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We often discuss what a Trump-licking shithole Lindsey Graham is. Recently we talked about how Graham was gonna open a super-serious investigation into the Biden conspiracy theories that everybody knows are conspiracy theories, even the Republicans on the Senate Intelligence Committee know they are conspiracy theories. This even though a long time ago, Graham and Biden used to be friends. Real friends.

But Graham apparently has found one Trump order he cannot follow, at least until Trump shows him some more kompromat, ALLEGEDLY.

O RLY? Is Adam Schiff gonna testify in the Senate? Is Joe Biden? Is Hunter Biden? Is Nancy Pelosi? Is Lindsey Graham going to follow this decree from his highness who HEREBY ORDERS it?


Womp womp:

"I don't have any desire to subpoena Adam Schiff. We're not going to do that," Graham said, according to several reporters. "When members start subpoenaing each other as part of oversight, the whole system breaks down. … You got two different bodies here. Are we going to start calling House members over here when we don't like what they say or do? I don't think so."

Oh damn! Lindsey gonna get a whoopin' on his fanny for that next time he lets Trump win at golf, wait 'til your father gets home, Lindsey Graham!

Trump and some Republicans want to hear from these folks for a number of (made-up DSM-V-grade) reasons. They want Adam Schiff's phone records, because Adam Schiff subpoenaed the phone records of Trump's Ukraine co-conspirators like Rudy Giuliani and the indicted Lev Parnas, which ended up exposing calls with House Intelligence Committee ranking MOO-mber Devin Nunes, and also pretend "journalist" John Solomon. They are also pretty sure Adam Schiff has late night sexxxy chats with THE WHISSLEBOWLER! (They will definitely also want to hear from TEH WISSSELBOWLRE.)

And of course, Trump wants the Bidens to testify because in Trump's decayed, defenestrated brain, Joe Biden and his son committed unspeakable crimes against Ukraine.

Not sure why he wants to hear from Nancy Pelosi.

But let's be real about the fact that none of this shit is going to happen.

While every Senate Republican plays a fucking idiot on TV and in his or her career, not all of them are actually complete fucking idiots.

They're not going to subpoena Adam Schiff's phone records, or subpoena his testimony, because then, in order to give the proceedings the slightest whiff of "fairness," they'd have to subpoena his counterpart Devin Nunes, who it would appear is literally up to his udder in Trump's Ukraine crimes.

They were never going to give Uncle Joe Biden a platform to read Trump for filth for hours in a live-on-TV hearing.

Pelosi's entire opening statement would probably be like "I don't know why I am here, so let's all just bow our heads and pray for the president," after which she would proceed to read Trump for filth, for countless minutes, TO THE LORD.

They might try to subpoena Hunter Biden, but they immediately run into a giant brick wall of a problem if they do that.

Let us explain.

Have you heard about how literally everyone with a brain knows the Hunter Biden conspiracy theories have been debunked? They have been. Even the Republicans on the Senate Intelligence Committee know it, though they're loath to admit it. We were just discussing in our last post that Senate Intel interviewed some of the main characters of Trump's Ukraine conspiracy theories. They were all embarrassing dead-ends, but so far they've been behind closed doors dead-ends. You think they want to take the extremely high risk of a Hunter Biden testimony being a giant limp dildo on live TV?

Maybe they are that dumb. We'll see.

For no reason except that we haven't posted it this week because we are too busy, but have y'all seen that hilarious video of Devin Nunes not remembering if he ever talked to Rudy Giuliani's indicted pal Lev Parnas, maybe he did, maybe he didn't, he can't possibly remember, maybe his cow was making late-night calls after Devin went to sleep? It is very funny, it is our Spotify most-played track of 2019!

Yeah, pretty sure Lindsey Graham doesn't want to go down the road of subpoenaing members of Congress. Heaven only knows what kind of moo cow pasture a slippery-slopey trip down that unpaved country road might lead to.

[Talking Points Memo]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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