​Lindsey Graham Gonna LOCK HER UP With Robert Mueller Or Something, F*ck If We Know

Oh boy! Know how we said a little while ago that Trump-sucking morons are high on their own supply right now, and that we need to just let them have their moment while we wait for the next series of shoes to drop?

Well! May we submit Exhibit "A," Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Sassy), who we're pretty sure is compromised in some way or another, and who did up a news conference this morning for the purposes of calling for Attorney General William Barr to appoint a new special counsel to investigate Hillary's emails and the inception of the Russia investigation (did Deep State make up an investigation to make poor Trump look like a Russian asset?) and "Obama people" doing "wire tapps" to Trump's bottom, and oh just everything else you can think of (that a paranoid schizophrenic person might suggest). This would presumably include a special counsel investigating Robert Mueller's own investigation, since his appointment came out of the president's obstruction of justice of the original Russia investigation. To which we reply, BRING IT, FUCKER.

Of course, as chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, you can expect that Graham will be starting some investigations all by his lonesome, as is his prerogative.

Graham said he wants to do more investigatin' of James Comey's actions pertaining to the Hillary Clinton email investigation, which were all very bad, obviously, and if Graham was acting in good faith, it could actually be a good thing, but he isn't, so fuck him. Graham showed his weird hand when he explained that he's pretty sure Bill Clinton and then-Attorney General Loretta Lynch didn't just have a "tarmac meeting" during the Hillary emails investigation but that it was "more." Did they do something in a HANGAR, Lindsey? Wanna scan the entire Phoenix airport for blue dresses?

LOL, just kidding, that was the Clinton impeachment, which Lindsey Graham supported, because they involved a Democrat's cum crimes, as opposed to selling America to a foreign power for election assistance. (In today's presser, Graham said Democrats calling for impeachment should learn from the GOP's Clinton mistakes, because Graham just wants to help the Democrats.)

Graham did say he wants "as much" of the Mueller report to be released "as possible," because that's his line he's supposed to say, until they start coming up with reasons why actually they need to hide it in one of Putin's pod storage units with the pee tape.

We could transcribe a bunch of Graham's very serious yappings about all the new investigations we need, and why we need a second special counsel, or we could just go to Ronna Romney McDaniel, who will never get her own Mormon Planet if she keeps being such a sack of shit:

Pretty sure that's what the last Congress wasted all of America's time on, but sure, dipshits, whatever. Regardless, we can see that the talking points have gone out and that the Republican stooges are regurgitating them without even trying to put them in their own words, that's how shameless they are.


Did we mention that Graham's own 2020 re-election campaign starts later this week? We should mention that.

Here are a couple more videos, if you are just dying to listen to Lindsey Graham's genteel and comforting voice fill your ears with bullshit about appointing new special counsels and saying it IS NOT EITHER a bad look for him that just two days ago he was doing burlesque shows at Mar-a-Lago, and now he's sitting up here pretending to be a professional who cares about the rule of law and transparency for the Mueller report. HE DOES DECLARE, FRANKLY, THAT HE DOES NOT GIVE A DAMN!

As we noted, because Graham is the chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, he absolutely has the power to start the seven millionth frivolous investigation into Hillary Clinton, and into whatever colorful visions Devin Nunes sees when he (ALLEGEDLY!) snorts his happy powder off his love cow's tits (ALLEGEDLY!). Because there are three Dems on Judiciary running for president, it might be that Graham hopes to bait them into spending their precious 2020 campaign time talking about Hillary and made-up conspiracy theories about THE DOSSIER and whatnot. In that case, we'd hope Kamala Harris, Cory Booker and Amy Klobuchar would reach a mutual agreement with Democratic leadership to boycott those hearings, to send a very clear message to American voters that Lindsey Graham can eat their ass with a spoon and salt and pepper on top, because ain't nobody got time to watch the senator from South Carolina sit in a room by himself and jerk off on C-SPAN.

Of course, if Graham is still around when the Democrats take full power of the Senate and the White House, we assume he'll be OK with it if they start new investigations into obstruction and collusion between GOP members of Congress and the right-wing press to hurt the Russia probes. Fair's only fair, and if the GOP is going to be reopening investigations where nobody was ever credibly accused of a crime, then we get to start new investigations to find whatever crimes Robert Mueller and SDNY and everybody else investigating TrumpLand might have missed.

Graham previewed his latest nonsense in a tweet on Sunday:

Stranger danger, Jim Comey, please find a policeman!

Oh hey, one more thing. Remember how Donald Trump spent all last week losing his fucking shit because Dead John McCain did an "evil" act when he took the Steele Dossier to the FBI after it was given to him? We only bring it up because Lindsey Graham revealed today after his news conference that McCain brought him the dossier too and that he told McCain to take it to the FBI, which seems like something Lindsey Graham mighta coulda brought up last week when his Daddy was rage-shitting on his dead best friend, and also he could have mentioned it to Ronna Romney McDaniel earlier in this post, we are just saying.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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