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Are you following Wonkette's own Evan Hurst as he live-blogs that shitshow hearing with Peter Strzok? Are you getting the impression that the Republican members of the House Judiciary and Oversight committees are making an honest inquiry to inform the American people about what went down during the election?

JK!!LOLOL!! This investigation makes Ken Starr's DNA test of Monica Lewinsky's jizz-stained blue dress look like a dignified administration of justice. Bob Goodlatte, Trey Gowdy, and the rest of those GOP sumbitches are trying to get Peter Strzok to say he rigged the election against poor Donald Trump because Strzok and his girlfriend Lisa Page were BIASSSSS with love for Hillary and her emails. The whole thing is idiotic.

So let's take this bullshit with several huge grains of salt.

Yes, former FBI "layer" (Trump see what he did there) Lisa Page made a mistake.


She was having an affair with her colleague Peter Strzok during the 2016 presidential campaign, and the two used their FBI cellphones for personal texts. People fuck up. Some of them have relationships with their colleagues, some of them have unprotected sex with multiple pornstars while their third wives are recovering from giving birth to their fifth child and then have their lawyers pay hush money in violation of campaign finance law. Stuff happens.

When Robert Mueller found out about the texts, he removed Page and Strzok from the Trump-Russia investigation to avoid the appearance of impropriety. And now the bastard jackals at the GOP are ruining their lives in a desperate attempt to pretend that Putin's Asset in Chief was legitimately elected president of the United States. Yay, America!

Toward that end, the House Judiciary Committee dropped a subpoena on Page Saturday demanding that she testify before them on Wednesday. (As in yesterday.) And if that meant that Lisa Page was forced to testify about two-year-old documents without being given a chance to review them ... let's say that would be a feature, not a bug, of the Republican plan.

See, those dedicated public servants of the GOP needed Page to testify before Strzok's public hearing. They'd already gotten spanked by Peter Strzok in a closed-door hearing last week, and their best chance to catch him in a lie was to corner Lisa Page into making statements counter to Strzok's testimony.

If they can't prove that he kept the Russia investigation quiet to hurt Trump -- which they can't, because that makes no fucking sense -- then they'll happily try to embarrass Strzok with stupid shit like, "You say you only had sexual relations with that woman Miss Page five times, but she says it was six. Isn't that proof Robert Mueller is a DEEP STATE PLANT?????"

So Page refused to appear on Wednesday, which allowed the House GOP to shout from the rooftops that THEY WILL NOT BE IGNORED, LITTLE LADY.


Hey, remember that time when the GOP led House Intelligence Committee threatened to hold Michael Flynn in contempt of congress when he ignored a subpoena? US NEITHER.

And while we're on the subject, here are some of the questions the HIPSCI gumshoes asked Peter Strzok last week.

Odds that these nasty old pervs are dying to get on national television and ask Lisa Page how many times she and Peter Strzok knocked boots: 100 percent. These are the same gross fuckers that slut-shamed Monica Lewinsky 20 years ago, and the same ones who wanted to know if Hillary Clinton was home alone ALL NIGHT LONG on Benghazi Eve -- that train is never late. So when Page's lawyer Amy Jeffress requests a "clarification of the scope of the Committee's interest," that's what she means.

And while we're getting weedsy, it seems that the GOP braintrust complicated matters last month by sending a letter to the Justice Department demanding that it criminally prosecute Page, Strzok, Clinton, Darth Vader, Voldemort, Pol Pot and all the rest of the enemies of the people. CNN reports,

A previously unreported letter obtained by CNN shows that negotiations have, in fact, been ongoing, but the decision by members of the House Judiciary Committee to sign on to an April 2018 referral of Page -- along with several other former FBI and Justice Department officials, and Clinton -- for a criminal investigation, raised the stakes.

"Given your request, I assume that Chairman Goodlatte and Chairman Gowdy agree with me that there is no legitimate basis for the allegations in that letter regarding Ms. Page, as it would be inappropriate for the Chairmen to request a voluntary interview from a subject or target of a criminal investigation relating to the same matters of that investigation," Jeffress wrote in late June, referring to House Oversight Chairman Trey Gowdy, a South Carolina Republican. "Please let me know how the Chairmen intend to communicate their disagreement with that letter prior to any appearance by Ms. Page."

Rep. Ron DeSantis of Florida and several other conservatives who have been among the most critical of the FBI's handling of the Clinton and Russia investigations sent the referral, although Goodlatte did not sign on.

If Page were in fact the subject of a criminal investigation, it would be ... inappropriate to ask her to testify in an open hearing. But propriety is not a big priority for the party currently defending the integrity of a guy who looked the other way while thousands of young men were molested by their doctor. And so they soldier on.

As it stands now, Page is scheduled to testify tomorrow morning in a closed hearing. That is, if those fuckwits ever get tired of having Strzok pants them on live TV.

Back to that live blog, and don't forget to tip poor Evan, who is trapped for all eternity watching the dumbest people on earth punch themselves in the dick OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.....

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[CNN]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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