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OK, here we go!

This morning, we have public testimony from Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, the Ukraine expert at the National Security Council, and Jennifer Williams, Mike Pence's Russia advisor. One thing these two witnesses have in common is that both actually heard Trump's crime treason bribery extortion phone call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy firsthand. (And Vindman has said there are things about the transcript that are WRONG.)

Williams will also be able to testify more about Trump's crime spree from the perspective of the vice president's office, and oh yeah, Vindman has a Purple Heart and Republicans have been attacking him as a double agent traitor spy, because Republicans are wet garbage humans.

We'll fill in more details as the testimony happens. If you need something to do in the meantime, please read the HI-LARIOUS and embarrassing and ridiculous and dumbshit letter about the Ukraine scandal the Senate's stupidest Republican, Ron Johnson, sent to a couple of the House's stupidest Republicans, Jim Jordan and Congressman Moo Cow. He takes a particular shit on Alex Vindman. While you read it, remember that you're actually reading a letter from a SENATOR, and not from a dumpster fire that's learned to write letters.

Republicans are going to be AWFUL today. You know, because of the guy with the Purple Heart saying mean things about Republicans' shitmouthed collection of vaguely human-esque cells that calls itself a president.

Anyway, here's your video.


LIVE at 8:30 a.m. ET | Day 3 of public Trump impeachment hearings: Williams and Vindman to testify www.youtube.com


9:09: And we are off.

We really cannot underestimate how much we think the Republican party is going to shit on America today. It's just going to be so gross.

9:13: Hahahaha, Adam Schiff called Rudy Giuliani "Judy" by accident.

Wonkette has done that before. INTENTIONALLY.

9:18: By the way, Schiff pointed out something that will come up again and again, namely that both Williams and Vindman remember specifically that Zelenskyy said "Burisma" on the phone with Trump, which was left out of the transcript. This suggests that Z already knew what Trump wanted, with investigations into BIDEN.

Anyway, it is time for DEVINNNNNNNN. He says last week's witnesses were HEARSAY and that they are just disgruntled diplomats who didn't like Trump's Ukraine policy (nobody else does either, not even Republicans).

Devinnnnnnnnn also says RUSSIAN HOAX! and now he's reading CNN headlines about the RUSSIAN HOAX!!!1!1! and Slate headlines about RUSSIAN HOAXX!!11!!!!1 and BuzzFeed headlines about RUSSIAIIAIAN HOAXX!1!1!1

You get it.

He hasn't said his line about Democrats wanting naked pictures of Donald Trump yet.

9:27: Devinnnnnnn still wants his answers to his THREE QUESTIONS:

1. WHY DEMOCRATS COLLUSION WHISTLEBLOWER? WHY DEMOCRATS HIDE WHISTLEBLOWER NOW? IS ADAM SCHIFF DATING WHISTELBOWER? DO THEY BLOW EACH OTHER, ON THE WHISTLE?

Devin is bad at counting questions, this is a lot of questions.

2. WHY UKRAINE MEDDLE IN ELECTION TO HELP HILLARY STEAL ELECTION FROM HERSELF SO THEY COULD DO WITCH HUNT HOAX? WHY DEMOCRATS MEAN TO THAT UNFORTUNATE-LOOKING JOHN SOLOMON WHO WROTE MOST OF THE LIE STORIES THAT STARTED THIS? I'D LIKE TO SUBMIT FOR THE RECORD A STORY JOHN SOLOMON WROTE, BECAUSE I AM VERY DUMB AND I BELIEVE THIS STUFF.

Oh good god, now Devin Nunes is defending Ken Vogel's shitty reporting in the New York Times.

3. FINALLY THE THIRD QUESTION! WHAT KIND OF A COW ARE YOU? ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ROMANCE, OR JUST A PASTURE PAL? DO YOU MOO ON THE FIRST DATE?

Just kidding, all the one million questions under the heading of "Devin's third question" are about Hunter Biden, because everybody totally cares about that.

9:27: The Congressman From Green Acres ... his entire opening statement was bellyaching at the media. Because that's what today is about.

Anyway, Schiff is introducing the witnesses. Vindman served in Iraq, was wounded there and received a Purple Heart, has been a Eurasia expert since 2008, and is the Ukraine expert at the National Security Council.

Jennifer Williams has been in foreign service forever, and before that was a political appointee of W's White House. She works in Mike Pence's office as a special adviser on Europe and Russia.

9:30: Meanwhile over there on Fox:

9:32: Here's what Jennifer Williams remembers, as she's laying out in her opening statement:

1. Mike Pence was going to go to Zelenskyy's inauguration, but then Donald Trump banned Mike Pence from going on a road trip to Ukraine because he was starting his extortion campaign, and besides, Rick Perry needed to go over there and do some corruption. (Williams did not say that, we are editorializing.)

2. Williams was aware of the hold on Ukraine military assistance, which everybody was opposed to except for Mick Mulvaney's OMB, and, you know, President Shithole.

3. Williams heard the call. She's been on presidential phone calls before. She found the call "unusual" because it involved "what appeared to be a domestic political matter." She put her memo about the call in Mike Pence's briefing book.

4. She says in Mike Pence's meeting in Warsaw with Zelenskyy, neither of them mentioned the specific investigations Trump was demanding of Ukraine.

9:37: Vindman opening statement, oh, the Trump crimes he has seen!

1. America's policy of supporting Ukraine against Russian aggression has been a "consistent, bipartisan" policy, and the election of Zelenskyy gave a special opportunity for that.

2. Vindman became aware of a corrupt former Ukrainian prosecutor and Rudy Giuliani doing a smear campaign of literally making up shit, which undermined American foreign policy.

3. Tells story of July 10 meeting at White House, which John Bolton stormed out of after Gordon Sondland started demanding investigations from the Ukrainians. Fiona Hill was pissed too. Took his concerns to NSC lawyer John Eisenberg. (You know him! He put the transcript of the crime call in the secret Bin Laden server!)

4. He heard the call. It was "inappropriate." It is "improper for the president of the United States to ask a foreign government to investigate a US citizen and a political opponent." Took his concerns to NSC lawyer John Eisenberg. (HI, JOHN EISENBERG!)

5. He reported his concerns out of a sense of duty, through the normal chains of command.

9:43: Vindman takes a moment to defend the other witnesses against the "reprehensible" attacks that have been lobbed at them by Trump and Republicans. We all know what those scumbags have been saying about him.

9:45: LOL Vindman just mentioned his "little brother" sitting behind him, who also works at the White House. His "little brother" is his twin brother who was born like seven seconds after he was. He likes to talk about that.

Also addresses his dad, and says his dad made the right decision to take the family and flee the Soviet Union 40 years ago. Says don't worry, he will be fine there "for telling the truth" today.

Anyway, questioning begins, so this is Elise Stefanik's cue to do something dumbshit probably.

9:48: Schiff begins with a question about a September 18 call with Pence and Zelenskyy, her lawyer objects because the VP's office has determined that call is classified. However, Williams says she is willing to submit information about that call in a classified way.

WHAT HAPPENED ON THAT CALL?

9:50: Schiff asking Vindman about the April call between Trump and Zelenskyy, the one Trump wants everybody to read because it has a better READ TEH TRENEANJADPPCITP!!! and Trump didn't commit any crimes on that call at all.

SCHIFF: Did Trump ever mention "corruption" on that call, since he says he loves fighting corruption so much?

VINDMAN: LOL no.

This is notable because Vindman actually prepared talking points for that call, where Trump could have talked about REAL corruption issues, but, you see, Trump doesn't actually care about REAL corruption issues. He just wants his fucking investigations, like he told Gordon Sondland on the phone that day after his crime call.

9:52: Here's the end of Vindman's opening statement:

Remember when Republicans start shitting on that guy, THAT is who they are attacking.

9:55: VINDMAN: It was improper for Trump to "DEMAND" investigations from Ukraine.

SCHIFF: Why you call it "demand"? What about the relationship between Ukraine and US makes it "demand"?

VINDMAN; "The power disparity between the two leaders [...] in order to get the White House meeting, President Zelenskyy would have to deliver these investigations."

SCHIFF: Ms. Williams, you found the call inappropriate and it "shed some light" on other reasons America might be putting hold on Ukraine military aid.

WILLIAMS: Oh basically I started to figure it all out just then. Donald Trump was yapping his shithole about the same garbage Rudy Giuliani was saying on TV every night, and he was saying it TO THE UKRAINE PRESIDENT.

9:59: Again, they both heard "Burisma" on that phone call. They are not ascribing necessarily nefarious motives to its omission from the transcript, but Vindman does note that his edits, where he tried to put it back in, were not taken.

Says this suggested to him that Zelenskyy was prepped, or already just aware, that Trump would be wanting BURSISISISISISIMA BIIIIIIIDEN investigations.

Now we go to Dan Goldman for questions!

10:03: GOLDMAN: All the garbage Trump said on the call about his weird conspiracy theories about Ukraine having Hillary Clinton's email server buried in the backyard, was that part of your official talking points?

VINDMAN: LOL no.

GOLDMAN: Have you heard of Trump's weirdass conspiracy theory about Ukraine and the 2016 election?

VINDMAN: Yep!

GOLDMAN: Are you aware that's Russian propaganda?

VINDMAN: Sure am!

10:05: GOLDMAN: All that crap about the call about investigating Joe Biden, did you put that in Trump's notes?

VINDMAN: Hell no.

GOLDMAN: Is there any basis to Trump's dumb shart conspiracy theories about Joe Biden?

VINDMAN: Not that I know of!

WILLIAMS: Nope!

10:08: Vindman says he started hearing from the Ukrainian embassy during August, before the hold on the military assistance was public, about concerns. Just more evidence that they knew long before Trump and Republicans want us to think they knew.

10:10: GOLDMAN: What languages do you speak?

VINDMAN: "Russian and Ukrainian. And a little bit of English."

Everybody LOLs.

10:11: VINDMAN MAKE JOKE!

10:15: What just happened was a conversation about a text message that happened before the treason call between Kurt Volker and Ukrainian official Andriy Yermak, which specifically suggested Zelenskyy was prepped about the investigations Trump wanted beforehand.

Now talking about why John Eisenberg, the NSA lawyer, immediately wanted the transcript of the call put on the secret Bin Laden server for state secrets and Trump treason.

Says he didn't necessarily think it was "nefarious" that they didn't take his edits on putting "Burisma" back into the call transcript.

One thing that's interesting, with this witness and the others, is that they don't impute intent onto things if they didn't actually impute intent onto them at the time. That is because they are FACT WITNESSES. They are here to tell you FACTS that they KNOW.

10:21: Readout from the April 21 call, where it says Trump mentioned "corruption." You know, because he cares so much about "corruption." He did not actually talk about "corruption" in either call.

10:25: Vindman confirms again that after the July 10 meeting with the Ukrainians that John Bolton stormed out of, in their debrief meeting, Sondland brought up specific investigations into the "Bidens, Burisma and 2016." Vindman also states again that he spoke up and said that shit was fucking inappropriate.

Remember that Bolton was so mad because "we don't do politics here" and referred to whatever Trump and his dipshit minions were cooking up as a "drug deal."

10:28: Jennifer Williams says the FIRST thing Zelenskyy asked Mike Pence about in Warsaw on September 1 was what the hell is happening with the military assistance? Also says Zelenskyy was concerned about the symbolism of it being known that the military aid was being withheld, because it sends a signal (to Russia) that US support is wavering.

10:31: By the way, THIS IS FUCKED UP.

Now Goldman and Vindman are discussing how Trump only released the assistance when Congress found out and shit a brick and the White House found out about the whistleblower. Remember how Wisconsin idiot Senator Ron Johnson is so mad at the whistleblower for exposing Trump's crimes, because if they hadn't done that, then nobody would have ever heard about Trump's crimes?

Anyway, now we go to Devin Nunes and Steve Castor with their questions! We are sure they will be very good questions.

10:33: Hahahahahaha, good lord.

NUNES: Jennifer Williams, DID YOU KNOW UKRAINE COLLUSION ALEXANDRA CHALUPA DNC BURISMA BIDEN MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?

WILLIAMS: I mean, I've learned about some of your meat fart fantasies since all this has started ... ???

NUNES: DID YOU KNOW THAT HUNTER BIDEN DID A UKRAINE?

WILLIAMS: ...

NUNES: I am going to ask Vindman the same questions, none of which make sense to anybody who doesn't huff paint off Sean Hannity's sexxx nipples.

VINDMAN: I have zero idea what the fuck any of you are talking about.

10:38: NUNES: In conclusion, I am going to say a bunch of weirdo shit about RUSSIA COLLUSION HOAX and stuff, and I am not going to SAY you are leakers, but I am going to kind of imply it? Anyway, Jennifer Williams, you are the leaker.

WILLIAMS: I am not the leaker.

NUNES: Did you tell everybody at the New York Times about Trump's treason call?

WILLIAMS: I am not the leaker.

NUNES: You are the leaker.

WILLIAMS: I am not the leaker.

NUNES: Colonel Vindman, you are the leaker.

VINDMAN: I am not the leaker.

NUNES: Did you tell everybody at the New York Times about Trump's treason call?

VINDMAN: I am not the leaker.

NUNES: You are the leaker.

VINDMAN: I am not the leaker.

10:41: You know, for somebody who appears to prematurely ejaculate leaks all over Fox News all the time (or his committee staff or SOMEBODY), it's pretty funny/loser that Devin Nunes is doing this.

10:43: NUNES: I am going to try to out the whistleblower now.

SCHIFF: Reminder to witnesses: If you think Devin Nunes is trying to make you out the whistleblower, you can tell him to eat shit.

NUNES: MISTER VINDMAN ...

VINDMAN: My name is Lieutenant Colonel Vindman.

That's right Devin Nunes, you rancid garbage trash wet noodle-brained cow-suing motherfucker, you will CALL HIM BY HIS NAME.

This is ridiculous.

Basically Nunes wants to know the names of everybody Vindman spoke to, because maybe one of them is the whistleblower.

Vindman clarifies that everybody he spoke to about the phone call is "properly cleared" with a "need to know," and Devin Nunes is soooooooo fuckin' mad because HE WANTS TO OUT THE WHISTLEBLOWER!

10:47: Steve Castor the Republican lawyer takes over, so if you need to smoke or read War And Peace during this time, feel free, because Castor is really shitty at his job and nothing is going to happen here.

10:53: CASTOR: Do you know that Donald Trump hates helping countries that are opposed to his real dad Vladimir Putin?

VINDMAN: We all witness this daily.

CASTOR: Don't you know that Trump doesn't even understand how NATO works and constantly bitches about other countries not paying the money they owe him?

VINDMAN: Seen that movie too.

11:02: As we said, NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN here, besides Steve Castor embarrassing himself.

Exhibit A: Castor went through a LONG series of questions with Jennifer Williams about how many Trump rescheduled Mike Pence's trip to Zelenskyy's inauguration in May for totally normal reasons, like maybe they didn't have time to book hotels, or maybe Secret Service didn't have a chance to check the country to make sure it was safe, or MAYBE Mother requires more notice to pack Mike's suitcase, or MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE ...

This went on and on and on, until Jennifer Williams just casually noted that Trump canceled Pence's trip several days before planning like that would have even started. In other words, the GOP lawyer wasted 10 minutes going down a rabbithole that doesn't even exist.

Now he's stepping on his dick with Vindman. This is just great.

11:07: Pretty sure Vindman just threw very subtle shade at Gordon Sondland, in a discussion about how Vindman initially didn't remember "2016 election investigation" being mentioned in the July 10 meeting with John Bolton, Sondland, Fiona Hill and the Ukrainians. He did remember later, and clarified accordingly.

CASTOR: So the questions refreshed your recollection?

VINDMAN: Yeah, I guess that's the term for it these days!

It's funny because Gordon Sondland keeps getting his "recollection refreshed" because he has "lied" to Congress a lot.

11:12: Now Castor and Vindman discussing how Vindman was sidelined after a certain point because he kept acting like an American patriot and pulling fire alarms over what Trump was doing.

CASTOR: Did the national security adviser in Ukraine offer YOU the position of defense minister in Ukraine?

VINDMAN: He did! It was weird!

CASTOR: Why he do that?

VINDMAN: Dunno. I told my chain of command about it! Anyway, I said fuck off, because I'm an American goddammit.

CASTOR: Did you at least leave the door open?

VINDMAN: Dude. You are really doing this? Anyway, I thought it was hilarious that I got that job offer from Ukraine, we all LOLed about it at the NSC.

CASTOR: Obviously you are a Ukraine spy for Ukraine.

VINDMAN: Oh, obviously. Dude, for real, though?

11:13: CASTOR: Don't you think it's SO BAD that you were interviewing for jobs in Ukraine while you were advising America on Ukraine?

VINDMAN: OK boomer, that is a radical interpretation of the text. We all thought it was funny! My entire chain of command knew about this, you are just hunting wabbits right now, and not very well.

11:19: Time for a break! The witnesses have to pee and Eric Swalwell needs to poot!

As we said, nothing was accomplished by Castor, but that whole "WHY WERE YOU ON THE UKRAINE VERSION OF 'LINKEDIN' TRYING TO GET JOBS?" thing was pretty dumb and hilarious and ridiculous. It was obviously an attempt to paint Vindman as a person with dual loyalty, which is fucking disgusting, but Castor is SOOOOO BAD AT IT.

11:25: While we are on a break, here is a hilarious post from Liz on the new frivolous lawsuit from Kash Patel, Devin Nunes's idiot boy who was pretending to be the REAL Ukraine expert at the NSC.

11:38: We are back! Now that the Republicans' first round of calling Lt. Col. Vindman a spy who has (((dual loyalty))), Adam Schiff is clarifying that there was NO ambiguity about Trump saying he wanted investigations into "Biden," and that these are the exact same investigations Rudy Giuliani has been pushing in Ukraine and on Fox News.

11:39: Also clarifies with Jennifer Williams that, though Pence and Zelenskyy might not have said "Biden investigations" in their meeting, Gordon Sondland immediately went to Andriy Yermak and said "Biden investigations." She says she didn't know about then, because Pence went on to his own meetings, and she works for Pence, but she sure did learn that from Gordon Sondland's testimony! (His amended one, where he suddenly remembered that he personally delivered the quid pro quo extortion.)

11:42: Devin Nunes wants to know if Vindman ever got on anybody's computer at the NSC when he wasn't supposed to. Vindman says no. That was worthless right there.

Yields to CRAZZZZZZZAY ASS JIM JORDAN!

You see, Tim Morrison, who will be testifying this afternoon, was Vindman's boss, and he is testifying this afternoon, and he is the GOP's STAR WITNESS. (He is a bad star witness.) They are seizing on the fact that Tim Morrison said Vindman has "bad judgment."

Vindman responds by reading Fiona Hill's exact words about how he, Vindman, is fucking awesome. Says he doesn't know why Morrison would say that shit, and also they only worked together for five minutes so what the fuck.

JORDAN: You are the leaker.

VINDMAN: I am not the leaker.

JORDAN: I would like to out the whistleblower now.

VINDMAN: You are not allowed to out the whistleblower, Adam Schiff says that is a sin.

11:47: In summary and in conclusion, Vindman was totally prepared for Jim Jordan and his garbage face and his Big Lots clothes and his cheap attempts to figure out who the whistleblower is.

11:48: JORDAN: Tim Morrison says call was not illegal! Tim Morrison is not lawyer, of course, but he says NO ILLEGAL! Whistleblower hired lawyer who said a coup against Trump! (Bullshit.) But Trump TRICKED YA! He released READ THTHEJ;RKA TRANSDFTIP5PTT!!!!!1!!1 (It features many crimes committed by the duly unelected president of the United States.)

Anyway, Jim Jordan is done wasting our time, for now.

11:52: Jim Himes discusses how Donald Trump tried to commit witness intimidation against Jennifer Williams this weekend and called her a Never Trump. She does not think she is a Never Trumper.

Vindman tells story of how he got his Purple Heart. Says he is not a Never Trumper. Says he is a NEVER-PARTISAN.

HIMES: Wanna talk about the GOP's vile (((dual loyalty))) smear against you? Wanna talk about how that is literally so Fox News can smear you as a (((dual loyalty))) tonight?

Says this is what his garbage colleagues stoop to when they decide to attack a Purple Heart.

And now it moves to embarrassing fuckclown John Ratcliffe! He is mad that Democrats say Trump did "bribery." Has not asked an actual question yet. Says Democrats use to say "quid pro quo" now they don't say "quid pro quo" they say "bribery" nobody said "bribery" my name is John Ratcliffe and I am one of the best and brightest Republicans have isn't that sad?

11:57: Ratcliffe has all these transcripts and nobody said the word "bribery" therefore NO BRIBERY!

12:04: Terri Sewell questioning:

SEWELL: Just to be clear, investigating Joe Biden isn't US foreign policy.

WILLIAMS: Don't think so!

SEWELL: And the Ukrainians knew exactly that Trump was trying to make them meddle in our election.

VINDMAN: Yep.

SEWELL: And this was all to try to "debunk" the actual fact that Russia attacked our US election.

VINDMAN: Looks like it!

12:07: GOP idiot MIKE TURNER: You say Rudy Giuliani is full of shit about Ukraine!

VINDMAN: Yep.

TURNER: But you've never met Rudy Giuliani! And you've never met Donald Trump!

VINDMAN: Nope.

TURNER: You said you're responsible fo coordinating US-Ukraine policy. How can you do that if you are not the boss of Mike Pompeo and the whole entire Pentagon?

VINDMAN: I mean, I could give you a chart if you are so stupid you don't know how the NSC is set up ...

TURNER: Do you think any of the witnesses so far have lied to the committee?

WILLIAMS: Dunno.

VINDMAN: Dunno.

Republicans really don't have jackshit.

12:11: Anyway, Adam Schiff takes over to respond to John Ratcliffe's dumb hooves stomping around about how Democrats used to say "quid pro quo" and now they say "bribery," explaining that none of the witnesses have said "bribery" because NOBODY ASKED THE WITNESSES THAT BECAUSE THEY ARE FACT WITNESSES AND IT IS NOT THEIR JOB TO DECIDE WHAT CRIMES TRUMP IS GUILTY OF.

Also explains that "bribery" can be a part of a "quid pro quo," according to the definitions of words, which exist.

12:15: Fucking dipshit Rep. Dr. Podiatrist Brad Wenstrup is asking rapid-fire questions about why Vindman didn't go to TIM MORRISON with his concerns, and instead went to JOHN EISENBERG. Vindman tries to answer the question, but Wenstrup doesn't like that, because it doesn't confirm to whatever narrative he's trying to spin. (Apparently Morrison didn't make himself available.) Schiff yells at Wenstrup for not letting the witness answer the question.

Anyway, his final zinger is that Vindman didn't put "demand" in the treason transcript, but he said it today, QED ZING GOT YOU! (This is because Trump didn't say "demand," but Vindman, as a Ukraine expert, explained why Trump's words would be interpreted as a demand by the Ukrainian president, who has sooooooo much less power.)

12:24: Democrats are doing a good job bringing it back to the POINT, asking questions like "OK, so just to be clear, is INVESTIGATING THE BIDENS TO HELP TRUMP WIN IN 2020 part of foreign policy? No? Thank you for your service!"

GOP moron Chris Stewart takes over:

STEWART: Why did you get mad at Devin Nunes for calling you MISTER? Do you always yell at civilians for not calling you by your rank?

VINDMAN: My name is LIEUTENANT COLONEL ALEXANDER VINDMAN, you asshole. I am wearing my uniform. Get a grip.

Stewart's only other argument is that Trump extorting Zelenskyy for a "favor" should not be interpreted as an "order" because that's how it is in the military, and not in regular life. (That's how it is in the mob, though, and Donald Trump is basically a cheap Wal-Mart hand-me-down version of a mobster.)

12:30: STEWART: Here are one thousand actual lies about what Joe Biden did in Ukraine. HAS JOE BIDEN NO DECENCY, SIR? WOULDN'T YOU AGREE?

VINDMAN: I am not going to answer questions based on paint-huffing fantasies from you and Rudy Giuliani and Donald Trump? Sorry!

12:35: HEEEEELLLLLLL YEAH BATSHIT ELISE STEFANIK!!11!!!11

Giphy

STEFANIK: Words fast corruption establishing nothing!

WILLIAMS AND VINDMAN: OK!

STEFANIK: Burisma is the devil now!

VINDMAN: I agree that you say that it is, but over here in Grown-Up Town, that's not what we talk about.

STEFANIK: My constituents in NY-21 are very worried about Hunter Biden! Adam Schiff won't call Hunter Biden!

NY-21: Actually Elise Stefanik might lose in 2020. Donate to her opponent Tedra Cobb here!

Stefanik is saying other words, but we don't give a fuck, our lunch is getting delivered.

12:40: Eric Swalwell's turn!

SWALWELL: I did not poot on TV.

VINDMAN: We know.

SWALWELL: Might poot now though.

JUST FOOLING, we love Eric Swalwell, but we are going to need about 24 more hours before we get bored with this joke.

12:42: SWALWELL: Ratcliffe over there was bitching about how nobody said "bribery," are you guys lawyers?

NOT LAWYERS: Nope, we are not.

VINDMAN: My little brother is a lawyer! He was born nine minutes after me!

SWALWELL: Are attempted crimes considered crimes?

VINDMAN: My little brother says they are.

SWALWELL: Jennifer Williams, you say Mike Pence is a "voracious reader" of his briefing books. Also you put the memo about the treason call in his briefing book. So, using our deductive reasoning we might reasonably conclude ...

WILLIAMS: No comment!

12:44: Swalwell's point is that Mike Pence probably didn't need to bring up the Bidens in that September 1 Warsaw meeting, because he already knew what Trump was up to. What Swalwell wants to know is if Pence didn't bring it up because he knew it was wrong. Williams does not know.

Anyway, Will Hurd! As the only semi-smart Republican who exists, Hurd has been pretty fuckin' embarrassing in these hearings.

12:51: JOAQUIN CASTRO: I have a twinsie too! I hope your brother is nicer to you than mine is to me! My brother made me grow a beard! LOL he will never be president.

EVERYBODY: lololol

But back to serious, Castro asks if there is any basis to the idea Ukraine interfered in the 2016 election. Vindman responds that it is specifically Russian propaganda to say that. Russia attacked the election, period, full stop, according to literally everyone.

12:54: CASTRO: To be clear, was Trump asking for corrupt investigations a good way to be concerned about "corruption" in Ukraine?

VINDMAN: Nope!

12:58: Moron John Ratcliffe says Vindman and Williams don't even agree about what happened on the phone call (they agree), then how can ANYBODY ELSE decide what happened on the call? Especially since we don't have a READTHEHATREANSDIPT~!!!!!!!11

Oh wait we do.

1:00: JIM JORDAN: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WANT TO OUT THE WHISTELBOWER!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VINDMAN: I see that!

JORDAN: Lies lies lies lies lies.

VINDMAN: Everything you just said is lies, you fucking moron.

JORDAN: I REST MY CASE! ALSO I OBJECT!

1:04: Pretty clearly Republicans are obsessed with the idea that Vindman went to John Eisenberg, the NSC lawyer, who told him not to tell anybody about the treason call, at which point they believe Vindman went directly on a Whistleblower Walk to tell secrest to the Whistleblower.

What Vindman just established though, is that Eisenberg told him to STFU and not talk about the call after the CIA general counsel came to Eisenberg and said there was a whistleblower raising alarms.

Jim Jordan is saying some hot white supremacist garbage about the "will of the American people," which is hot white supremacist garbage because a minority of white Americans picked Trump, and millions more picked his opponent, go fuck yourself Jim Jordan with your "will of the American people" thing.

1:10: Jim Jordan would also like to say MUELLER COMEY RUSSIA HOAX ASP;EJLTIERJA;OJCKJC;VGJIUETIEUAK!!!1!!!! WHISTLEBLWOER!!1!!1!!!1

It's just Fox News clips. It's not the business of Congress.

Jim Jordan says "the American people" see through all this, but he means the white supremacist minority that still loves Trump, because that's what Republicans mean when they say "the American people."

1:13: Rep. Peter Welch is just noticing that none of his Republican colleagues have remotely addressed whether it's OK to demand investigations from Ukraine into American citizens who are political opponents of Donald Trump, isn't that weird, huh how weird that is.

1:19: Sean Patrick Maloney is so hot, we mean smart and good at job. He's going back to the basics just like Welch did, after Republicans tried to throw any shit at the wall and see what sticks.

MALONEY: Williams, you saw some disturbing shit on that call.

WILLIAMS: Yep, that's my testimony.

MALONEY: Vindman, you were so freaked you reported it immediately.

VINDMAN: Yep.

MALONEY: Read your opening statement again, where you assured your dad it would be OK, even if you came to Congress and told the truth in direct opposition to President Garbage Crimer.

He did read it, he said something meaningful about how "this is America" and he got a round of applause.

And Val Demings takes over!

1:27: Demings did a wonderful line of questioning on why it's so important to protect Ukraine as the barrier nation between Russian aggression and the West, including lines about how that is decidedly opposed to what Trump's real dad Putin wants.

Raja Krishnamoorthi takes over and just cold reads Vindman vile Fox News quotes questioning his loyalty to America.

Here's Peter Welch's awesome speech from earlier:

1:30: KRISHNAMOORTHI: Republicans are obsessed with Zelenskyy sitting there on TV with Trump with a proverbial gun to his head and saying "NO PRESSURE." Did Ukraine feel pressure from Trump?

VINDMAN: Of COURSE they did!

1:32: Devin Nunes closing statement!

NUNES: I give Democrats an F for their performance today! The Democrats never will admit that they colluded with Ukraine to steal the election from themselves! THAT IS APPALLING! WHY WON'T THEY ADMIT WHAT THEY DID IN MY IMAGINATION!

Adam Schiff closing statement!

SCHIFF: Pretty funny how mad Republicans are that after Trump's treason call Vindman went to the NSC lawyer instead of Morrison, his supervisor, considering how Morrison didn't run to his supervisor either, but rather ran to ... THE NSC LAWYER. Isn't that funny? In summary and in conclusion, when you fight corruption, you're gonna piss off some corrupt people. Look how mad those Republicans and Trump still are!

Wonkette closing statement!

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Evan closing statement!

EVAN: Please remind me that when I order lunch tomorrow, I need to get something HEALTHY, OK? Because the fried chicken sandwich I just had was EPIC AND WONDERFUL, but I am pretty sure I have to do an entire extra hour at the gym tonight because of it, like holy mother of God.

Anyway, um, we'll be back for the next hearing, in a little bit! Go read new Wonkette post about getting potted up on weed while we are on break!

3:03: By the way, we are moving over here for afternoon testimony. Join us!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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