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Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.


Here's a livestream:

Live at 9:30 a.m.: Attorney General Barr holds press conference about final Mueller report www.youtube.com

9:32: Two-minute warning! By which we mean fucker is late. Y'all know Rod Rosenstein is going to be there too, right? Because apparently he's OK with throwing away his reputation for this too. Then again, he always has been a really weird character in this saga, hasn't he?

9:35: Good morning, Bill.

9:36: Bill Barr thanks Robert Mueller for his work. Cannot say it to his face, because Robert Mueller has chosen to stay in bed today, giving this dog-and-pony show his stamp of "fuck this."

9:37: Barr says NO COLLUSION, and again says it in his very limited way, only referring to direct conspiracy in the hack and dump Russian election interference operation. Says Russians committed their crimes without the "knowing assistance" of any Americans.

9:39: Barr says Americans didn't conspire or collude with the Internet Research Agency (IRA), which is the troll farm indicted by Robert Mueller that did all the online influence operations. That's true and also irrelevant, as nobody has suggested such a thing. Also NO COLLUSION that the Trump campaign BLAH BLAH BLAH MOTHERFUCKER WE CAN READ THIS FOR OUR FUCKING SELVES, YOU KNOW.

9:42: Words words words words the Russian government acted alone, there was no second shooter, words words words words words.

9:43: Bill Barr explains why he cleared Trump on all charges of obstruction of justice, because Trump is his daddy and he has been raised not to question Daddy's ways, lest Daddy hit him with a belt when he gets home. Also says he and Rosenstein significantly disagreed with some of Mueller's theories of obstruction of justice, DUMB ROBERT MUELLER, isn't he scared Daddy is going to hit him with the belt on his bare fanny?

ALSO, HAVE THESE STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS NOT SEEN TRUMP'S TWITTER ACCOUNT?

9:45: Poor Trump! He only committed all these crimes because he was upset!

9:46: Hey, you guys, did we say this is a cover-up? Can you even call it a "cover-up" if the attorney general is burying the evidence in the backyard ON LIVE TELEVISION? Is that the correct term?

9:48: Barr says Trump is the only one who can assert executive privilege and that Trump did not. So Barr says there are no executive privilege redactions. He says that. He would say that, wouldn't he? Also says Trump's lawyers have been able to see this thing that WE STILL HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO SEE, FUCKING GIVE IT.

9:50: Barr says certain members of congressional leadership will get a second version of the report, with all the redactions removed ... you know, EXCEPT the grand jury stuff, because a judge would have to sign off on releasing that.

And Barr doesn't wanna.

So ... fuck this guy, he looks like a canker sore.

9:53: Barr explains that he just had to clear Trump on obstruction of justice, because that is Congress's job, and it is Bill Barr's job to usurp the authority of co-equal branches of government. (He did not say those exact words. They are the truth, though.)

9:55: Journalist asks Barr why we can trust him, when it's so obvious that he's trying to do cover-ups for Trump. Barr does not even understand the question, because he is paid not to understand this particular question.

9:56: OH HEY BILL BARR, WHERE THE FUCK IS ROBERT MUELLER? Bill Barr does not answer the question, because he doesn't wanna.

9:57: WOW. And that was it.

That was the weirdest Sarah Huckabee Sanders briefing ever.

Also it added absolutely zero value to anything that has ever happened in the history of the world, ever. What a failure of a fucking human being, THE END.

We will be back to liveblog the whole entire report -- you know, excerpt for the parts Bill Barr drew dicks all over -- when it comes out! Please click the buttons below to donate if you appreciate Wonkette's coverage of all this horseshit, because remember, we are 100 percent supported by you!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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