Little Old Woman Helps Stimulate Love and Sex In DC


The recent exploits of beloved nerdbot Peter Orszag would have one thinking that DC isthe place to get laid. If a four-eyed, balding asexual can find incredibly hot women to fuck him all the time, well then .... But because love in the District seems to be confined to rendezvous with prostitutes, small children and porn stars at the Mayflower Hotel and the C Street House, the City has created the Department of Love and Relationships and they brought in a GERMAN --- Dr. Ruth -- to help "stimulate" the city's romance-tourism business. Be warned that a 5% sperm tax applies.

This is all Obama’s fault, really. According to Elliott Ferguson, president and CEO of Destination DC:

By establishing the Department of Love and Relationships and making this "Date Night" stimulus plan its top priority, we are following the Obamas’ lead in recognizing the importance of personal relationships.

"Personal Relationships." Another new concept brought to you by those smart, savvy Obamas. Without them, what would this city be?

The Department’s official website has everything you will ever need to find love in the District. It even helps you think of date ideas! You choose who you are planning the date for, if you want it to be a something kinky, expensive, or memorable, and, voilà, look at that, it generates a date for you and your special someone!

For example, the website suggests that you take the Circulator (no self-respecting DCer would ever take a date on the “real” bus) to a museum downtown, after which you should eat somewhere like the Capitol City Brewing Company where the tall beer mugs indicate only one thing, and end your evening at a hotel, even though both parties presumably live in the city. The next day calls for shopping in Georgetown. This is government guaranteed to bring you love and happiness.

The site also boasts a Dating Concierge who will plan an entire date for you, as you're probably a fancy lawyer/lobbyist who has no time to plan your own sex life. There's also a "top spots and posts" section that lists the top 28 romantic spots in the city. Highlights include a bridge in Rock Creek Park, the Einstein memorial and the new and original idea of walking around the monuments.

Finally, it includes a section for "the best events for singles in the month of February" even though all the events and promos listed require that you already have a date, but that's not important. The promos include: "Will you be my co-anchor?" at the Newseum (just a tow-for-one admission deal), a romantic cruise, a "men only" cooking class at DC Coast, and a very romantic $55 Segway tour of DC date night. Finding love in the District isn't degrading at all.

If you really want to find love (or casual sex) in DC, just visit the downstairs at St. Ex on a Friday night. Said and done.


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