Liveblogging Barack's Latest Victory Speech
Now that Barry's won Maryland by 30 or 40 points -- 30 or 40 million points, in fact -- he's completed a Potomac Sweep of Life. Gotta give a good speech, Barry. White men are starting to vote for you, but they might leave if you say "yes, we can" too much! Pressure cook those crabs, big guy...
9:41 -- Barry thanks "Mayor Dave" of Madison, Wisconsin. "Mayor Dave" endorsed him. "Mayor Dave" is furiously masturbating at the moment.
9:43 -- "The cynics can no longer say our Hope is false." Hey Barry: Your hope is false.
9:44 -- Oh look, WALNUTS! McCain won DC. But he's gay.
9:45 -- He does that thing about the "Obamicans," the Republicans who vote for Barack. All of them whisper to Barack that they voted for him, and then Barack tells on them in every single speech he gives.
9:47 -- Here he goes again, talking about the hobo father and son fighting over raw steaks in the back alleys of Walmartland. Hillary used to be president of Walmartland, see? Oh wait, it was her husband who was president, but of a country.
9:48 -- Past vs. future, this is the vote. But John McCain is all of these, as well as Vietnam.
9:50 -- "George Bush won't be on the ballot this November." That's what you think, fresh face.
9:51 -- John McCain is running for president. The crowd says "BOOOOOOOO!"
9:52 -- OOH, a new campaign line! Something like, "John McCain wants to be in Iraq for 100 years. That's why we shouldn't give him four years in the White House." So if you divide, 25 Iraq/presidents = Hope!
9:54 -- Haha, he doesn't give a shit about Hillary anymore. Well played, sir.
9:55 -- He says we don't call it Sally's Dream, or Joe's Dream, or "JIM'S DREAM," but the "American Dream." And you expect me to vote for your ass? Joe and Sally feel the same way, they told me.
9:56 -- We want our children learning "art." John McCain scribbles talking points furiously -- the Democrats are somehow gayer than him.
9:57 -- In order to get the benefit of any of my policies, "people," you have to join the Peace Corps, in Hell.
9:58 -- "My own story in America tells me there's nothing false about Hope... I should not be here today." Indeed, after that private school you attended in Hawaii, it's amazing you ever escaped the Maui ghettos.
9:59 -- He's going to "turn off the video games." The Paultards should have a response memo in the form of a race car within 13 minutes.
10:01 -- Barry is claiming that Hope will not cure problems on its own. Flip-flopper!
10:02 -- Wait, who's "half-slave and half-free"?
10:02 -- The Pioneers went West because Barack Obama introduced them to Hope, right after showing them "maize."
10:03 -- "Cynicism is a sorry wisdom." Oh Barry, America's just playing with you. Don't get that pretty face upset.
10:05 -- Done. Thanks Madison! I'll be here all week.
10:06 -- Well, that was half-better than the Super Tuesday speech, but not quite South Carolina. Still, as Leon on Curb Your Enthusiasm would say: "Barack Obama motherfucker, president of tappin that ass."