Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

Here's a livestream:

Live at 9:30 a.m.: Attorney General Barr holds press conference about final Mueller report

9:32: Two-minute warning! By which we mean fucker is late. Y'all know Rod Rosenstein is going to be there too, right? Because apparently he's OK with throwing away his reputation for this too. Then again, he always has been a really weird character in this saga, hasn't he?

9:35: Good morning, Bill.

9:36: Bill Barr thanks Robert Mueller for his work. Cannot say it to his face, because Robert Mueller has chosen to stay in bed today, giving this dog-and-pony show his stamp of "fuck this."

9:37: Barr says NO COLLUSION, and again says it in his very limited way, only referring to direct conspiracy in the hack and dump Russian election interference operation. Says Russians committed their crimes without the "knowing assistance" of any Americans.

9:39: Barr says Americans didn't conspire or collude with the Internet Research Agency (IRA), which is the troll farm indicted by Robert Mueller that did all the online influence operations. That's true and also irrelevant, as nobody has suggested such a thing. Also NO COLLUSION that the Trump campaign BLAH BLAH BLAH MOTHERFUCKER WE CAN READ THIS FOR OUR FUCKING SELVES, YOU KNOW.

9:42: Words words words words the Russian government acted alone, there was no second shooter, words words words words words.

9:43: Bill Barr explains why he cleared Trump on all charges of obstruction of justice, because Trump is his daddy and he has been raised not to question Daddy's ways, lest Daddy hit him with a belt when he gets home. Also says he and Rosenstein significantly disagreed with some of Mueller's theories of obstruction of justice, DUMB ROBERT MUELLER, isn't he scared Daddy is going to hit him with the belt on his bare fanny?


9:45: Poor Trump! He only committed all these crimes because he was upset!

9:46: Hey, you guys, did we say this is a cover-up? Can you even call it a "cover-up" if the attorney general is burying the evidence in the backyard ON LIVE TELEVISION? Is that the correct term?

9:48: Barr says Trump is the only one who can assert executive privilege and that Trump did not. So Barr says there are no executive privilege redactions. He says that. He would say that, wouldn't he? Also says Trump's lawyers have been able to see this thing that WE STILL HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO SEE, FUCKING GIVE IT.

9:50: Barr says certain members of congressional leadership will get a second version of the report, with all the redactions removed ... you know, EXCEPT the grand jury stuff, because a judge would have to sign off on releasing that.

And Barr doesn't wanna.

So ... fuck this guy, he looks like a canker sore.

9:53: Barr explains that he just had to clear Trump on obstruction of justice, because that is Congress's job, and it is Bill Barr's job to usurp the authority of co-equal branches of government. (He did not say those exact words. They are the truth, though.)

9:55: Journalist asks Barr why we can trust him, when it's so obvious that he's trying to do cover-ups for Trump. Barr does not even understand the question, because he is paid not to understand this particular question.

9:56: OH HEY BILL BARR, WHERE THE FUCK IS ROBERT MUELLER? Bill Barr does not answer the question, because he doesn't wanna.

9:57: WOW. And that was it.

That was the weirdest Sarah Huckabee Sanders briefing ever.

Also it added absolutely zero value to anything that has ever happened in the history of the world, ever. What a failure of a fucking human being, THE END.

We will be back to liveblog the whole entire report -- you know, excerpt for the parts Bill Barr drew dicks all over -- when it comes out! Please click the buttons below to donate if you appreciate Wonkette's coverage of all this horseshit, because remember, we are 100 percent supported by you!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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