Little Marco Rubio Kicking Big 3-Pointers At His Own Face Over Florida Election
Florida Senator Marco Rubio has been busy the past week auditioning for America's Next Top Trump. We know he doesn't really enjoy being a senator, with all the required showing up occasionally. And he'll never be president because the Republican Party is mostly racist and its shrinking, non-racist electorate isn't keen on "lightweight chokers" who can't get through a debate without mindlessly repeating the same anti-Obama talking points. His career options severely limited, lately he's taken to hate tweeting in his underpants like Donald Trump before John Kelly reminds him he's in the Oval Office and should put on actual pants.
Rubio started to mentally unravel after last week's midterms. Governor Rick Scott, whom Rubio only tepidly endorsed in his Senate race against incumbent Bill Nelson, was all set to flip the seat when corrupt Democrats and their Soros-funded army of lawyers insisted all votes be counted. Rubio has been really resistant to this idea for random-Bible-verse-related reasons.
At first glance, you'd think Rubio is referring to himself and his entire political career. But no, he's Old Testament-shaming Democrats' attempts to hold on to Rubio's former BFF Nelson's Senate seat as if it's actually still his. I get why Republicans are so concerned. Martha McSally went to bed on election night the next senator from Arizona and once votes were, you know, counted, she wound up a former congresswoman who lets her goofy dog sit on her sofa. (I know, I know, I'm a clean freak and a terrible human being.)
Montana Senator Jon Tester was also down by more than Scott's current margin well after midnight on Election Day. He went on to win by three points. Democrats might call this "counting all the votes," but Republicans are on to our shady games and call it what it is definitely not -- election "fraud" and intentional "theft." You'd expect this shameful rhetoric from the usual gang of propagandists at Fox News, but Marco Rubio is a sitting (because standing is too much work) senator.
Rubio has subjected us to a daily flood of unhinged long-ass tweets. Please try to respect the platform, sir. I don't want to hear someone recite The Great Gatsby at a poetry reading. Surely, one of the many donors who owns Rubio can set him up with a Wall Street Journal op-ed (they'll publish just about anything). He could stretch his legs and rant for a few thousand words about imaginary left-wing conspiracies to "steal" an election. On the upside, though, former Florida governor candidate Gwen Graham keeps spanking him publicly on Twitter.
Rubio completely lost it Tuesday night and starting shouting at the rain about the gross indecency of Democrats, using weird, barely coherent sports metaphors. It was like something out of Full Metal Jacket: "Why don't you jump on the team and come in for the big win."
If you're not sure how relevant this mysterious "three-point kick" is to Florida election law, you can take comfort in that fact that Rubio probably has no idea, either. And there's four tweets in this thread? How many more "sports ball" references can he mangle?
Even trying to dismantle the many fallacies in Rubio's argument gives it more respect than it deserves, but I'm in a generous mood: First place, a Senate election is not a football game. All the votes are in. It's just a matter of counting them, and no one is suggesting that any one vote counts more than another -- just that they count at all. A senator should also respect the rule of law, so if judges listen to arguments from "Democrat lawyers" and make rulings that go in a direction Rubio and Republicans dislike, that is not "stealing" an election. It is reckless and offensive to imply as much.
Broward County Supervisor of Elections Brenda Snipes has become the right's and looney left's latest bogey man. Snipes is a Democrat, but she was also appointed to the post by Republican Governor Jeb Bush in 2003. In fairness to Jeb!, I doubt Snipes would've mentioned during the interview process that she planned to later fix close elections for Democrats, but there's no compelling evidence that Snipes is capable of orchestrating a karaoke concert by pressing play on her iPhone let alone anything as complex as deliberate electoral fraud. Just north of Florida, Georgia will likely soon have a governor who specializes in repugnant voter suppression, which is what should concern Republicans if they actually cared.
Funny thing about all this is last week I fully believed Nelson had narrowly and regrettably lost the Senate race to Lex Luthor cosplayer Scott. But watching Rubio's Twitter breakdown is starting to convince me otherwise. Where there's smoke and bad football metaphors ...
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.