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Let's get clear on one thing regarding the interview Attorney General CoverUps McOld did for "CBS This Morning," which was released today. We have no idea why he was dressed like that. Yes, we know he's in Alaska, but based on what we know about Alaska, it's still legal to put on a coat and tie if you're going to do a professional interview on a legitimate news network, and you are the attorney general of the United States of America.

But maybe he was going on a moose-shootin' date with the Palin clan afterward and he's just really bad at changing clothes in the car.

Now, shall we talk about all the lies and the fuckery that came out of that asshole's mouth?

We already mentioned in our last post that Barr told CBS he now believes it would have been totally fine for Robert Mueller to make a decision on whether Trump committed crimes, even though Mueller was abiding by DOJ policy against indicting a sitting president. Of course, Mueller didn't do that, and we know what happened afterward. Mueller wrote a report that was clearly intended for Congress, obeying regulations that say no one in the Justice Department can make that call, as the Constitution prescribes a different process for holding a president accountable. Bill Barr took that report, shat on it, made the decision for Mueller, and decided to exonerate Trump based on the legal theory of "I decided when I applied for this job that Trump was the only begotten son of God, who is blameless before men, and I'm STICKIN' TO IT." Then he refused to release the report to Congress or the American people for weeks on end.

But sure, Barr, keep telling us how Mueller totally could have called Trump a criminal. We're sure you would have relayed that information quickly and succinctly!

Let's look at some more horseshit from the transcript.


Many are noticing that Barr's lies seem to be evolving yet again. As Ryan Goodman points out, on May 1, Bill Barr wrote to Congress that he and his Team Of Evils came to the conclusion that Donald Trump did not obstruct justice by using "the special counsel's legal framework" as their guide. But in the CBS interview he said LOL JK, he thinks his good friend Bob Mueller's legal analysis is malarkey, because he said so:


WILLIAM BARR: We analyzed the law and the facts and a group of us spent a lot of time doing that and determined that both as a matter of law, many of the instances would not amount to obstruction.

JAN CRAWFORD: As a matter of law?

WILLIAM BARR: As a matter of law. In other words, we didn't agree with the legal analysis -- a lot of the legal analysis in the report. It did not reflect the views of the department. It was the views of a particular lawyer or lawyers and so we applied what we thought was the right law but then we didn't rely on that.

Yeah, why would Barr rely on the "views of a particular lawyer or lawyers" who spent two years investigating the case, instead of whatever he pulled out of his ass that day, AKA "the views of the department"? Because to be clear, when he says "department," we're pretty sure he means "himself," and as we have established, "himself" is a right-wing Fox News conspiracy theory-spouting troll who was hired solely to do cover-ups for Donald Trump, because as we all know, cover-ups are pretty much the only thing he excels at.

Don't worry, though, Barr says he "thought long and hard" about all the 200 pages of obstruction of justice evidence Mueller provided, before deciding to throw each of those 200 pages into Sarah Palin's turkey grinder. (Ooh, maybe he was dressed like that because he had a TURKEY GRINDIN' date with the Palins.)

Let's see, what else is in here?

On Why He Declared Trump Innocent On All Charges, Even Though Mueller Obviously Believes That's Congress's Duty To Decide

Well, you see, Bill Barr wants you to know -- and he states this repeatedly in the interview -- that the delay in giving Congress and the public the Mueller Report was ALL BOB MUELLER'S FAULT, because Mueller didn't flag the grand jury redactions the way Barr would have liked, and that meant Barr had to do ALL OF IT. Therefore it was going to take at least a month to give Trump a chance to scream NO COLLUSION NO OBSTRUCTION on Twitter a bunch of times get the report out, even though Mueller's team specifically prepared executive summaries of each section of their report, summaries intended for congressional and public consumption.

Barr knew he should hide those up his butt and just decide the verdict for himself, because that's what Cover-Uppers do:

WILLIAM BARR: Right, because I didn't think the body politic would allow us to go on radio silence for four weeks. I mean, people were camped outside my house and the department and every -- there was all kinds of wild speculation going on. Former senior intelligence officials who were purporting to have it -- or intimating that they had inside information -- were suggesting that the president and his family were going to be indicted and so forth. [...] There was [...] wild and irresponsible speculation going on [...] and talking heads and things like that, and these things affect the United States' ability to function in the world. We have an economy. It could affect the economy. It can affect -- it can affect our foreign relations during very delicate period of time with, you know, serious adversaries in the world.

Russia was getting very impatient for its boy toy to be exonerated, we guess.

WILLIAM BARR: So I felt -- that in order to buy time, in order to get the report out, I had to state the bottom line just like you're announcing a verdict in a case. My purpose there was not to summarize every jot and tittle of the report and every, you know, angle that -- that Mueller looked into. But, just state the bottom line which I did in the four page memo.

Or, you know, completely misrepresent the bottom line, which is what he did. Barr later said he wasn't trying to include all the "flavor and nooks and crannies" of the report. We guess, because the truth lies in the "flavors and nooks and crannies," EW GROSS.

Bill Barr Still Thinks Robert Mueller's Letter To Him Was 'Snitty'

You know, the letter Mueller sent because he was so fucking pissed off at the way his work was being misrepresented. Barr agrees with what Barr told Congress recently, that the letter was "snitty":

JAN CRAWFORD: He wrote the letter taking issue, saying there caused -- you had caused confusion. Did that catch you off guard?

WILLIAM BARR: Yeah, sure. I was surprised he just didn't pick up the phone and call me given our 30 year relationship, but --

JAN CRAWFORD: Why didn't he?

WILLIAM BARR: I don't, I don't know, but, as I said it in the hearing, I thought it was -- the letter was a little snitty and staff-driven --

JAN CRAWFORD: Staff-driven?

WILLIAM BARR: Yeah. I personally felt ...

Because Bob Mueller has no agency and would have been utterly unable to prevent his rogue staff from sending Bill Barr a letter with his name on it, so obviously it was "staff-driven." And also "snitty."

Christ, what an asshole.

NO RUSSIA! NO RUSSIA! HILLARY SPYGATE BENGHAZI EMAILS IS THE RUSSIA!

Halfway through the interview, the CBS interviewer finally asked Barr about that little thing Mueller really seemed to want to hammer home this week, which was that ALL AMERICANS should be alarmed and vigilant after his investigation found that Russia engaged in a "sweeping and systematic" attack on our election, to help Donald Trump and to hurt Hillary Clinton. Barr said yeah, sure, they are definitely doing some stuff to protect the 2020 election, it's definitely somewhere on his to-do list, but then he got to the real nooks and crannies of the matter (at least according to the hemorrhoids in his and Trump's brains), which is how terrible it was that the Deep State spied on the Trump campaign (which is a lie).

Barr says "probably not" enough was done in 2016 to prevent the Russian attack, despite how the FBI did indeed open a counter-intelligence investigation in late summer of 2016, which is the thing he and Trump are so mad about.

WILLIAM BARR: People have to understand, you know, one of the things here is that these efforts in 2016, these counter-intelligence activities that were directed at the Trump Campaign, were not done in the normal course and not through the normal procedures as a far as I can tell. And a lot of the people who were involved are no longer there. [Emphasis ours - Ed.]

Right, because Bill Barr thinks they were BIASSSSSS. Barr repeated multiple times the insinuation that the FBI was improperly spying on the Trump campaign, but as Marcy Wheeler has been pointing out all day long, those counter-intel activities were not directed at the Trump campaign, but rather at four men. Three of them were removed by the campaign because of their weird-ass Russian ties -- Manafort, Carter Page, George PapaSmurfADumps -- either because the campaign was genuinely concerned about all these Russians in its underpants (LOL you betcha) or because they were trying to cover their tracks. The fourth, Michael Flynn, was, as Wheeler notes, LITERALLY WORKING AS A SECRET FOREIGN AGENT WHILE HE WAS GETTING READ INTO INTELLIGENCE BRIEFINGS AS THE CAMPAIGN'S TOP NATIONAL SECURITY GUY.

But Barr just kept saying it.

WILLIAM BARR: Well, I just think it has to be carefully looked at because the use of foreign intelligence capabilities and counterintelligence capabilities against an American political campaign to me is unprecedented and it's a serious red line that's been crossed.

Of course, Barr offers no evidence for his assertion that these activities were undertaken in any sort of improper way. That's just him huffing Devin Nunes's cow farts into the American ether and letting them waft around. And it sounds like he's already come up with his predetermined verdict, just like he did with the Mueller Report!

Also too, Barr is still lying and saying the Mueller Report found no evidence of any conspiracy between Trumpers and Russia:

WILLIAM BARR: Mueller has spent two and half years and the fact is there is no evidence of a conspiracy. So it was bogus, this whole idea that the Trump was in cahoots with the Russians is bogus.

We did not think it was possible to hate Bill Barr more than we did yesterday, but we do, because HOLY FUCKING FACTCHECK THAT IS NOT WHAT THE MUELLER REPORT SAID. In fact, it found a fuckton of evidence, and might have found more if Trumpers didn't constantly lie to investigators, or if they hadn't deleted so many of their secret communications.

Has Bill Barr read the Mueller Report? We are just curious.

Bill Barr GUESSES James Comey And Andrew McCabe Didn't Do Treason, At Least Not TECHNICALLY

JAN CRAWFORD: [T]he president has tweeted and said publicly that some in the upper echelon, Comey, McCabe, etc., committed treason. I mean do you agree with that?

WILLIAM BARR: Well, I -- as a lawyer I always interpret the word treason not colloquially but legally. And you know the very specific criteria for treason -- so I don't think it's actually implicated in the situation that we have now. But I think what he --

JAN CRAWFORD: Legally.

WILLIAM BARR: Right.

JAN CRAWFORD: You don't think that they've committed treason?

WILLIAM BARR: Not as a legal matter, no.

Well, we are glad that's settled and that there's something in the world Bill Barr isn't willing to defend Trump on! At least not as a legal matter.

But everybody was still BIASSSSSSSSS, and Bill Barr knows this, because he has read Peter Strzok's dick pic sexts:

WILLIAM BARR: Well it's hard to read some of the texts with and not feel that there was gross bias at work and they're appalling. And if the shoe were on the other --

JAN CRAWFORD: Appalling.

WILLIAM BARR: Those were appalling. And on their face they were very damning and I think if the shoe was on the other foot we could be hearing a lot about it.

What, you mean "if the shoe was on the other foot" and rogue FBI agents in the New York field office were leaking to Rudy Giuliani and Erik Prince in the days before the election ALLEGEDLY about how the real Pizzagate basement was found in a new trove of Hillary Clinton emails? And, like, if those same FBI agents were trying to do secret Hillary investigations based on absolutely debunked bullshit from a fiction book called Clinton Cash, because they are all paste-eating fucking wingnuts with an irrational hatred for Hillary Clinton? Which caused the FBI director to jam his dick into the American election 11 days before it happened, which may have helped Russia swing the election for Trump, the man Bill Barr is so concerned has been gravely mistreated by the Deep State?

Is that the "shoe on the other foot" Bill Barr is talking about? Yeah, it's a good thing THAT didn't happen.

WILLIAM BARR: If those kinds of discussions were held you know when Obama first ran for office, people talking about Obama in those tones and suggesting that "Oh that he might be a Manchurian candidate for Islam or something like that."

Does Bill Barr ... wait ... Donald Trump ... OK wait ... so the guy Bill Barr works for and is doing cover-ups for ... hold on ... wait ... THAT'S THE GUY who created an entire conspiracy theory out of whole cloth that Obama was lying about where he was ... OH FUCK IT.

Bill Barr Thinks You Are So Stupid, Therefore He Shall Lie To You Some More About Trump's Obstruction Of Justice

Barr says Trump's firing of James Comey couldn't be obstruction of justice, because firing the FBI director overseeing the investigation into the Trump campaign's ties to Russia, and particularly because said FBI director wouldn't shout from the rooftops that Trump wasn't personally under investigation (as the Mueller Report lays out clearly) couldn't possibly have had the desired effect of "sabotaging a proceeding." Really. Also too, he is just still very worried that Donald Trump was "frustrated."

BARR: One of the elements is that you have to show that the act objectively speaking will have the probable effect of obstructing a proceeding and we don't believe that the firing of an agency head could be established as having the probable effect, objectively speaking, of sabotaging a proceeding. There was also we would have to prove corrupt intent, the report itself points out that one of the likely motivations here was the president's frustration with Comey saying something publicly and saying a different thing privately and refusing to correct the record. So that would not have been a corrupt intent.

Jesus Christ. This is the legal wizardry that went into Barr's exoneration of Trump. Amazing.

In Conclusion, Bill Barr Says Everybody Poops And Everybody Dies

How does Bill Barr feel about the fact that, in taking this job and doing obvious cover-ups for the most criminal president in American history, he has taken giant shits all over his own good name (such as it was) and will forever be listed in the history books as one big gnarly crapsack of a garbage human? (That is not the way the CBS lady asked this question.)

Attorney General William Barr on caring about his reputation: "Everyone dies" www.youtube.com


WILLIAM BARR: I am at the end of my career. I've you know--

JAN CRAWFORD: Does it, I mean, it's the reputation that you have worked your whole life on though?

WILLIAM BARR: Yeah, but everyone dies and I am not, you know, I don't believe in the Homeric idea that you know, immortality comes by, you know, having odes sung about you over the centuries, you know?

EVERYONE DIES. WOMP WOMP! At least he's right about how there won't be any "odes" to him.

Barr's final words in the interview -- we are not shitting you -- are that Donald Trump is not destroying our institutions, the people "resisting a democratically elected president" (didn't know Russia was supposed to get Electoral College votes, but OK) are the ones destroying our institutions -- he means YOU -- and having gone through this entire transcript for you, we can officially say we know what hell feels like, so this post is over.

[Transcript via CBS News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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