mad again. Pete Buttigieg just brings out every one of her MADS. She talks about courage in the impeachment trial, from Doug Jones and Mitt Romney and Alex Vindman, for this moment. "You said it was exhausting to watch and that you wanted to turn the channel and watch cartoons." Which is rough since he looks 11. BAD QUOTE TO HAND TO MAD KLOBS, PETE. "We have a newcomer in the White House and look where that got us."

Bernie going back to make sure we get a solid 80 on M4A instead of beating up on Pete wanting to watch "He-Man" or "Thundercats."

Steyer: We're all good, we've all heard this debate (WE HAVE), and we need to talk about Donald Trump. "ALL our health care plans are better. A MILLION TIMES BETTER!" Team Steyer!

Yang: Donald Trump is not the cause of all our problems. True, but he's exacerbated one or two a wee tiny!

Mod (I wanna say "Linsey Davis"?): Elizabeth Warren, you've promised to investigate and prosecute Trump. Is that bad?

Warren: Fuq yeh I would! Talks about accountability and trust for government and then pivots to what we can do for people who are currently suffering, by taking control of the government and returning it to the people. Democracy AND the future. We are slightly fans.

Yang would not, because GOOD POINT, once you start throwing presidents in jail it's often BAD. But ... don't care.

Bernie says you wanna talk about "precedents"? Hey, how about this corrupt POS corrupting all over the land? BETTER POINT.

8:45 PM: Pete says "let's all support Biden against Trump's smears," and old Joe maybe cries a little and recovers like a comedian in a dead club: ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THE MC or rather STAND UP FOR ALEX VINDMAN. And they do.

Amy and Bernie have a cute joke about the Klobuchar Sanders Amendment -- the Sanders Klobuchar Amendment! But he's joshing, it's nice. Anyway, the moral is she doesn't HATE him, not that much anyway. THE QUESTION, AMY, was whether anybody likes Sanders and if he will get Republican votes for his bills. She doesn't answer this time either.

Bernie doesn't take the bait on HILLARY HATE YOU, HUH? He mentions Clinton's "critique" and says he's looking forward not back; then says he got 25 percent of Republican votes (I think in Vermont?). Republicans are concerned about a lot of our same issues! But none of them are in the Senate.

Pete, would you kill Soleimani? Pete doesn't answer but he has a good point: This isn't an episode of 24. You have to actually know what all the options are, and what the results will be. He doesn't know what he would have done because he wasn't briefed on all the various ephemera. Trump just kills people for the bump.

Biden: Nah, I wouldn't have killed Soleimani, that was some shit. And those 50 soldiers with traumatic brain injuries, and what did Trump say? HEADACHES! MAD JOE BIDEN!

Bernie: There are very bad leaders all over the world. Like Trump's BFF Kim Jong Un! This fucking Saudi asshole. Fucking Putin. Fucking Xi, putting a million Muslims in concentration camps, REBECCA'S LITTLE BROTHER WHO THINKS XI IS AWESOME. Can't just kill all of them!

Warren gives some of her foreign policy boner fides: She's on the Armed Services Committee, she's talked to every general, she's been to every war zone. And nobody has a solution except "stay another five years." That is not the kind of plan Elizabeth Warren likes!

Biden does not think Liz Warren should pull all troops from the Middle East. (I *believe* she said Iraq and Afghanistan, not "all from that entire part of the world? But I'm bad on foreign policy so.) Anyway, we let the Kurds be murdered a lot, which is not cool.

9:00 PM: Pete, are you smarter than Joe Biden? Sure yeah.

Biden: I made a mistake; I believed George W. Bush.

I mean, honestly, who'd believe that guy, he was a fucking pud.

Question: Steyer, what does "hedge fund" have to do with "commander in chief"?

Steyer: Dunno. BUT, have I mentioned the Iran Deal, and diplomacy and climate change? It's not about the military-industrial complex, it's how we gonna deal with other countries when they flooded?

I will say it the hundredth time, I really don't hate Tom Steyer.

9:05 PM: Joe's yelling again.

How come nobody ever talks about Biden's shrill voice?

9:15 PM: Pete, you want to decriminalize drugs? Because we have not heard very much from you tonight!

Pete: Nah.

Mod: That's what your website says.

Pete: The Sacklers baaaad okay?


Yang, you would require OD patients to go to rehab for three days, but there's no beds.

Well, we would get more beds. Also safe injection sites and not jailing people.

Sounds fine!

Klobs, you're a cop. Lock them up forever?

Klobs: Drug court! Rehab! Yes she will prosecute dealers! Yes she will figure out how to pay for the beds! (It is with $4 billion from the opioids settlement and two cents on something else.) But how will I paaaaay for it! That is what that middle "lane" cares about; the rest of us will just expropriate 2 percent of Tom Steyer's money.

Bernie do you love guns?


Biden, Bernie was wrong about something. You gonna be NICE about it or MEAN?

Biden: I am going to be mean! And I'm gonna work up to a FINE ROAR. "We have to be held accountable for what we did!" He's yelling about opioids and drug courts and really working up to a lather.

Warren, we are going to let you talk. Five seconds GO!

Warren: They are just shooting ERREWHERE. You know who doesn't get headlines when they're shot? People of color and suicides and women killed by domestic abusers. Think of it like AUTO SAFETY: PUBLIC HEALTH! MITCH MCCONNELL! FILIBUSTER! FIIIIILIIIIIIBUSTERRRRR!

That was pretty good for Warren's allotted five seconds per debate!

9:30 PM: Biden, how would you SCOTUS? Would you have a litmus test on abortion?

Now Biden's yelling at the non-George moderator. "SAY THE REST OF WHAT I SAID." At least now he's yelling about Bork, who deserves to be yelled about. "LET'S GET THAT STRAIGHT." HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN FOR A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE. (I mean, not really, whatever, it's fine.)

Warren gets to talk again!

Warren: I lived before Roe v. Wade. Rich women always got abortions. We cannot rely on the courts. We need a congressional solution, you can't trust those choads.

Klobs also gets to talk again: "Precedents" means Roe v. Wade. Trump wants to put women in jail. Factcheck YUP. And not just this one, who is presumably past abortion age.


Pete has some weird plan to not appoint all the judges, I don't know, it's wonky. And I mean like a wonky eye. (DON'T BE OFFENDED, WONKY EYE PEOPLE, I HAVE ONE TOO JESUS.)

Bernie: Yes, I have a pro-choice litmus test for the courts. Codify Roe as well. Significantly expand Planned Parenthood. That was a good answer, to the point, 10 seconds, instead of just eating up airtime with words.

Steyer: Everybody on this stage feels exactly the same way about choice and gun control. Right now we're watching the GOP stack the courts for a generation. What are we going to do about it? Also, why haven't we mentioned black people? (Warren has, but yes, the moderators haven't.) The question is HOW DO WE BEAT TRUMP, BEAT THE REPUBLICANS? WE SHOW THEM WITH ECONOMIC GROWTH. AND WE GET ECONOMIC JUSTICE.

Linsey Davis: I was about to talk about race, it only took until 9:35. So, Pete, why did your town increase arrests of black people for marijuana possession so much under you?

Pete is saying some words I am not going to repeat because I am not going to call him a ballsy liar. Yes I am. "I got a lot of heat for even discussing systemic racism with my PD." Was that WHILE you were firing the black police chief and forcing out the black fire chief, or LATER? This is some fucked up shit.

Now Pete says there were so many shootings of children, they had to go after drugs. And "remove the effects of systemic racism."

UPDATE: Here's the clip.

That answer was criminal is what was criminal.

Warren, was that a "substantial answer from Mayor Buttigieg?"

Warren: No.

Steyer: Joe, will you disavow a racist comment from one of your staffers?

Biden: Black people love me.


Bernie: Elizabeth is correct, our society is racist, it impacts everything. (Sorry, once again I laid down on the job, being too flabbergasted by Pete's answer.)

9:47 PM: I am still trying to calm down, sorry.

Bernie, is Nina Turner right when she calls Joe Biden a black-betraying POS?

Bernie: Nah. Let's talk about white wealth and black wealth and black maternal mortality and white maternal mortality.

Klobs: Klobs talks about black maternal mortality really obliquely, but moves on to systematic voter oppression of people of color, stopping gerrymandering, and automatic voter registration at 18. Those seem excellent, thank you Klobs.

Warren is glad to stand with fellow Democrats who care about black people "at least at election time." That was kind of ... bitchy, I'm surprised. But she goes on to say we need concrete plans that will help people of color. (Besides Amy's voting ones I guess.) I bet she has some.

Steyer: We need to repair damage that's been done with discrimination in America. Let's talk about Jim Crow. Let's talk about Barbara Lee! (He means in a good way, not in the way that she needs to be repaired.)

I really like Tom Steyer you guys. Still not voting for him.

Moderator: What about Michael Bloomberg HENGHHH?

Warren brings up the fact that they're all billionaires or taking PAC help, except herself and Amy. (Yes, of course Bernie has a dark money pac, it's Our Revolution.) I feel like this is a boring argument that doesn't matter. Eh.


Mod: Bernie, Bloomberg said "evolution not revolution."

Bernie: Meh.

Pete is talking. Words.

10 PM: Now we're on climate change AND jobs AND Trump's USMCA. I ... thought this was going to be over?

Bernie didn't vote for it because bad on climate change. Amy did I guess? She will do Paris and carbon tax and push China to do climate change. Warren voted for it because farmers and workers are hurting because of Trump's trade wars; it makes things somewhat better for workers and farmers. When she sees a law that makes something somewhat better, she'll vote for it, then wake up in the morning and work to make that better too. Steyer agrees with Bernie and Liz, per usual, even though they just said opposites. I love that he's always doing that!

Amy going on about Trump's blame game. "He blames the king of Denmark, who does that, he blames the prime minister of Canada for cutting him out of Home Alone 2 WHO DOES THAT." Klobs korrekt.

10:15 PM: There are 45 minutes more I guess. I thought it was two hours. Oh well. At least I'm not sitting here having hot flashes ... RIGHT???

Yes I am.

George: Yang, poor children?

Yang does not offer to gIve GeOrGe ThoSAnD DoLlArs. Wait yes he does.

Sorry had to go stand outside in the snow for a minute. Oh wait, we don't have any snow, because it keeps *raining*, in Montana, in February, and also Shy's bees are out and about instead of hibernating and eating their winter honey.

ANYWAY, Warren just had a lovely bit about her two cent wealth tax (as I recall it's two cents on every dollar above fifty million) paying for preschool and for childcare workers to make a GOOD WAGE instead of exploiting them. It was lovely, like I said.

Oh, they punked me, it was fifteen more minutes, not 45! Let's all go stand in the not snow together!

SO. Y'all know where I stand. You're allowed to stand where you like too. Pete's answer about black drug arrests in South Bend was very very very very very very bad. Everyone else was fine. Joe was screamy. NO MORE M4A QUESTIONS, WE'RE FULL UP OKAY?

Thank you for spending the evening with us, WONKETTE OUT.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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