Live-Blogging the Coronation

We went to inauguration and decided to stay inside. This is what we saw.

11:27AM: Look at Frist's lavender tie! Totally Sponge Bob. Someone tell Dobson.

11:30AM: They've totally got to have heaters out there. How thankful is Laura that the twins are wearing thick coats? Not just to keep them warm. . .

11:32AM: Bill Pickle and Bill Livingood House and Senate Seargents-atArms. They totally made those up.

11:30AM: Laura Bush looks hotter than daughters. Though, uhm? WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY? Hello?

11:35AM: Bad hat day. Specter in modified cowboy hat. Harken in fedora.

11:35AM: Jeb totally pacing things out for next time. "I'll wear a red tie," he's thinking....

11:36AM: Massive earhair shot of Bush. A good deal of earhair. Should the leader of the free world have so much ear hair?

11:39AM: Ari! God, how we've missed Ari. Listen to him on how Bush walked down platform. "When he won the South Carolina primary in 2000 he said to me he was more aware of how he holds himself." Yes, he doesn't do it so much in public any more. Waits for when he's back in the hotel room.

11:40AM: Trent Lott reminds us that Americans have been gathering for over 200 years to welcome their new presidents a "peaceful and dignified ceremonies." And then, he said, "there's this year, which is a $40 million obscenity of corporate whoredom."

11:42AM: God. He totally loves us.

11:46AM: Is this church or something? What's with the hymn? Are they going to ask for money next? Oh, right. . . they already did. Thank you, Beer Wholesale Distributors, for this lovely celebration of democracy.

11:49AM: Cheney getting sworn in. Fuck, this is really happening, isn't it? Wait, did you hear that? He swore to protect us from "all enemies foreign domestic and made up. . ." They're warning us this time!

11:50AM: Hastert totally had leftover Christmas turkey under coat. Snacking on it between lines

11:51AM: Cheney to Bush: "Thank you Mr. President, now let's go back to blowing shit up."

11:52AM: Who let that coat past security? Did Chewbacca die?

11:58AM: Four more years, minus about a minute. Just keep the bourbon coming.

11:59AM: Bush can totally remember guest lists.

12:00PM: Pre 9/11, America was in "repose" and on "sabbatical." Or maybe he's just talking about himself.

12:02PM: "No one is fit to be a master, and no one deserves to be a slave." Except for the gays. We hear they're into that.

12:04PM: "Some have unwisely chosen to test America's resolve, and have found it firm." Huh-huh. We're not a mattress.

12:05PM: What, some women don't "welcome humiliation and servitude"? Those I like do.

12:06PM: "We will encourage reform in other governments by making clear that success in our relations will require the decent treatment of their own people." Except in really big or rich countries.

12:09PM: Hey, hey, I think I saw a Baldwin!

12:10PM: "By our efforts, we have lit a fire as well - a fire in the minds of men.  It warms those who feel its power, it burns those who fight its progress, and one day this untamed fire of freedom will reach the darkest corners of our world." But can you shout it in a crowded theater?

12:11PM: On Iraq war casualties: "deaths that honored their whole lives." Yeah, all 19 years.

12:13PM: On the plus side, we all get a steak! Yum.

12:14PM: Uh-oh. Racism is bad. "We cannot carry the message of freedom and the baggage of bigotry at the same time." But Prada has this totally cute baggage of bigotry!

12:18PM: "America, in this young century, proclaims liberty throughout all the world, and to all the inhabitants thereof.  Renewed in our strength - tested, but not weary - we are ready for the greatest achievements in the history of freedom." DUDE! Except when we take yours away. Sorry.

12:20PM: Beware of unique performances. Especially those that include "sea chanters." We're going to get a drink now...


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