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Oh here's some big news: Barack Obama has officially declared defeat in Iraq! War is over and our troops are headed home in shame! Stay with us as our president explains how he is going to pull soldiers out of the Middle East, a little bit at a time, until at some point in the future we have mere tens of thousands of troops overseas instead of hundreds of thousands.


12:12 PM -- Sorry, we come to this party a little late because we were installing blinds in the bathroom. (Helpful hint: Pre-drill your holes!)

12:13 PM -- So where's he speaking from, Camp Lejeune? Sounds French.

12:14 PM -- Not everything will be perfect in Iraq; we will not eliminate the terrorists; but whatevs. Time to go home! You cannot say this guy isn't changey.

12:16 PM -- OBAMA BROKE HIS PROMISE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLES, he said he'd get combat troops out in 16 months and in fact it will take 18 months. Epic fail, &c.

12:17 PM -- Wait, those are Marines applauding this 8/31/10 deadline? Pussies.

12:18 PM -- Don't worry, troops will still be there to train and do counterterrorism and make sure American civilians aren't killed. And then everybody out by 2011. Lots of applause again, for shameful defeat.

12:19 PM -- You know what Marines don't do a lot of? Blinking. Check out the people standing behind him, they blink about every 30 seconds. And then only very reluctantly.

12:21 PM -- And now a word for the Iraqi people! This is a hallmark of an Obama speech, this reachy-outy part where he acknowledges that non-Americans also pay attention to his speeches. It is all terribly presumptuous.

12:22 PM -- Whoa, what? "No claim on your territory or your resources"? Has Exxon been notified?

12:24 PM -- Iraq, you might be aware, is part of the Middle East, and should start acting like it by engaging with its neighbors. Except Iran. Oh including Iran and Syria! Hillary Clinton is really going to have her hands full. Which is good, because it gives her fewer opportunities to return to Washington and poison Obama, Reid, and Pelosi.

12:26 PM -- A suggestion that "commitment" need not only include military action but also diplomacy. Sure, if you're a hippie!

12:26 PM -- Here is one word that we have yet to hear in this speech: "Evil."

12:27 PM -- And just last night that bald soldier guy was on Maddow saying, "You can't talk about ending the war without talking about what you're going to do for veterans," and here's Obama, talking about looking after vets. Why is Barack Obama wasting his time watching cable news shows?

12:28 PM -- BIG applause for a pay raise. Hey, don't these people know we're in a depression?

12:30 PM -- Saddam out of power, "sovereign" government established, Iraqis have the opportunity to live without water or electricity and on the perpetual brink of civil war. Mission accomplished!

12:31 PM -- He is reviewing the lessons we have learned in the course of this stupid war, and they are all very obvious things like, "have clear goals," and jesus what a fucking tragedy it is that this did not occur to anybody before we went to war. Oh well better luck next time!

12:36 PM -- And semper fi! The military hates this guy so much.

12:43 PM -- Post-game discussion: Chuck Todd observes that Obama failed to use the word "victory," either. Sarah Palin will be very upset.

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