Marco Rubio will be president of neither

It's another Tuesday, of the super sort, which means voters are primary votin' in a whole mess of states. We are Tom-peeping the polls for you in Florida, Ohio, Illinois, North Carolina, and Missouri, and we honestly have no idea what is going to happen. Will the Hillz Bern? Will John Kasich finally win a thing, and will it be the Ohio-shaped thing? Will Donald Trump, or one of his fine associates, punch some gonads or girl-nads? Will we remember to make jokes about Ted Cruz? WHO CAN SAY? After Michigan (ahem, MICHIGAN), we aren't willing to make any predictions about anything at all whatsoever again. With one exception.

Little Marco must be rehearsing one hell of a victory concession speech for this, the last night he gets to prance around the country saying, "Look, Ma, I'm runnin' for president!" Because he must win his home state of Florida. Must. Can't not. He has said so himself. So has everyone else. And yet ... it's not going to happen.

Remember when we told you Marco Rubio is not going to be president? Sorry, we should be more specific. Remember when Rubio first announced he was running for president WHEEEEEE! and we laughed and rolled our eyes and made #jokes and said yeah, uh, not gonna happen? We were so much younger then, in April, but still pretty fuckin' wise, to be honest:

He is going to be president (no he’s not), but not just any president. He is going to be president of A New American Century^TM, because he is young and hip and SO down with the kids these days that he doesn’t even need to capitalize his name. THAT is how hip he is. Unlike some candidates (Hillary Clinton), who are really old (Hillary Clinton), and represent yesterday (Hillary Clinton).

“Yesterday,” Rubio said in his snoozenouncement, "is over."

That was so many yesterdays ago, but now is today, which is almost over too, as is Marco Rubio's presidential campaign. Won't you join us for the ride? Should be a jolly good time.